Breaking up shouldn't be so hard to do

We ended our relationship with one of our speakers this week. No surprise... I'd had an icky feeling about the relationship for a while. I've been in my business long enough to know when things aren't a win-win, and this one had been circling the drain for weeks.

But, like many of us, I let it go on too long. I let it play its course until we reached a point where a toxic cloud was hanging over all of us.

I admit it. I hate the "breaking up" feeling. I'm getting better at it, but I'm not sure it's ever going to come easy for me. I'm willing to tolerate a lot of crap before I get to the point where I overcome my discomfort and have "the conversation." I feel like Sex and the City's Carrie Bradshaw when I ask:

Why does breaking up feel harder than staying in?

Sometimes in student leadership, you have break-ups that you see coming a mile away, as well. Perhaps it's that officer who started off well but has become a total drag on your organization. Perhaps it's an advisor who no longer adds anything positive. Perhaps it's that member or teammate who's making too many bad decisions. Maybe it's the student worker who has screwed up so many times that he simply needs to go.

We delay the agony of the conversation. We keep thinking that perhaps the other person is going to step up and set things right. Maybe he will just quit on his own. We think that the annoyance is tolerable, even though very little "good" is coming out of the situation at all. We procrastinate, even though we know exactly where this dysfunctional relationship is headed.

All because the potential of that 10-minute conversation is so dreadful. Or, because we worry they will lash out at us and make it our fault. They will probably hate our guts for a long, long time, and it's going to be terribly awkward when you inevitably cross paths.

Go and Google "How to Break Up With Someone." The tips there are obviously for personal relationships, but you can take a lot of those tips and apply them to business or student-leadership breakups as well.

The one I struggle with the most is "doing it in person." I like to end relationships by email, which is a terrible way to do it. Hell, I'd do these breakups (firings, whatever) by carrier pigeon, if I could. I'm working on that.

Bottom line is that when things have gotten to a dysfunctional, harmful point, it's better to bite the bullet, confront the inevitable end of the relationship, and just do it. "Man up!" as my jock friends say. Face the ugly moments of the conversation with a mind toward the better situation that lives on the other side.

Is there a relationship in your student organization that is dragging you down? Then, it's time to employ the four most useful words in the English language:

We need to talk...

Lambda 10 releases transgender and Greek resource guide – available for FREE download

I just finished reviewing Lambda 10's Fraternity and Sorority Resource Guide, and I want to encourage all campus Greek advisors to get a copy and spend a little time with it. The guide was co-written by Jessica Pettitt, a member of our CAMPUSPEAK speakers team. I love that the resource guide is titled "Beginning the Conversation..." because I think it helps to accomplish just that.

As issues surrounding gender identity more readily enter the mainstream consciousness, it makes sense for those of us who work with people (young, old, whatever) to broaden our knowledge of transgender issues.

As a person with a strong personal commitment to human dignity and potential, I have been deeply touched by the stories of the transgender men and women I've met in my travels. I've seized numerous opportunities to interact with individuals working through transgender issues, and I find the whole thing fascinating. I can't think of a group that has a harder time in their struggle for rights and acceptance, so the part of me that immediately wants to fight for the underdog is drawn to the issue.

Denver has a very active trans community, and as I've become acquainted with members of that community, I've come to sympathize greatly for the struggles that many of them endure. I recently had a transgender woman come in to speak to my staff to help them better understand what it might be like to be, know, or care about a trans person.

Recently, I visited a school in the deep south, and I was approached by a fraternity president whose chapter was struggling with how to handle a member who was entering the next leg in his transgender journey. It was very emotional for all involved, rife with worries about rejection, abandonment, fear, public image, and values. It's really happening – everywhere – and the issue deserves some careful thought.

Reading the guide, you feel disheartened about how unlikely it is that a young person facing a gender identity crisis would find support and refuge in his fraternity or sorority. But, this guide is an important step toward eventual understanding.

In any case, I want to strongly urge every person who considers themselves a leader in the fraternity/sorority community to take a few minutes to get download a free copy of this guide, give it a quiet Saturday read in the coming months, and give some thought to how you will respond when a young person needs your assistance.

A word about those customized IFC polo shirts

I'm always amazed when I go to the Greek regional conferences each year, and I see IFC officers walking around the hotel in their matching polos with their customized embroidered logo stitched on the left chest. Frequently, I see that each of these officer has either his name or his position stitched in the shirt as well. The shirts easily cost $50 each, and some councils give them to every officer and subordinate chair.

Some councils prefer jackets – sort of in the tradition of high school lettermen making sure everyone knows their positions on the football or baseball team.

In almost all cases, the council pays for these shirts, or at least part of them.

This week, there was outrage around the country as the executives of the Big Three automakers flew private jets (three different ones) from Detroit to Washington to beg Congress for $25 billion in taxpayer funded loans. The implication, of course, was that these executives were desperate enough to appeal for taxpayer money, but not desperate enough to jump a commercial flight to D.C. to do it.

Same thing happened with AIG. Tens of billions in bailout money, but the lavish sales functions and retreats continued.

With these items in the news and people extra sensitive about how their tax dollars (IFC dues?) are being spent, do you really think the highly customized polo shirts are necessary for your MGCA or NGLA appearance? Give it some thought before you do it. Something as silly as a polo shirt could land you in the student newspaper with a lot of criticism aimed at your council during the first few precious months of your term.

Fellas, this year, be more careful about the discretionary spending. Start with the shirts. Downgrade to some nice t-shirts or something. You can be cool without the popped collars and embroidery.

Yes, I know previous councils had them, and it's not fair. But, this year is different from last year. This year, you need to be spending council funds on things that will justifiably help and advance your Greek community. Customized polo shirts don't make the cut.

Free speech gets ugly at N.C. State

By Jay Price, Raleigh News & Observer

RALEIGH - Four students who admitted spray-painting racist and threatening graffiti aimed at President-elect Barack Obama at N.C. State University won't be charged with any crime, but their work was condemned at a student rally Thursday.

About 500 people attended the rally at the NCSU Brickyard organized by the student government to demonstrate opposition to the graffiti. The graffiti appeared early Wednesday as modifications to positive messages about Obama that someone else had painted in the university's Free Expression Tunnel.

By 10 a.m., university workers had painted the entire tunnel white to erase the offensive messages, and students began replacing them with anti-hate slogans.

The U.S. Secret Service assisted in the investigation, said Jon Barnwell, spokesman for the NCSU police. The federal agency was notified immediately because of the nature of the graffiti, which said "Shoot Obama" and "Kill that n--."

What do your officers wish they had accomplished?

Your term is wrapping up. You've done some great things, but many goals didn't get accomplished because of time, changing priorities, or a lack of resources.

As you approach election time, ask each current officer to make a list of 3-5 things that they wish they had been able to do. Have them describe what prevented the goals from being accomplished and why the organization would have been better had the goals been achieved.

When you are facing officer transition, one of the best things you can do is help the incoming officers avoid re-creating the wheel.

These lists could be a great discussion starter in a transition retreat. Take some time at your next exec meeting and do these together, if you're afraid that outgoing officers won't do them on their own.

Give under-utlized officers something to do!

Regardless of what student organization you are in, there are probably officer positions that don't have a lot to do. Some, like president, have so much to do they can't keep up. Some others seem to have no specific role and they spend time twiddling their thumbs. This is a problem.

It's hard to stay motivated when you have very little important to do. And, it's hard for the overworked officers to stay motivated when their counterparts aren't carrying the same amount of weight.

And remember the most important rule of student leadership motivation: PEOPLE SUPPORT WHAT THEY CREATE. If your officers are constantly feeling like they are helping to create a successful organization, they will not be motivated.

Here are a few suggestions for energizing those under-utilized officers.

1. Don't be hemmed in by the job descriptions in your bylaws or Constitution. Just because your bylaws say that the Secretary's only job is to keep minutes at the meeting does not mean that he or she can't do other things. Put your Secretary in charge of a long-lingering problem and put some deadlines and expectations on him or her. So what if your Historian is only supposed to take pictures at events. Put him in charge of upgrading your risk management. Maybe even ask these officers if there is a significant organizational problem that they would like to tackle this year? As president, you should not feel constricted by your bylaws with regard to offering opportunities. In fact, your executive board will run better when everyone on it feels like he/she is making an important contribution.

2. As a fall-back, constitutional revision is always a great way to keep someone busy. Not to say it isn't important, but it is time consuming and can be tedious. Most busy officers don't have time to sit down and do it. It's a great thing to delegate and the discussion it produces in your organization will fire a lot of people up.

3. Assign under-utilized officers to help the overworked officers. If your Parliamentarian doesn't have a lot on her plate, then make her 2nd in command to the officer in charge of Homecoming. Have them work as a team. If your officer in charge of Homecoming protests, tell him that you don't want him burning out or feeling overwhelmed, so you've asked another officer to back him up. This is also a great defensive move against having one person in your organization totally responsible for a big thing, then flaking.

4. Put one of your officers in charge of your executive committee goals (this assumes that your exec actually has a set of goals for the year). Each week at your exec meeting, this officer is in charge of spending some time reviewing pertinent goals and helping the exec committee, as a whole, to make progress on the goals. Many of you have goals, but no one is staying on top of them after they are set. Assigning an under-utilized officer to manage their progress is a great, meaningful leadership opportunity. You can even say that you are putting this officer in charge of the organization's "strategic plan." That sounds very important.

5. Put an under-utilized officer in charge of "External Relations." This person is now in charge of finding co-sponsors for events, creating networking (social) opportunities with the student officers of allied organizations on campus, etc. This might not be necessary for a student government, but for special interest student organizations, it can make a big difference in terms of campus image and member recruitment.

You can really tell a lot about what kind of officer someone will be by how enthusiastically they seize or avoid these requests. Someone who seizes the opportunity to be the "strategic plan manager" might end up being a good future president. The officer who does nothing with a delegated set of responsibilities is probably at the peak of his or her ascension in the organization.

Be aware that giving under-utilized officers meaningful sets of responsibilities is an exercise in delegation and relinquishment of control. If this is a problem for you, then it's something to work on. You should trust your organization and your fellow officers enough to spread the important and critical work around.

What's the best thing to say when running for president?

You want to run for president of your organization, and to do it, you have to stand up and give a pitch. A speech. You have to make your case for why they should trust you to run the group for the next year.

Even if you're a shoo-in for the spot, the speech can be intimidating. How can you say something that will instill confidence yet not sound cheesy and trite?

You might want to say things like:

You have to elect me because I'm the only one who understands what the hell is going on.

Elect me so I can continue to do all the work like I've been doing all year anyway.

Vote for me. After the last dummy we had, I would be a massive improvement.

But, of course, you can't say those things. Aim for a spirit of collaborative leadership in your comments.

- I will aggressively seek out your best ideas. I won't just have an open door, I'm going to be knocking on your door, asking for your thoughts, your criticisms, and your willingness to step up and share the leadership with me and the other officers.

- Communication is the most important quality I plan to nurture, because when everyone is talking, trusting each other, setting shared goals, and working in unity, we can get amazing things done. I believe the most important thing I can do as president is keep everyone talking and feeling great about being part of this team.

- I promise to pay attention to the details.

- I will work very hard to move this organization forward, in small ways and maybe in a few big ways. If I didn't think I could do that, then I wouldn't want the job. If you just want someone to keep everything the same, I'm not the best person to vote for. I think our organization can be better and that's why I'm asking for this opportunity.

- I want this to be fun. I want to enjoy the experience, and I want you to enjoy being part of this organization. That won't always be easy, so I'll need your help. There will be times when the stress of being president will get to me, and that's when I'll need you to step in, offer me a little encouragement, and put my mind back in the right place. I'm going to count on you, just as much as you'll be counting on me.

- We have some problems. We all know that. I'm willing to put in the earnest effort to move us toward some fixes. Don't elect me to solve the problems. Elect me because you feel like you'd be willing to stand next to me and share the heavy lifting.

- I bring some good qualities that will help me succeed in this position. I hope that by serving as your president, I'll grow even more as a leader. I'm doing this because I want to make a difference, but also because I want to emerge a smarter, more able leader. If you give me this opportunity, I'm going to personally invest in it just as each of you is personally investing in me.

November 4, 2008