When you meet with someone, bring something to the table

One of my most valuable leadership lessons came from Rep. Barney Frank (D-Mass.). It was a humbling and humiliating lesson, but one I still carry with me.

In the Nineties, I made my living speaking about HIV/AIDS prevention with my good friend, Joel Goldman. By the mid-part of the decade, we were getting lots of attention. We were speaking at about 100 campuses a year, and we had gotten a fair amount of national and local press coverage. We were doing good work that many admired, and we were getting lots of validation for it. People all over the country were opening doors for us. We were winning awards and meeting lots of celebrities. Truthfully, we were getting pretty big heads about the whole thing.

A friend of Joel's was a staff member on Capitol Hill, and he offered to set up a bunch of meetings with Senators and Representatives for us. We jumped at the chance, because we both had strong interests in politics, and it was a chance to rub elbows with a bunch of cool names. I was particularly interested in meeting Rep. Pat Schroeder, the legendary Colorado Democrat.

We went to Capitol Hill and began our day of visiting famous lawmakers. Schroeder was awesome. I remember New Jersey Senator Frank Lautenberg being incredibly pleasant (probably because he knew Joel's dad). We were impressed with the offices, and people were very welcoming. Our meetings were short, but pleasant, and we were floating on air.

Then, we went to Barney Frank's office.

He's a busy guy – lots of aides running in and out. He's a work horse in a stable full of show horses. More than any other office we visited that day, we knew that lots of important activity was going on around us.

We were ushered into his private office, shook his hand, and we took seats on the other side of his desk. He's an intimidating presence –gruff, badly dressed, twitchy. I felt like we were meeting with Jim Henson's grouchiest Muppet.

We proceeded to tell him about our travels, what we were doing, and how little college students seemed to know about safer sex at the time. He listened politely. After we had been speaking to him for about three minutes, he said the words to me that I will never forget.

"Great, but what do you want?"

Joel and I quickly looked at each other. We didn't want anything. I stammered and answered that we were just there to share our story, to meet him, to let him know what we were learning as we traveled the college circuit. We thought that as an openly gay Congressman, he shared our interest in the issues surrounding HIV awareness.

He pretty much cut me off, thanked us for coming, and ended our visit. He wasn't mean, but he made it pretty clear that if we were not there asking for something, he didn't really have time for a social visit. We realized that he was bombarded all day long with people lobbying him, and we had claimed a 15-minute appointment time with absolutely no real purpose in mind. At least,no purpose that served his needs.

We definitely felt stupid for wasting his time, and needless to say, our big fat heads were deflated a little bit.

"Great, but what do you want?"

For a while, I was pissed. I thought he was a jerk. I told everyone I knew how rude he was to us. But of course, eventually I put it into perspective and extracted an important lesson.

Thanks to Mr. Frank of Massachusetts, I always make sure I go into every appointment with a few goals in mind. What information do I want to share? How can this person contribute to an outcome?

I don't just meet people so I can say I did. I treat every person I meet with as if he or she was a very important, busy person. I respect his or her time, and I make sure there's a reason for me being there. I don't just meet people to meet them.

As a student leader, you will probably get lots of face time with VIP's in your college community. When you get time with someone who is busy (your university president, a member of the Board of Trustees, a visiting VIP), you need to bring something to the table. Ask some relevant questions. Share some information. Let them know how they could contribute to a goal or need.

Before you go in there, have a few ideas in mind. Go in there with something.

Busy people aren't interested in killing time with you, particularly when their to-do list is 100 items long and growing longer. Even someone much friendlier than Barney Frank wants their time to be used respectfully.

If they invite you to visit, and they want to sit and chat about nothing in particular, that's a different thing.

You may never have the benefit of the direct, blunt lesson Representative Frank gave me. When you ask for a person's time, give him or her something – information, a need, a challenge – that makes that time worthwhile for them. Make that meeting count.

Learn to leave a decent voice mail message

This morning, I arrived at the office, and there were six voice mail messages waiting for me. One in particular blew my mind.

"Hi. Yeah. (3 second pause...) I'm calling about some speakers and want to find out how much they cost and what days they could come here. So call me back. Later."

Really?

No name, no phone number. I don't even know what school she is from. I suppose that she's so used to calling her friends' cell phones that she assumes that anyone she's calling automatically has her number on caller ID. Needless to say, she didn't achieve her objective with that phone message because there was no way possible for me to reach her back.

Today, dear student leaders, we are going to talk about some tips on leaving a voice message. As a student leader, you can stand out by leaving intelligent voice mails. Trust me... an intelligent voice mail makes you seem much more intelligent.

• Always leave your full name, your phone number, the time you called, and some sort of action oriented message.

• Why tell them when you called? Because when they are jotting down your message, they'll probably write down the day/time when you say it. That makes it less likely that your message will sit there a long time. When you note the time, they are more likely to note it, and return the message in a timely manner. Doesn't always work, but it sure increases your chances.

• Please don't just leave your first name and assume I can recognize your voice and know immediately who you are. Give your last name, every time. If you simply say, "It's David," I have no idea which one you are. I know 42 Davids. And, for heaven's sake, don't say, "It's me."

• Don't assume I have your number. Leave it every time. I suggest you say your number slowly and clearly twice in every voice mail message. I leave the number for people who call me every day, even though I know they have it.

• When giving your phone number, leave your area code. Yes, people leave me phone messages all the time with no area code.

• If you are calling a place of business, make the effort to sound professional. Say your name clearly, state where you are from, say your phone number slowly and clearly. A voice mail you leave at a business location, with a professor, or some other non-friend person should sound different than the voice mails you leave for your best friend on a Friday night.

• Never leave a voice mail that is longer than a minute. People who leave "flow of consciousness" voice mails are the devil.

• Try not to call from a loud place. All that noise in the student center food court makes it almost impossible to understand you. Plus, you're yelling, and that's unpleasant.

• Slow down, dammit. Nothing more annoying than having to replay a message three times because the person spoke too fast.

• If there's a good time to reach you, let the person know.

• Sound pleasant. If I'm deciding between going to the break room to get my next cup of coffee and returning a call to a dreadfully boring caller, I'm picking the coffee.

I recorded myself leaving a voice mail message today, and here's what I said. I think it's a decent example of a useful voice mail message.

"Hi Katie. This is T.J. Sullivan from CAMPUSPEAK in Denver, 303-745-5545. I'm calling at around 2 pm our time here in Denver, about 1 pm your time. I wanted to let you know that Rick Barnes is available on the date you requested. If you're ready to book that date, please give me a call at 303-745-5545, and we'll get right on it. I'm going to be in the office for another two hours today, and all day tomorrow. Also, feel free to email me at (spelling out my email) if that's more convenient. Have a terrific day, and thanks for getting back to me. I look forward to connecting with you soon."

The wrong and right things to say when a friend suffers a loss

Grief is a perfectly natural and healthy emotion. All of us will suffer losses in our lives – deaths, loss of jobs, relationship breakups, ends of addictions, and more. Yet, we live in a culture that is profoundly uncomfortable with grief, and we Americans hate feeling uncomfortable. When we have someone near us devastated by a loss, most of us look for the exit. We don't know what to say, or what to do, so we retreat.

For Millennials that ends relationships by text messages, avoiding uncomfortable contact is a generational norm. The sad part is that a Tweet that says, "Sorry your father died. Let me know if I can help" just doesn't cut it when you have a friend in real emotional pain.

I want to give you some ideas of the wrong things to say. Then at the end, I'll tell you the right thing to do. As usual, the correct answer is quite simple.

When we see someone suffering from a loss, our impulse is to say something that will help make the pain go away. We try to say something to cheer them up, divert their attention to something more hopeful, turn them away from the acute pain they feel. We do everything but validate the fact that they are suffering, because suffering makes us uncomfortable. Some examples of wrong things to say when someone is grieving:

"He's in a better place now..."
A favorite of the religious, but not very helpful. Even if the grieving person believes in heaven, he or she can simultaneously believe that their loved one is in a better place and feel horrible about losing the person in this world.

"At least her pain has ended..."
That's like telling someone who lost a finger that they still have nine. Yeah, duh... but I still lost a finger! No one wants their loved one to suffer, but that doesn't mean that the death of that person is any less of a loss.

"Thank God you're both young and can have other children..."
The most hideous thing you can say to someone who has lost a child or suffered a miscarriage. The person is grieving what they lost, and the promise of some future opportunity doesn't change the fact that he/she just lost something incredibly important right now. What you're saying might be true, but it's not helpful.

"You'll bounce back..."
Optimism is wonderful, but when someone has lost a job or has watched their house burn down, they are feeling loss in the moment. Looking forward is a good strategy for later, but for now, they are feeling sad and defeated. You need to honor today's emotion.

"We'll go to the store and get you a new puppy this weekend..."
You don't address a person's loss by offering them an immediate replacement. You wouldn't tell someone whose grandmother just died that you're going to take them to a nursing home and find them a new old lady. Then why would you tell a friend who just broke up with her boyfriend that you're going to take her out to meet hot guys at the bar this weekend? Let the person mourn the loss they just suffered. Finding an immediate replacement for what was lost is not productive for anyone. In fact, it's actually detrimental. Thinking someone will bond with a new puppy when they are acutely missing the pet they just lost is counter-productive.

"I know how you feel..."
No, you don't. I don't care if you went through a similar loss a week ago – every person's loss is unique because it involves the loss of a unique emotional relationship. Two siblings who just lost their father can feel it in completely different ways, based on the emotional relationship each had with their father. How can you know how the person feels when they are struggling to understand how they feel?

So, what's the right thing to say?

The key to helping a friend who is suffering a loss is to simply give him a safe place to express how he feels, no matter how sad, ugly, angry, immature, or hopeless that emotion might be. Let the person feel whatever they need to feel at the moment, and just listen. Comfort them by being there and caring. Most of the time you don't need to say much at all.

When someone near me suffers a death of someone close, I usually just ask them to tell me about the person. Or, I'll simply ask, "What happened?" Then I shut up and let them talk. I let them feel sad and upset. That's the natural emotion to feel when you lose someone, so I let them feel it. I've had several friends in recent years lose their jobs, or get seriously bad medical diagnoses. I just ask them how they feel. I let them vent. I let them tell me what fears dominate their minds at the moment. I don't worry about turning their attention to job search techniques or advances in chemotherapy in that moment... I just let them be pissed, scared, or angry.

Shut up and listen. Don't try to do anything. Don't feel compelled to cheer them up. Just listen and be there for them. That's what you do in the short term.

In the long term, after the initial loss, you want to help your friend "recover." I strongly recommend a very small, easy read called The Grief Recovery Handbook by John W. James and Russell Friedman. It's an amazing book that I've read a dozen times and have given to friends suffering with unresolved grief many times over the years. They just came out with a 20th anniversary updated edition, and it's wonderful.

One email is not an adequate effort

The following is a reworked post from 2008. It's been one of the most frequently downloaded, so I thought I'd run it again. Enjoy. - TJS


"I sent him an email and never heard back."

I didn't respond immediately, and my intern just waited. I had asked her why there had been no progress on a simple project I had given her – lock down a contract for a hotel meeting.

I looked at her, and with my most sincere and patient voice, I asked her, "Well, did you try calling him?"

"No, I guess I'll do that." Roll of the eyes. "People are so stupid sometimes."

It's amazing how many student leaders think that issuing one email is the sum of the effort they can be expected to put forth when it comes to communication. They send one email, and then throw their hands in the air. "I tried!"

There are lots of reasons why sending out one email (or heaven forbid, one text message) is not a sufficient effort. Many people ignore emails, or check them infrequently. Some people read an email, and forget to act on it. If you hit someone with an email at a busy time, they will barely notice it.

Then, there are people like me who receive 250 emails a day and have a hard time acting on each one. Some people like email, and some don't. Some prefer other methods of communication, and when it's you that has the need, you better be prepared to try several.

I experience this phenomenon on a regular basis with our customers. I have one customer who refuses to answer a phone call, but I can text a message, and she immediately replies. I have another who simply will not reply to an email, but if I take a piece of paper and write "PLEASE CALL ME! I NEED TO TALK TO YOU FOR 2 MINUTES!" and fax it to her, I'll hear from her within 10 minutes.

I have one customer who is only reachable via Yahoo Instant Messenger. I never used it, but you can bet I downloaded it because I knew it was the best way to reach her.

Now, I could piss and moan about it, but that wouldn't achieve my goal of speaking to her about business on an occasional basis. I haven't made desktop instant messaging my dominant method of communication, but she and I communicate regularly because I know how to best reach her when I need her.

It's about finding out how your people communicate, and getting the messages to them. You need to have multiple approaches until you find what works. Some people respond better to a phone call or voice mail. Some seem to only reply to text messages. Others need a face-to-face communication, with an email reminder. Great communicators know that getting the word out requires more than one method.

A day later, my intern returned. " He didn't return my message. We're screwed," she said.

"OK, then," I replied. "Please check into the cost of hiring a single engine plane to fly over the hotel pulling a banner message. I think one or two passes should do it, but see if the pilot has some sort of minimum."

She just looked at me.

"Or you could just drive over to the hotel and ask for him at the front desk."

Imagine you want to have a committee meeting with short notice. You must reach out to people in multiple ways in order to get them there. Sending one email, then whining when you're sitting at the table alone is not a sign of unmotivated people. It's a sign that you need to work on your communication skills. It's a sign that you need to try a little harder.

Two emails, two text messages, three face-to-face requests, three handwritten notes, 10 phone calls, six carrier pigeons, and one singing telegram. Then, we'll talk.

In the meantime, get me the number of that airplane pilot.

Build a stronger campus community with the SALAD interactive workshop from CAMPUSPEAK

Creating dialogue about slurs on campus

BITCH! NIGGER! FAGGOT!

If you were walking around the Rollins College (FL) campus in early November, you would have seen words like these on flyers and on the front page of the student newspaper (above). If seeing the slurs caused the hairs on the back of your neck to rise – well, that's the point, said Mahjabeen Rafiuddin, the college's new Director of Multicultural Affairs.

The community at Rollins had experienced some incidents involving slurs and cultural insensitivity early in the semester. Additionally, Rafiuddin had noticed many women casually using the word "bitch," referring to other women. She decided that it was time to open a dialogue on campus about slurs, their impact, and their varying levels of offensiveness.

On November 11, the Office of Multicultural Affairs hosted a campus program called "Diversity Dialogue" to give students the opportunity to discuss the impact of slurs in their community. To publicize the program, the OMA and its student leaders created flyers picturing pop culture celebrities who have used slurs.

It definitely got the campus' attention.

"I have a passion for creating dialogue about these controversial issues," Rafiuddin told me. "I wanted to see if we could have a civilized conversation about a very controversial issue."

Papering a relatively conservative, mostly-white private college campus with incindiery slurs was welcomed by some who felt the conversation was overdue. Others questioned Rafiuddin's professional judgment and accused her of trying to provoke in order to boost attendance at her event.

"Our campus is about creating global citizens and leaders," she said. "I wanted to ask the question: Do responsible student leaders use slurs to demean or subjugate others? Is this what global citizens do?"

Still, it felt like a bold move for a professional who had been on campus less than six months.

Knowing that the promotional tactic might ruffle some feathers, Rafiuddin sent an email to the college faculty before the promotional flyers appeared. In the email, she let them know the program's purpose with a very "academic" description of the program's goals and desired outcomes.

Still, some on campus were unhappy when the emails (with attachments of the flyers) appeared in their campus email boxes. One staff member wrote a very angry email to Rafiuddin. This person said that any email which might cause discomfort when opened in an office setting shouldn't be sent. The writer chided Rafiuddin for her "lapse in judgment."

Given the opportunity to do it again, Rafiuddin said she would do it. While it jarred some members of the community, it brought home the importance of the discussion.

"It's hard to have an honest conversation about slurs and be politically correct," Rafiuddin said. "As a campus, we needed to talk about how slurs are commonly used, how context matters, and why it's such a big deal," Rafiuddin said.

If you'd like to learn more about Rollins College's "Diversity Dialogues," please email Mahjabeen Rafiuddin at MRAFIUDDIN@Rollins.edu.

Greek bystanders

Let's say you have a sister whom you fear is suffering from depression. She's withdrawn from everyone; her entire demeanor is sad and fearful; she isn't taking care of herself; she's missing classes; she's not eating.

Sisters start to notice. "What's going on with her," they ask each other? Concerned conversations become more frequent.

You think to yourself, "God, I really should talk to her." Share your concern, see if you can help.

But then you talk yourself out of it. "Her roommate will say something. Her best friend, (insert name), has probably talked to her. The president will say something." We start reasoning every sister in the chapter who is closer to her, and therefore is more appropriate to say something.

We start convincing ourselves that the best thing we can do is to simply give her some space. Sisters who are closer to her will handle the situation, we silently hope.

Simultaneously, other sisters have the same internal conversation, and no one says a word to the young woman who is suffering. Except perhaps the tactless sister who says, "What's wrong with you?" in an accusatory tone in the bathroom one morning.

***

Let's say you have a brother who has gotten into three fights in the last month, always after parties or trips to bars. He's a fifth-year senior and has a big personality. In the last month, he's had broken lips, a blackened eye, and a dislocated shoulder from fights. He laughs about it, but he looks like hell.

Everyone's a little nervous about it. "What's up with him, lately," the brothers ask each other? Maybe something's going on with his ex-girlfriend, guys wonder. Perhaps he's just cutting loose some since this is his last semester at school. He doesn't seem that drunk when he leaves the parties.

In any case, you worry that he's going to get in one fight too many and end up in the hospital. You think about saying something to him, but you're a sophomore, and sophomores don't really question seniors, particularly about anything related to drinking. You tell yourself, "Well, his best friend (insert name) will say something. The social chair will say something. The risk management chair will say something. Certainly, one of his pledge brothers is on top of the situation."

You keep thinking of other brothers who are closer, or who have more sway over him. You think about how unpleasant the reaction would be if you said anything, and you convince yourself that there are plenty of other brothers better positioned to confront the situation – if indeed it needs confronting at all.

Give him some space. Let him work it out. Something is going on, and the best thing to do is to let him work it out privately, you decide.

Simultaneously, other brothers have the same internal conversation, and no one says a word to the young man who ends up bloodied every weekend. At chapter meeting, your advisor passes by the man and jokingly asks him if he's going as a crime victim for Halloween.

***

Conventional wisdom would tell us that being a member of a fraternity or sorority is a great place to suffer through a personal problem. Surrounded by brothers and sisters who genuinely care about us, there should be plenty of people who will step up, express concern, and get us the help we need.

But, my experience has been that the exact opposite is often true. In situations where more people are present and invested, there's more tendency to assume and hope that another person (other than you) will step up. The more players in a situation, the more the responsibility to act is diffused.

In fraternities and sororities, often, members accept the flawed idea that action is the responsibility of someone in a formal position. The president will do it, the member education chair will do it, the standards board chair will do it, the chapter advisor will do it. Everyone silently hopes that people act based on their job descriptions. Maybe it happens, maybe it doesn't.

Meanwhile, everyone looks at each other, observes a brother or sister in crisis, and does nothing. We are paralyzed because we are a big caring group. There's baggage. There's fear of alienating a friend. There's worry that there's a big terrible situation lurking behind the damaging behavior that you don't want to know about.

It's easier to hope that the situation will work itself out, magically, than to take action and talk to the brother or sister. The fear of "the talk" going badly outweighs the sense of obligation to do something.

***

Many of you have started new member education. This discussion is an important one to have. When is it time to stop thinking like a fraternity and start acting like a brother? When is it time to stop thinking like a sorority, and start acting like a sister?

Are we the type of group where brothers and sisters can feel safe expressing concern for one another – even in the toughest or scariest situations – without retribution? Is it OK for a young member or a new member to express concern for an older member?

Is it the responsibility of every brother or every sister to act when they think someone is in danger? Are we acting on that currently, or are we a bunch of bystanders? How should you confront a brother or sister you are worried about?

Frankly, I think this is the single most critical discussion you can have with your new members. Bring in older members who have gone through tough situations, and have them share how grateful they were when brothers or sisters stepped up. Give your new members permission and the expectation that being a brother or a sister means more than being a passive bystander.

And then, remind your brothers and sisters of the section of your ritual that talks about caring for a brother or sister in need.

Why National Coming Out Day is still important

One of my interns admitted to me recently that prior to coming to work for me, she said the word "gay" a lot. As in, "That's so gay." Like most people who say it, she didn't mean it in the literal sense of "homosexual." She didn't mean it as a slur on people with a non-heterosexual orientation. She meant it as weird, bizarre, or gross.

Everybody said it. It was part of common usage. It was just a word. So, she said it, too.

Knowing she was coming to Denver to work for a gay guy, her boyfriend commented, "Well, I guess you need to quit saying that, huh?"

October 11 is National Coming Out Day, and people sometimes ask me why there needs to be such a day. There are gay, lesbian, and bisexual television characters on all the popular shows. A gay Congressman has been on TV all week promoting the Wall Street Bailout. Everybody seems to have gay friends. Coming out, it seems, has never been easier.

But, dig deeper and you'll see that getting to a place of positive self-esteem for most gay and lesbian people is still a very difficult journey. I don't care how many episodes of Will & Grace your mother has seen, telling her you're gay is still very intimidating. None of us likes to break our mom's heart, even if we believe she'll eventually come around to embrace us as we are. It's still hard for many people to figure out how they'll be able to keep God in their life. It's hard to imagine how you'll ever be a parent.

It's still very hard to worry about friends rejecting you – even the ones who say "gay" all the time and mean no harm.

It's important that we all take a step back and remember how tough it is for young people of all shapes, sizes, colors, and religions to figure this puzzle out. We need to work a little harder to send the message that everyone deserves love, and self-esteem, and the ability to live a life where one's heart and one's mind operate harmoniously.

I have a friend who only came out about two years ago, in his 40's. During a recent hospital stay, his partner was embraced by his family and included in all the medical decisions. National Coming Out Day matters to him.

I know a young woman who struggles to deal with her sexual orientation because she worries about being rejected by her fundamentalist family and home community. She spends inordinate amounts of time on the Internet, reading and searching for something that will give her hope that she won't be rejected by everyone she knows. National Coming Out Day matters to her, because she'll probably still be deeply closeted when it's over.

October 12 is the 10th anniversary of Matthew Shepard's death. He was "out" on his campus, was a member of his GLBT student organization, and by all accounts, liked himself pretty well. Yet, he was victimized and left for dead, tied to a fence in rural Wyoming. Trust me, National Coming Out Day matters to his mom, Judy.

And, National Coming Out Day matters to me. I don't expect everyone who has yet to publicly self-identify as gay, lesbian, or bisexual to run down the quad waving a rainbow flag. For me, it's not about making some big show and daring people to accept you. For me, it's not even an observance for gay people.

For me, National Coming Out Day needs to be about straight people sending a message of acceptance and support so that the young man or woman in their life who is fighting the battle against fear can see supportive messages that they need so badly. Coming out requires courage, and some people need a little bit of that courage to come from you.

If you're reading this on Facebook, I encourage you to set your status to something supportive in the next two weeks. "Joe loves his gay friends" or "Kelly wants her sisters to know that it's safe to come talk to her." You never know if one of your friends really needs that kind of message.

If you are gay or lesbian, and a user of Facebook or MySpace, challenge your own fear and change that profile setting to an "Interested in" that reflects who you truly are.

And if you hear someone say the word "gay" as a synonym for "stupid," challenge it. Every time we use our words carelessly, we send a message that there is reason to fear, to hide, to be ashamed.

National Coming Out Day matters, but what matters more is the individual commitment each of us makes to promoting human dignity and respect, regardless of your personal sexual orientation.

Chelsea Clinton: Get out of the kitchen, Princess

The Clinton campaign has been sending out former first daughter Chelsea Clinton out to college campuses as a surrogate since the start of the year. By her estimation, she's been to 70 campuses selling her mother's candidacy. This week, Chelsea's campaign activity became news when a student at Butler University asked how former President Clinton's affair with Monica Lewinsky might have affected Senator Hillary's Clinton's reputation and candidacy.

It was a highly legitimate, excellent question. Said affair led to the president's impeachment. It led to the decimation of the final two years of President Clinton's second term. Whether you are a Democrat, Republican, or Independent, it's pretty much accepted fact that the Monica Lewinsky affair was a major national news story and a historical blemish on the Clinton presidency. As much as it might make Chelsea uncomfortable, it's clearly something much larger than a private family problem.

Did the Monica Lewinsky scandal impact Hillary Clinton's reputation? It is a completely legitimate inquiry of Hillary's campaign, which Chelsea – by her own free will – has allowed herself to become a part of. Time to put on your big girl pants, Chelsea.

Somewhere along the way, the protective bubble that protected Chelsea Clinton as a teenage first daughter was artificially extended into her adult life. Would I ask Chelsea about her father's affair at a social function or in a private setting? No, that would be in poor taste. But, if Chelsea, age 28, is going to put herself on the campaign trail as a high profile surrogate, then she needs to get a backbone.

If you can't stand the heat, Chelsea, then please leave the kitchen and return to your hedge fund job in New York City. Chelsea was a guest at Butler University, and when a Butler student asked a tough but legitimate question, she should have shown some moxie and offered a thoughtful response. Instead, she acted like a princess who is entitled to some special brand of selective privacy.

If Chelsea was staying out of the public eye and conducting her life privately and away from the glare of the campaign, then I'd be all for leaving her alone. But, she's chosen otherwise. The political past, present, and future of her parents is completely relevant.

If you are going to go onto a campus for an open question and answer session, then step up. If you can't do it, stay home, because you're not prepared. Students should be respectful, sure, but that doesn't mean students should only lob softballs at the First Princess.

Until Chelsea can engage students as an adult and a true campaign surrogate, she needs to stay home or at least off the nation's campuses where hard-hitting discussion is a treasured tradition.

Four goals for every communication

As a student leader, you are looking for every opportunity to have meaningful and productive communications: with an advisor, another leader, a community member, a potential date, whatever. If you want to improve the level of productivity that comes from your conversations with others, incorporate the Four Elements of a Successful Conversation.

This is basic sales training stuff. I don't take any credit for it. But, it might help you.

Element One: Small Talk
This is the chit-chat, the bonding between you and someone else. In this country, we typically like to begin our interactions with some of this. Warm people up a bit with quick, non-threatening questions. "Is your son still playing football?" or "Anything fun going on for you this weekend?" A moment or two invested in offering a compliment, commenting on a shared experience, or making a quick funny comment can get the other person in the right place for a great interaction. Warning: don't get too personal or probing. Don't be a weirdo stalker.

Element Two: Emotion and Insight
This is sharing how you feel or think about the situation you are discussing. Instead of saying, "We need to have a meeting about this project" (which sounds bossy and demanding, anyway), you will have a better communication saying, "I was thinking about this project, and I would feel so much more confident if we could take a half hour to brainstorm some goals." Sharing your feelings (emotion) and analysis (insight) demonstrates your commitment to a successful communication. Of course, this invites the other person to share his or her emotions and insights, and you'll need to listen to these and incorporate them.

Element Three: Exchange of Information
This is the factual content. Boil it down, make it clear. Put the product, so to speak, in a clear light. Give the other person the information he or she needs, and frame it in a way that will be meaningful to him or her. You're trying to get someone to a confident place so they can make a choice. Deadlines, resources, meeting places, situations affecting the outcomes, numbers, insider information, personalities, whatever. Things that kill you here: being wishy washy, not having your information correct, having no ideas, waiting for the other person to supply all the information.

Element Four: Decision and Movement
How did this conversation move the situation forward? Seek agreement on something, even if it's only to discuss it again at a later time. Even if you get shot down or get an answer you don't like, the situation has moved forward. Make a decision, agree to a course of action, or persuade the other person to a point of view. Your counterpart will always feel better about those minutes with you if something is more "resolved" than it was when you came in. If your conversation creates more work, confusion, stress or problems for the other person, that's a problem. Offer help to find resolution. Don't be the jerk who throws fuel on the fire then slips away.

Practice getting all four elements into your conversations. Whether you are meeting with your advisor about a challenge, recruiting someone to join, or trying to persuade someone to go on a date with you, these four "elements" are critical.

1. "Wasn't that football game amazing last week?"
2. "Ever since you and I talked in the nacho line, you've been on my mind. I had a lot of fun talking to you. You made me laugh."
3. "A bunch of my friends are taking out Jim for his birthday Sunday night around 9 o'clock, and it should be a really fun group of people. I think Jennifer is coming, too."
4. "Do you want to come along? If it's boring, we can cut out early..."

There, I just got you a date for Sunday night.

A machine in the wall that disburses money...

I graduated college in 1988. Every Friday afternoon, my friends and I would drive out to the Kroger grocery store south of campus and stand in a very long line. You see, that was how we got money in those days. All the local townsfolk would have just gotten paid and would be spending cash on the weekend's groceries. We would stand in the line at the customer service counter writing meager checks to Kroger, taking the cash off their hands. Sometimes there would be 100 or more students waiting in line to cash checks so they'd have money for the weekend.

Looking back, it sounds crazy, but there was an up-side to this Friday ritual. While standing in line, you'd find out all the parties that were happening that night and throughout the weekend. You could show up at Kroger with nothing to do and leave with a full social calendar for the weekend. And you always made sure you looked good before you went to Kroger because it might impact your sex life for the weekend, too. Lots of hookups began in the line at Kroger.

Then, something remarkable changed our culture. Two banks in our town installed these machines that allowed you to withdraw cash 24/7 from your checking account. The idea of being able to get money anytime you needed it was mind blowing to us. The only bad thing was that you had to take out money in multiples of $20, and that was hard for some of us who were used to writing Kroger checks for $10.

Within weeks, the "Friday evenings at Kroger" died off. And, our campus social scene suffered. Suddenly, no one knew where any of the parties were happening. We didn't have cell phones, email or even voice mail back then, so we were screwed.

Here's my point. Never underestimate how technology or the arrival of a new convenience can disrupt the social fabric of your campus. I'm sure Facebook has affected some campuses in the same way the "machine in the wall" affected us. Something equally revolutionary will come along again soon. It always does.

How are students on your campus sharing news? Is anything about that process changing? Something simple like the opening of a new coffee shop or a temporary closing of your student center for renovation could throw things out of whack. What's changing in your campus community that affects how news is shared, priorities are set, and buzz is spread?