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I have a teenage son, and navigating the ever-changing norms of that relationship is a constant challenge. Can I ask about the girlfriend, or can't I? Do I praise the B on the test, or ask if he is disappointed? It never ends, and I seldom get things just right.
When you have a teenager, the most precious resource is his undivided attention, and you never get it. The iPod, the PSP, the cell phone – they all outrank me.
Yesterday, I drove him to school. He normally takes public transportation, so this was an unusual morning where we had 15 minutes together in the car for some real conversation. It didn't have to be anything serious or deeply meaningful, but I was excited about it.
We were barely out of the driveway when he began texting his girlfriend. I'd ask him a question, and he wouldn't hear me. I finally asked if he would put the phone away so we could talk. Competing for attention with a teenage boy's girlfriend is a sad and desperate battle, but I loaded my guns.
"What's so important?" he asked with a tone. "Nothing in particular," I said. "It would just be nice if you could put the phone away and focus on me for the next 15 minutes. You can focus on her the rest of the day."
He did well for almost a mile, but the vibrating in his pocket was too much to bear. "Don't do it," I said to him as I saw his hand move toward his pocket. He resisted, and resisted, and then had to look. "Two seconds, Dad," he said as his fingers began their task.
Then, I did something very mature. I just shut down and didn't talk to him the rest of the way to school. I was annoyed because he had made me feel unimportant. All I wanted was his undivided attention for a couple of minutes, and he absolutely could not provide it.
Why am I writing about this on my student leadership blog? Because I believe that giving someone your undivided attention has become the most rare and glorious form of respect. Have you ever been talking to someone at a bar or party, thinking you're making a connection, and they are busy looking over your shoulder at everyone else? You know how crappy that makes you feel? Don't be that person. Focus on who's in front of you.
And, let me be clear... it's not just the young people with their constant addiction to glancing at their phones. Us "old folks" are getting just as bad.
The other day, I was on a short phone call with a colleague who works in a busy student affairs office. He called me to set up a speaker, but about 20 seconds after we started talking, he said, "Hold on." I could then hear him shouting to someone in his office and laughing. I can't recount exactly what he said, but as I sat on the other side of the line ignored, I remember thinking, "Wow, that sounded critical." Remember – he called me. For a good 15 seconds, I'm sitting there, waiting for him to focus on the call that he just made.
Put the phone in your pocket. Close the door. Draw the blinds. Put the barriers up so that your cluttered, over-active, attention deficit disordered brain can give the person in front of you your undivided attention for two minutes. Or ten, or 15. Whatever's appropriate.
This holiday, you will probably be home with your family. Lay off the Facebook. Put the cell phone in your room instead of your pocket. Make a conscious decision to give your family and friends the one gift that will truly make them feel special... your undivided attention.
