Don't be a bystander, but don't be a pain in the ass, either

Everyone's telling you not to be a bystander. I've been talking about it for years in my confrontation program, and one of our newer speakers, Mike Dilbeck, is becoming an anti-bystander crusader. It's a good and timely message. In a world of detached, communicate-only-by-text-message citizens, we need to be reminded that seeing a problem, stepping up, and saying something is a worthwhile thing to do.

It's important not to be a bystander. Hear me loud and clear.

But – like most things – refusing to be a bystander and confronting others should be done in moderation and with the use of your good judgment. If you confront absolutely everything you see that worries you, you will officially become your organization's biggest pain in the ass.

And nobody likes a pain in the ass.

People go out of their way to avoid a pain in the ass.

When you see someone smacking around his girlfriend, getting ready to drive drunk, skipping a week of class, doing drugs, not paying her dues, stealing your professor's Adderall, sporting a culturally or racially-insensitive Halloween costume, urinating on the chancellor's Mercedes, hooking up with a serial killer, or wearing polka dots with stripes – OK, confront right now. Seriously bad decisions require immediate confrontation.

When there's danger – when your gut tells you it's a crisis situation – you need to act.

Somewhere in all this talk of bystander behavior, though, some have begun to suggest that immediate confrontation, regardless of the circumstances, is always the right thing to do. Confront every single thing you see that you think is wrong, they say. Your conscience and your mouth must simultaneously engage. I respectfully disagree.

Don't become that person who confronts anything and everything, all the time, on a moment's notice. Ask yourself, at what point does becoming a superhero in the fight against bystander behavior make you a pariah? At what point are you rendering yourself completely useless as a leader because no one wants to be within 100 feet of you, lest they be confronted about something?

Pick your battles. You can't confront absolutely everything, and nor should you. Plain and simple. If you've gotten to this point as a student leader, then I hope you have some measure of good judgement. Use it.

If something is scary or terribly wrong, act immediately. If it's an annoying pattern, you might want to pick your moment, and it might be after you've spent a little time strategizing about the best way to approach things.

Most of the time, confrontation as a leadership skill is not an impulse behavior.

Do not misunderstand me. I'm all for confronting the smaller things, too: continuous silly lies, missed deadlines, burping at the dinner table, voting Republican. I had an intern who yawned with an uncovered mouth while I was talking to her at least once a day, and something finally needed to be said.

But you don't go off half cocked every time something annoys you.

Oh, and definitely don't become one of those people who feels the need to turn every difference of opinion into a huge confrontation. Delivering a self-righteous lecture about values every time you don't agree with a group decision makes you annoying. Demanding to know why you weren't invited to someone's birthday party – in the name of "refusing to be a bystander" – makes you pathetic.

Learning to confront, and refusing to be a bystander, is an important leadership lesson. Knowing how to use good judgment, however, is an even more important one.

You are always wearing your letters

You're interested in joining our fraternity? We'd love to have you. You're the type of person we look for: committed, enthusiastic, a leader. We think you'll do great things here, and we hope that we'll open some doors for you. You will make lifelong friendships, and hopefully, you'll be the type of person whose positive impact will be felt here for many years.

This is the start of something really cool.

We know you have your reasons for joining, and we also know that the reasons you'll stay will be entirely different. Trust us on that one. People tend to join for the image, the props, and the social stuff. They stay around for the friendships and because they find a place where they can impact the lives of others. It's a family. We know this. Soon, you will, too.

Soon, these letters will be yours. But, there's one lesson that we need to impress upon you before you sign your name on the dotted line, pay that first fee, and get that first t-shirt. It's the single most important thing we're going to ask of you, so you need to listen and understand it, now, before you say "yes."

It's the one most important thing that any fraternity or sorority can impress upon its new members. It's the one lesson that every group must impress upon its newest members. Truly, our survival as an organization on this campus, and nationwide, depends on you understanding this one simple lesson and taking it to heart.

It's more important than our history, our traditions, our structure, or our rules. Because, if you don't understand this most fundamental lesson, then none of the other stuff will matter. If you don't get this one "golden rule of fraternity," then your son or daughter won't have this kind of organization to join someday, and all of this will just be a fuzzy memory.

Here it is. Ready?

From the moment you say yes to this organization, you are always wearing your letters.

I'm going to repeat it.

From the moment you say yes to this organization, you are always wearing your letters.

We're not talking about t-shirts, or sweatshirts, or hats made in the colors of the group. We're not talking about a tattoo on your ankle, some party favor, or a badge you wear on your dress shirt.

What we mean is that when you say yes to lifetime membership in this group, everything you say, do and represent from that moment forward is a direct reflection on this group, your brothers, and the thousands of members who have come before you. Everything you put out to the world is a direct reflection of this fraternity. Every decision, every achievement, every mistake you make happens to all of us from this point forward.

When you go to the grocery store, you represent us. If you fall asleep in class or earn a weak grade, you represent us. When you drive down the road and slow down so a pedestrian can cross the street, you represent us.

When you turn 21 and hit the town, you represent us. When you become a leader of another campus organization, you represent us. When you insult someone or talk badly about another fraternity, you represent us. When you break up with someone and make decisions about how you behave during that difficult time, you represent us. When you go on Spring Break, you represent us.

When you go home and sit at your mother's dining room table, you represent us. When you get a job and go to work for a company or organization, you represent us. When you commit your life to that special person, someday, you represent us.

You are always wearing your letters.

From this day forward, always. Every day, in every situation. They never come off.

As surely as if you tattooed these letters on your forehead. It doesn't matter if you're wearing a jersey with our name on it, or a business suit at an interview. You have to assume that every person you meet will form a permanent opinion about fraternities – good or bad – based on how you interact with them. Every good thing you do builds us up. Every dumb thing you do tears us down.

We live in a time when the actions of one man or one woman can kill a group like ours. One person who acts in a way that is inconsistent with our shared values can end a hundred years of tradition and pride. One choice you make on a Friday night can take away everything that generations of men have worked to build.

All the stuff you see that belongs to us can be boxed up or thrown out, because of the choices you make.

If this seems a little intense, that's good. Because it's serious. If it sounds like too much responsibility, or if you don't think you can behave in a way that reflects well on us at all times, then walk away now. Do us the favor. We won't think less of you. In fact, we'll thank you. This sort of commitment isn't for everybody.

But, don't say yes unless you understand.

We're not asking you to give up anything. We aren't asking you to become something you aren't. We're asking you to become something more. We're inviting you to become part of a group of men who make a promise to take care of each other, every day. We're asking you to become the very best version of you that you can be.

We're asking you to take a leap of maturity and to go to that place where you're the same, honorable, dignified person on Saturday night as you are on Tuesday morning.

It's a big deal, and not everyone can do it. Forget everything you've heard up to this point. Forget how much you might desire this, or how much we might want to bring you into the group. Just clear your mind and ask yourself one question.

Are you ready to never take them off?

Because when you say yes, you're not just putting letters on a sweatshirt. You're putting them in your heart. You're forever stamping your identity with them. Everything you are, from this point on, becomes who we are.

You will make mistakes, and brothers will remind you of your commitment. There will be times where you will see other brothers forgetting their promise, and you'll need to remind them. That's part of this whole "fraternity" thing. We work together to make ourselves better men who stand for something. We carry each other. We matter to one another.

If we're doing fraternity right, then we'll make you a better man. If you're doing everything right, then you will make us a better organization.

So, please think about it. Take it seriously.

Because if you say yes, these letters belong to you as surely as they belonged to our founders. If you say yes, these letters become your responsibility forever.

That's the promise.

Bouncing back from a blunder

We all make mistakes. If you're a high profile student leader, there is a solid chance that something will happen that will knock you squarely on your ass. Your ego will be in tatters. Everyone will be angry at you, or at least delighting in your misstep. You'll be sure that everyone is out to get you.

In our culture, there's a certain twisted sweetness to watching the mighty fall. Look no further than the demonization of Kanye West, or the critical trashing of Jay Leno. You can practically hear the giggles from Detroit as Toyota gets ripped apart in the press. The higher you sit, the higher you fall. When the leader screws up, it's news.

Initially, you will get angry. You will lash out. You will plot revenge. You will whine incessantly to your inner circle. You will resolve to fight back, because damn it, "It's not fair!" People don't understand the truth. No one has asked for your side of the story. The public doesn't understand the details. They don't know the truth about how evil the other person is.

Whether you're the world's greatest golfer (Tiger), a top-earning actor (Hugh), or a struggling President of the United States (Barry), you are going to need to quit the whining at some point and accept the reality that you screwed up. Fair or not, you have a decision to make. Are you going act immediately to try to repair things, dig the hole deeper with excuses and denials, or hide?

If repairing things is your choice, here are some things I suggest.

Take your lumps, and openly admit your mistakes.

Our culture is big on redemption. The cycle – build 'em up, rip 'em down, and build 'em up again – is a worn cliche. If you're going to repair your image, make the necessary public apologies, admit your mistakes, and ask people to forgive you. Take responsibility for your role in the debacle, even if you feel that you've been handed more than your fair share of the blame.

Look like you learned something.

After the apology, people will still be watching you, and if they see more of the same behavior, there will be hell to pay. Let people watch you do the exact opposite of the behavior that got you in trouble. You can bet you won't be seeing Tiger Woods out at any strip clubs anytime soon. You'll see lots of pictures of him with his mother and child, helping people in need, etc. If he's ever going to regain his pre- sex scandal status, he's going to have to look like Mother Teresa for a while.

Drop the arrogance.

Watch how Toyota promotes itself in the coming year. Television ads won't be trumpeting their sales prowess. You won't hear Toyota calling itself the best, the most trusted, or the coolest. That's what you'll hear from Ford or Honda perhaps, but not Toyota. Toyota is going to be promoting safety, a resurgence of quality – all aimed at rebuilding trust. To regain what they lost, they need to look solid, not flashy.

Reach out and rebuild relationships.

If you, or the situation, has yielded negative feelings and burned bridges, the first steps to rebuild those relationships need to come from you. You can't expect much. You can't expect embraces and giggles. But, if you show some sincere effort to reach out, make amends, and support those you might have alienated, something good might return. Remember to expect nothing, and give freely. When you demonstrate a sincere attempt to get things moving in the right direction, without an expectation for anything selfish, forgiveness and trust have a greater chance to return.

Acknowledge your real friends.

There's a temptation to look for ways to hurt those who hurt you, but it's better for the soul to turn the other direction. Make time for the friends who stood by you, who helped, who listened. Thank them sincerely, and spend time with them. Let them know that their loyalty and unconditional support was not taken for granted and that you stand ready to support them if they ever need the same. Anyone who has ever been through a debilitating injury, a divorce, the death of a child, a bankruptcy, etc., will tell you that the low points are when you find out who your real friends are. Take that as a gift and appreciate it.

Watch your mouth.

John Mayer got in trouble this week for a Vanity Fair interview in which he said some pretty arrogant and insensitive things. John will likely be keeping his mouth shut for a while, and so should you. All that anger you still feel? Find a benign way to get it out that doesn't involve you shooting your mouth off to others. People talk, and many are looking for any hint of negativity from you.

Put on a happy face.

No one feels sorry for you.

Do good work.

It's the most important element of redemption. Demonstrate that the talent you brought in the first place was real and that the initial praise was deserved. You have to earn that high place again. Let your good work speak louder than your damaged image.

Kanye West probably will again release a great CD again. Jay Leno will go back to producing mildly entertaining late night television, his core fans will tune back in, and he'll be back on top of Letterman within a year. I'm betting Barry has strong approval ratings by 2012.

Only a few short months after coming clean about his steroid use, Mark McGwire begins his new job as the hitting coach for the Cardinals this week in St. Louis.

Bouncing back from the blunder is possible, but the only person who can get things moving toward that goal, is you.

Never confront a group

Let's say there are a group of people in your organization who are the root of a problem. Maybe it's a group of critical former officers, or a couple of friends who band together to cause drama at social functions. Maybe it's all the juniors who feel disconnected from the rest of the group, or perhaps it's the last class of initiated new members, or the women who live on that end of the residence hall.

The best course of action might seem to pull the group members into a room for a strong discussion about their behavior. Although it might appear to be an efficient solution, you could end up reinforcing their behavior instead of interrupting it.

Fraternity and sorority chapters frequently have the "pledge meeting" where they chastise the neophytes for a certain lack of enthusiasm, lack of progress, or incorrect behavior. These meetings feel effective to the members because the pledges snap into shape, but it is not exactly developmental. The pledges bond in a defensive way against the active members, creating long-term chapter unity issues.

The coaching staff of a sports team might use the same method: calling a team meeting and letting the players have it. A short term fix, that could have negative long-term morale implications.

If you confront a group of women who live at the end of the hall, it will likely reinforce the "us versus them" attitude. The women might sit and listen quietly, or they might flare defensively. In either case, they will quickly group up somewhere (probably in one person's room) and process the event as another justification for their negative attitude. When confronted, groups tend to adhere.

The answer is to do several, smaller confrontations aimed at the opinion leaders of the group.

Every group has leaders, formal or informal – people whose ideas shape the actions of the group. Calm, isolated talks with these individuals – from a place of mutual respect – is a better approach. From these conversations, you might learn some of the root causes of the conflict which will better illuminate a path forward. You can't solve an underlying problem if you don't understand it.

Your goal is that these individuals work with you to help create resolution. You can surely yell at their group members. Or, you could affect the opinions of influence leaders and send them back to their group with some collaborative ideas. It doesn't mean there will be a group hug right away, but small steps can move things along. Find common ground. Look for small bits of progress. Demonstrate a willingness to listen and get back to a good, positive place.

Humility and a willingness to listen are the best tools in resolving a conflict with a group. Usually the conflict originates from a group of people bonding over their sense of disconnect from the main group. That disconnect might be for a perfectly legitimate reason ("We don't have a voice!") to something more ridiculous ("We used to be really fratty and now we suck!").

Regardless, your only real option is to get things out in the open, to get people talking to each other, and to bring leaders to a place where the conflict can be resolved. Do this individual to individual – leader to leader.

Groups don't solve emotional issues. Individual leaders who care about the big picture do.

Congress, are you listening?