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Sometimes, there is a person who drives you crazy in the office or in your organization. You find yourself cringing every time he or she approaches you or sends an email. You avoid eye contact.
This person starts taking on the role of the "Monster" in your mind. You're just sure that the Monster gleefully spends hours each day thinking of new and creative ways to piss you off, question your capabilities, undermine your ideas, and otherwise make your life a living hell.
That's almost never the case. You are the problem, just as much, if not more, than they.
This person is probably just trying to accomplish his or her tasks in a completely different style than yours, and because of communication issues, distrust, and that irrational monster living in your imagination, you've allowed a small barrier to become a mountain.
You're both building the mountain. You're both trying to accomplish goals, and honestly, you probably both want the similar things. It's just a style and communication conflict. Because you've both engaged in this stupid battle, you're both contributing to making the situation worse. As a result, you become enemies, and your non-productive relationship negatively impacts the organization.
Neither of you trusts the other, and neither will be the bigger person who tries to solve the situation. Tension builds. Sides are drawn. Angry whispers of complaint become full blown emotional outbursts.
You think that giving them a forced smile or making one attempt to work together makes you some sort of wonderful saint. Sorry, not good enough.
It doesn't need to be this way. Take a deep breath and repeat after me, "This person is not trying to piss me off."
Do it again. "This person is not trying to piss me off."
Write it up on a piece of paper above your desk. "This person is not trying to piss me off."
They aren't making you crazy. You're making yourself crazy. And, you're putting your team at risk because of it.
Here's what you need to do. Start going to this person on a regular basis when you don't need anything. Ask how she's doing. Ask if there's anything you can do to help. Remember, this person doesn't trust you, so they will look at you weirdly when you start being social. She doesn't want your help, but offer it anyway. Don't force it on her because she'll misinterpret it. Bring her a doughnut. Just be nice and non-threatening.
Then, find some basic little situation or problem that you're dealing with, and ask for her help or feedback. Give her the opportunity to weigh in, and whatever she says, validate it as a good idea (even if you had already thought of it, tried it, whatever). The key here is to validate the other person and make her feel appreciated and valued.
Third step. At your next meeting, thank the person publicly for her help. You don't need to go overboard. Your validation in front of others is going to make a big difference. Another thing you can do is to ask for his or her help in front of others in a friendly, positive way. It's hard to consider someone a Monster when they are asking for your valued help.
Rinse and repeat. Go be social and friendly. Ask for help and opinions. Praise and thank the other person.
The next time the person seems to do something that pisses you off, take a deep breath, remember "This person is not trying to piss me off" and put a smile on your face. Ask the person to sit with you to discuss the situation. Start off by asking for her perception of the problem, and just listen. When you feel the desire to be defensive or dismissive, stop yourself.
When you start to open up the communication a bit more proactively, the trust starts to build, and the mountain starts coming down. One day, you might even start seeing the Monster as an ally in helping you achieve your leadership goals.
