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When you're a parent, you say certain things to your kid over and over. Some of these mantras you learned from your own parents, and they get passed on from generation to generation. Some come out of your mouth, and you're not sure where the hell they came from. When you get a nugget of wisdom that works on your kid, you tend to stick with it.
When my son lectures his children someday, here's the one that he will recycle from me. I've used it about a thousand times on him:
It doesn't matter what you meant to do. It matters what you did.
Not sure if I stole that from someone, but man, I have gotten some serious mileage out of it. Isaiah would do something wrong, and he would go to great lengths to try to excuse his behavior. He would tell me why didn't mean to do something wrong. How he meant to do something entirely different. How he meant to just do this, but then this other thing happened.
It doesn't matter what you meant to do. It matters what you did.
Just as the ends don't justify the means, the means don't justify the ends. When we do something wrong, we can't explain it away by what we meant to do. We have to stand up and apologize for the outcomes of our behavior. Yes, perhaps intent can soften the hurt feelings, but it doesn't excuse the result.
I understand that you didn't intend to crash my car into a tree, but you did, and now we have a situation. I understand that you meant to replace the $20 in my wallet that you borrowed without permission, but that doesn't excuse the fact that you took it.
Try it in the context of student affairs. I understand that you meant to turn in that form and it was a stressful week academically, but you didn't turn in the form. I know you didn't mean for anyone to get hurt at the party, but someone did. I know that you meant to pay your dues, but then that emergency car repair came up. Honestly, I'm very sorry, but:
It doesn't matter what you meant to do. It matters what you did.
Feel free to print it on a banner and hang it in your office.
Last night, I was in my office at home, and I was passively watching the finale of The Bachelorette. Actually, it was the "After the Rose" show, or whatever they call the post-game analysis. Pretty hysterical, and yet nauseating at the same time.
My son walked in during the segment where the woman and the guy she didn't choose have a little confrontation and share their hurt feelings. Great stuff. DeAnna Pappas is telling Jason (the Abercrombie model) why she chose the other guy (Jesse, the sensitive, needy snowboarder). In the typical tearful explanation, DeAnna tells Jason how she never meant to hurt him.
"Yeah, well," my son says out loud, "Doesn't matter what you meant to do. Matters what you did, Lady. Guess you shouldn't have gone on a reality TV show where you'd be breaking guys' hearts, should you?"
It was a proud moment in this parent's life.
