Don't be a bystander, but don't be a pain in the ass, either

Everyone's telling you not to be a bystander. I've been talking about it for years in my confrontation program, and one of our newer speakers, Mike Dilbeck, is becoming an anti-bystander crusader. It's a good and timely message. In a world of detached, communicate-only-by-text-message citizens, we need to be reminded that seeing a problem, stepping up, and saying something is a worthwhile thing to do.

It's important not to be a bystander. Hear me loud and clear.

But – like most things – refusing to be a bystander and confronting others should be done in moderation and with the use of your good judgment. If you confront absolutely everything you see that worries you, you will officially become your organization's biggest pain in the ass.

And nobody likes a pain in the ass.

People go out of their way to avoid a pain in the ass.

When you see someone smacking around his girlfriend, getting ready to drive drunk, skipping a week of class, doing drugs, not paying her dues, stealing your professor's Adderall, sporting a culturally or racially-insensitive Halloween costume, urinating on the chancellor's Mercedes, hooking up with a serial killer, or wearing polka dots with stripes – OK, confront right now. Seriously bad decisions require immediate confrontation.

When there's danger – when your gut tells you it's a crisis situation – you need to act.

Somewhere in all this talk of bystander behavior, though, some have begun to suggest that immediate confrontation, regardless of the circumstances, is always the right thing to do. Confront every single thing you see that you think is wrong, they say. Your conscience and your mouth must simultaneously engage. I respectfully disagree.

Don't become that person who confronts anything and everything, all the time, on a moment's notice. Ask yourself, at what point does becoming a superhero in the fight against bystander behavior make you a pariah? At what point are you rendering yourself completely useless as a leader because no one wants to be within 100 feet of you, lest they be confronted about something?

Pick your battles. You can't confront absolutely everything, and nor should you. Plain and simple. If you've gotten to this point as a student leader, then I hope you have some measure of good judgement. Use it.

If something is scary or terribly wrong, act immediately. If it's an annoying pattern, you might want to pick your moment, and it might be after you've spent a little time strategizing about the best way to approach things.

Most of the time, confrontation as a leadership skill is not an impulse behavior.

Do not misunderstand me. I'm all for confronting the smaller things, too: continuous silly lies, missed deadlines, burping at the dinner table, voting Republican. I had an intern who yawned with an uncovered mouth while I was talking to her at least once a day, and something finally needed to be said.

But you don't go off half cocked every time something annoys you.

Oh, and definitely don't become one of those people who feels the need to turn every difference of opinion into a huge confrontation. Delivering a self-righteous lecture about values every time you don't agree with a group decision makes you annoying. Demanding to know why you weren't invited to someone's birthday party – in the name of "refusing to be a bystander" – makes you pathetic.

Learning to confront, and refusing to be a bystander, is an important leadership lesson. Knowing how to use good judgment, however, is an even more important one.

Never confront a group

Let's say there are a group of people in your organization who are the root of a problem. Maybe it's a group of critical former officers, or a couple of friends who band together to cause drama at social functions. Maybe it's all the juniors who feel disconnected from the rest of the group, or perhaps it's the last class of initiated new members, or the women who live on that end of the residence hall.

The best course of action might seem to pull the group members into a room for a strong discussion about their behavior. Although it might appear to be an efficient solution, you could end up reinforcing their behavior instead of interrupting it.

Fraternity and sorority chapters frequently have the "pledge meeting" where they chastise the neophytes for a certain lack of enthusiasm, lack of progress, or incorrect behavior. These meetings feel effective to the members because the pledges snap into shape, but it is not exactly developmental. The pledges bond in a defensive way against the active members, creating long-term chapter unity issues.

The coaching staff of a sports team might use the same method: calling a team meeting and letting the players have it. A short term fix, that could have negative long-term morale implications.

If you confront a group of women who live at the end of the hall, it will likely reinforce the "us versus them" attitude. The women might sit and listen quietly, or they might flare defensively. In either case, they will quickly group up somewhere (probably in one person's room) and process the event as another justification for their negative attitude. When confronted, groups tend to adhere.

The answer is to do several, smaller confrontations aimed at the opinion leaders of the group.

Every group has leaders, formal or informal – people whose ideas shape the actions of the group. Calm, isolated talks with these individuals – from a place of mutual respect – is a better approach. From these conversations, you might learn some of the root causes of the conflict which will better illuminate a path forward. You can't solve an underlying problem if you don't understand it.

Your goal is that these individuals work with you to help create resolution. You can surely yell at their group members. Or, you could affect the opinions of influence leaders and send them back to their group with some collaborative ideas. It doesn't mean there will be a group hug right away, but small steps can move things along. Find common ground. Look for small bits of progress. Demonstrate a willingness to listen and get back to a good, positive place.

Humility and a willingness to listen are the best tools in resolving a conflict with a group. Usually the conflict originates from a group of people bonding over their sense of disconnect from the main group. That disconnect might be for a perfectly legitimate reason ("We don't have a voice!") to something more ridiculous ("We used to be really fratty and now we suck!").

Regardless, your only real option is to get things out in the open, to get people talking to each other, and to bring leaders to a place where the conflict can be resolved. Do this individual to individual – leader to leader.

Groups don't solve emotional issues. Individual leaders who care about the big picture do.

Congress, are you listening?

Avoiding dump trucks

I am an answers guy. I like to solve problems. Like many of you, I'm the guy who steps up with solutions. I have gotten to where I am by being the guy who takes a challenge and meets it. When someone complains, my first instinct is to brainstorm possibilities.

No problem is unsolvable! Cue the Superman music.

The bad part of being that kind of person, however, is that people love to lay their problems at your feet. The complainers, the whiners, the helpless incompetents – you are their best friend. When their love life is a disaster, you provide good ideas for fixing things. When they haven't done an adequate job on a task, you pull a last-minute solution that saves their ass. When things are hard, you are willing to get in there and help them manage.

These "dump trucks" come to you to fix things. They come because you kick them into gear. They come to you because "you always know just what to do."

And, it's exhausting.

If you don't figure out a way to repel some of this problem dumping behavior, you're going to spend the rest of your life solving other people's issues, taking on their stress, and sharing responsibility for their failures. One of the toughest things I've had to learn to do is to simply hold back on the impulse to help the dump trucks in my life. The minute someone complains about something, my brain goes into turbo autopilot. Left to my natural devices, I would start developing an action plan with them before they finish their sentence.

It takes all of my willpower to keep my mouth shut and simply say...

Hmm. I don't know. What do you think you should do?

As an experiment, try it for a week (or a month!). When a dump truck complains, or is worried about something, or has her weekly crisis, ask her a bunch of questions.

What ideas have you thought of?
What solutions have you ruled out?
So, what choices does that leave you?
What do you think should be done first?
What's your best idea for how to move forward?

When you try this out, you will find that people fall into a couple of different categories.

There are those dump trucks who can keep control of their payload. These are the ones who actually have an idea they want to knock around and who probably just need validation. They have ideas, and they're just afraid to be wrong. Or, they are missing something, and they feel unsure. When you ask them "What do you think?" they will venture a tentative answer. We like these people because they actually have put some thought into a problem before dropping it at our toes. For these people, a little encouragement, validation, or a conversation to flush out a solution is all they need.

It's the second group of dump trucks you need to worry about – those who give you a blank stare. These people are dumping their payload at your feet before you even know what's in the truck. Their idea of searching for a solution is to simply dump it on you and make you a party to the problem. They throw their hands in the air and act like the whole world is hopeless.

Just say, "Hmm. I don't know. What do you think?"

And that's all you give them. No dumping here, damn it! The really persistent ones will reply with, "I don't know what to think. That's why I came to you."

Hold your ground, even though your problem-solving brain is throwing a million good ideas at the inside of your mouth. Hold back. Don't solve their problem. They won't love you more for solving their problem.

"I have no idea either. That's a tough one," you'll say. "I'll think about it. Let me know when you get some ideas and we'll bat them around."

The person will probably be annoyed, ask why you aren't being helpful, and then they'll drive their dump truck to someone else's house. Worst case scenario: they stop dumping their problems on you and dump them on others. Best case scenario: they take more responsibility for solving their own problems.

When people are asked to take responsibility for solving problems themselves (with you just offering some encouragement), then they stop making their problems your problems. When you can help people do that, you've truly achieved a student leadership milestone.

An excellent video about how to confront

I really love this video. Makes such a good point about keeping confrontations about "what they did" and not "who they are," using race as the example.

Wanted to share it. Thanks to Steve Whitby for bringing this to my attention.

Reduce the drama before confronting

There is someone in your group (or group of friends) who needs a confrontation. They've done something to harm you, themselves of your group. You've decided that you're going to "have the talk," and you're starting to figure out the when and how.

It's important that you reduce the drama. A few tips:

Stop the electronic communication. Fiery emails, or six-page messages that pour out gobs of emotion are just going to make things worse. Move everything to the realm of face-to-face. Sometimes your "radio silence" will let people know that you're serious about dealing with the situation. Encourage others to cease the messages also. More drama is not what you need at this critical time.

Isolate the behavior. Write down the facts. What happened? Narrow the scope of your confrontation to the behaviors that were harmful. You're unlikely to change someone's style or personality, so don't try. Target the one specific thing that happened.

Talk to another friend about it. Look for that person you trust who will help you process the situation. Are you over-reacting? Are there other incidents you haven't heard about? Vocalizing your feelings and motivations for a confrontation to a caring friend FIRST can really help build your confidence. You might even do a role play, having the other person pretend to be the person you plan to confront.

Check your level of anger. Are you having trouble sleeping because your mind is racing? Are you distracted and pissed off about the situation? If so, you might be the wrong person to do the confrontation, and you might need to consider approaching another friend or member to do the confrontation. Anger and unchecked emotion will not help you achieve your goals.

Let things settle down. I'm a big fan of letting a day or two pass to let things calm down. It's amazing how a day or two of perspective can affect the situation's intensity. If fear and emotion are detriments, give them a day or two to evaporate a bit.

It is important to confront negative behavior, but there is no rule that says you have to do it within 24 hours. Confrontation mixed with drama almost never leads to change. Calming the situation down before constructively confronting someone is almost always the best way to go.

Breaking up shouldn't be so hard to do

We ended our relationship with one of our speakers this week. No surprise... I'd had an icky feeling about the relationship for a while. I've been in my business long enough to know when things aren't a win-win, and this one had been circling the drain for weeks.

But, like many of us, I let it go on too long. I let it play its course until we reached a point where a toxic cloud was hanging over all of us.

I admit it. I hate the "breaking up" feeling. I'm getting better at it, but I'm not sure it's ever going to come easy for me. I'm willing to tolerate a lot of crap before I get to the point where I overcome my discomfort and have "the conversation." I feel like Sex and the City's Carrie Bradshaw when I ask:

Why does breaking up feel harder than staying in?

Sometimes in student leadership, you have break-ups that you see coming a mile away, as well. Perhaps it's that officer who started off well but has become a total drag on your organization. Perhaps it's an advisor who no longer adds anything positive. Perhaps it's that member or teammate who's making too many bad decisions. Maybe it's the student worker who has screwed up so many times that he simply needs to go.

We delay the agony of the conversation. We keep thinking that perhaps the other person is going to step up and set things right. Maybe he will just quit on his own. We think that the annoyance is tolerable, even though very little "good" is coming out of the situation at all. We procrastinate, even though we know exactly where this dysfunctional relationship is headed.

All because the potential of that 10-minute conversation is so dreadful. Or, because we worry they will lash out at us and make it our fault. They will probably hate our guts for a long, long time, and it's going to be terribly awkward when you inevitably cross paths.

Go and Google "How to Break Up With Someone." The tips there are obviously for personal relationships, but you can take a lot of those tips and apply them to business or student-leadership breakups as well.

The one I struggle with the most is "doing it in person." I like to end relationships by email, which is a terrible way to do it. Hell, I'd do these breakups (firings, whatever) by carrier pigeon, if I could. I'm working on that.

Bottom line is that when things have gotten to a dysfunctional, harmful point, it's better to bite the bullet, confront the inevitable end of the relationship, and just do it. "Man up!" as my jock friends say. Face the ugly moments of the conversation with a mind toward the better situation that lives on the other side.

Is there a relationship in your student organization that is dragging you down? Then, it's time to employ the four most useful words in the English language:

We need to talk...

Your buddy, the "problem drinker"

You know that friend I'm talking about. He is incapable of having fun unless he's wasted – but he's wasted a lot, so he always seems to be having fun. He's larger than life most nights and always the center of attention. Loud, laughing, grinning. In the eye of every hurricane.

Everything about him says "drunk": his Facebook picture, the stories about him, the bottles and cans littering his living space. He's funny, or good looking, or sarcastic: so people love him and hand him more drinks. Girls love him, except the ones who mistakenly fall for him.

His drinking always ends up creating drama, or at least entertaining stories. He's always eager to tell the stories because they make him special and entertaining. He leaves out the less cool parts, like the puking, missed classes, or the damage to his car he caused driving through the Taco Bell drive-thru drunk at 3 a.m.

He never actually "goes to bed." He passes out most nights and nods off on the others. Deliberate decisions are few. He frequently has no idea where his car is.

He ends up making out with anybody who will have him. The sex is probably sloppy and disappointing, and it's never safe. You don't actually know that, but it's a safe assumption.

He frequently has scrapes, bruises and blood-shot eyes. There's that story of the night he slept outside on the lawn. His skin has seen more Sharpie than soap. Maybe he's gotten into trouble with the law. Fights, verbal confrontations. While he was drinking, he said and did things that damaged friendships and romantic relationships that showed some promise, followed up by apologies to people who would listen and dismissal of those who wouldn't.

There was that period of about two weeks when he told everyone he had given up drinking. He made a really big deal of making sure everyone saw and heard about the new page he was turning. But, it didn't last long. Some event (a birthday, a campus event, a big party) came up, and everything went back to normal.

During the day, he's like a weakened vampire. You try to talk to him, but he really doesn't want any accountability. You try to positively influence him. Maybe you joke and ask him why he's always such a mess. But, you're met with apologies, excuses, promises, avoidance, or defensiveness.

You begin to wonder if he's headed for a lifetime of hurt and shame. We know that the drunken fun is just a college thing for most people, but we fear it's not the case for him. Maybe this guy is an actual alcoholic, or maybe he's not. In any case, problem drinkers don't usually reform on graduation day. After school, this guy is going to lose a job, get a DUI, endlessly usher a parade of low-life through his bedroom.

The guy everyone thought was fun is going to end up being enormously pathetic. He's the guy who will come back to Homecoming and be exactly the same drunk he was when he was an undergrad.

A problem drinker is a person who experiences problems when he drinks. Plain and simple. Most of us have a friend who is one. A car driving 100 mph, headed for a cliff. Impossible to stop or steer.

Greek bystanders

Let's say you have a sister whom you fear is suffering from depression. She's withdrawn from everyone; her entire demeanor is sad and fearful; she isn't taking care of herself; she's missing classes; she's not eating.

Sisters start to notice. "What's going on with her," they ask each other? Concerned conversations become more frequent.

You think to yourself, "God, I really should talk to her." Share your concern, see if you can help.

But then you talk yourself out of it. "Her roommate will say something. Her best friend, (insert name), has probably talked to her. The president will say something." We start reasoning every sister in the chapter who is closer to her, and therefore is more appropriate to say something.

We start convincing ourselves that the best thing we can do is to simply give her some space. Sisters who are closer to her will handle the situation, we silently hope.

Simultaneously, other sisters have the same internal conversation, and no one says a word to the young woman who is suffering. Except perhaps the tactless sister who says, "What's wrong with you?" in an accusatory tone in the bathroom one morning.

***

Let's say you have a brother who has gotten into three fights in the last month, always after parties or trips to bars. He's a fifth-year senior and has a big personality. In the last month, he's had broken lips, a blackened eye, and a dislocated shoulder from fights. He laughs about it, but he looks like hell.

Everyone's a little nervous about it. "What's up with him, lately," the brothers ask each other? Maybe something's going on with his ex-girlfriend, guys wonder. Perhaps he's just cutting loose some since this is his last semester at school. He doesn't seem that drunk when he leaves the parties.

In any case, you worry that he's going to get in one fight too many and end up in the hospital. You think about saying something to him, but you're a sophomore, and sophomores don't really question seniors, particularly about anything related to drinking. You tell yourself, "Well, his best friend (insert name) will say something. The social chair will say something. The risk management chair will say something. Certainly, one of his pledge brothers is on top of the situation."

You keep thinking of other brothers who are closer, or who have more sway over him. You think about how unpleasant the reaction would be if you said anything, and you convince yourself that there are plenty of other brothers better positioned to confront the situation – if indeed it needs confronting at all.

Give him some space. Let him work it out. Something is going on, and the best thing to do is to let him work it out privately, you decide.

Simultaneously, other brothers have the same internal conversation, and no one says a word to the young man who ends up bloodied every weekend. At chapter meeting, your advisor passes by the man and jokingly asks him if he's going as a crime victim for Halloween.

***

Conventional wisdom would tell us that being a member of a fraternity or sorority is a great place to suffer through a personal problem. Surrounded by brothers and sisters who genuinely care about us, there should be plenty of people who will step up, express concern, and get us the help we need.

But, my experience has been that the exact opposite is often true. In situations where more people are present and invested, there's more tendency to assume and hope that another person (other than you) will step up. The more players in a situation, the more the responsibility to act is diffused.

In fraternities and sororities, often, members accept the flawed idea that action is the responsibility of someone in a formal position. The president will do it, the member education chair will do it, the standards board chair will do it, the chapter advisor will do it. Everyone silently hopes that people act based on their job descriptions. Maybe it happens, maybe it doesn't.

Meanwhile, everyone looks at each other, observes a brother or sister in crisis, and does nothing. We are paralyzed because we are a big caring group. There's baggage. There's fear of alienating a friend. There's worry that there's a big terrible situation lurking behind the damaging behavior that you don't want to know about.

It's easier to hope that the situation will work itself out, magically, than to take action and talk to the brother or sister. The fear of "the talk" going badly outweighs the sense of obligation to do something.

***

Many of you have started new member education. This discussion is an important one to have. When is it time to stop thinking like a fraternity and start acting like a brother? When is it time to stop thinking like a sorority, and start acting like a sister?

Are we the type of group where brothers and sisters can feel safe expressing concern for one another – even in the toughest or scariest situations – without retribution? Is it OK for a young member or a new member to express concern for an older member?

Is it the responsibility of every brother or every sister to act when they think someone is in danger? Are we acting on that currently, or are we a bunch of bystanders? How should you confront a brother or sister you are worried about?

Frankly, I think this is the single most critical discussion you can have with your new members. Bring in older members who have gone through tough situations, and have them share how grateful they were when brothers or sisters stepped up. Give your new members permission and the expectation that being a brother or a sister means more than being a passive bystander.

And then, remind your brothers and sisters of the section of your ritual that talks about caring for a brother or sister in need.

Time to remove a slacking officer?

Your organization elected new officers in November or December. It's now mid-February, and you might have an officer who isn't meeting expectations. This is very typical, and it requires action. An officer who isn't attending meetings, isn't contributing, or isn't fulfilling their job duties either needs to get in shape, or be gone.

As an organization president or chairperson, you have an obligation to make sure everyone on the team is doing their assigned role. Officers who are simply place holders do nothing to move your organization forward. Even if this person is your friend, you need to confront it, fix it, or give someone else the opportunity to lead.

Imagine that you're the boss, and you had an employee with a one-year contract. How long would you wait before confronting poor performance? If it's been a couple of months since your new officer transition, then it's time to do a quick performance review. This can be one of the tougher parts of your job, but it is necessary.

As a first step, schedule a discussion with your advisor. Bring up your concerns and ask for advice on how to proceed. Perhaps your advisor will be willing to help with a conversation to the slack officer. Maybe your advisor knows something about the student's situation that you do not.

Often, leaders aren't performing because they aren't sure what they are supposed to be doing. There's a chance that one good conversation with some goal and deadline setting could solve the problem.

If you have an officer who simply has checked out, doesn't want to do his/her job, is causing problems for others, or who suddenly has dropped your organization from his/her list of priorities, then you might have to act to remove this person from office. Sometimes, you can simply give them a way to exit gracefully. If you can do this in a way that helps him or her save face, it's the way to go. Low drama is a good, good thing.

If they want to argue with you, then you have a more complicated problem. In this case, set concrete short term expectations and give him/her a chance to get it together. If they fail to achieve these benchmarks, then it's time to get the rest of your leadership team involved.

Another idea: perhaps it would be a good idea for your executive council or committee to do some sort of group evaluation. Allow each officer to give a "grade" to his/her fellow officers in some anonymous way, and then share the results in one-on-one meetings with each. Make sure that you, as president or chair, are also being evaluated. Again, work with your advisor to make this happen. Your advisor might even have some evaluation instruments to save you some time in this sort of process.

In any case, by March, you need to make sure your team is operating at its highest productivity. People tend to lose interest and energy as their terms are winding up, so if you aren't getting their best effort this early in the term, it's unlikely to improve. You need to move on it immediately. Time will not fix the problem.

Do you know a problem drinker?

Someone is a "problem drinker" when their drinking is causing problems. How simple is that? It's one of the best lessons I learned from my years working for the BACCHUS Network in the early 90's.

If you have a friend who consistently experiences negative consequences from his or her drinking episodes, then he or she is a problem drinker. This could include: injuries, incidences of violence, ill-advised hookups of any kind, damaged friendships/relationships, failed commitments, physical sickness, blackouts, violation of policies, getting in trouble with the law, and more.

College students tend to have a higher threshold of tolerance for problem drinking behavior in their friends. One thing we can all do this National Collegiate Alcohol Awareness Week is to question whether the problems our friends are experiencing when drinking are truly "normal college behavior." Is it normal to lose your job because you've missed work three times due to hangovers? Is it normal that he or she ruins romantic relationships repeatedly by going into drunken rages? How many problems will you allow your friend to have before you express concern?

Is your friend an alcoholic? I don't know. Actual alcoholism is a much larger mental and physical issue. I'm not even sure how alcoholism is diagnosed. But many people who are not alcoholics can still be problem drinkers.

The good news is that a problem drinker can take immediate and effective steps to change his or her behavior. You've heard the now-cliche statement that "the first step is admitting you have a problem." Well, sometimes this admission is what it takes to get a problem drinker back on a track of better choices. Maybe all he or she needs is a positive, constructive confrontation from a friend.

Do you know someone who experiences problems as a result of his or her drinking? If so, that person is a problem drinker. If you are truly a friend, you owe it to your friend to express concern and offer assistance.

Never confront a group...

It's always better to identify those people who are leaders of a particular group and then confront them individually. If you do the confrontation well, the message filters down and change begins to happen organically. When people are confronted as a group, they deflect the blame or need for change onto the group and are less likely to take personal responsibility.

So, if you have a group of seniors causing problems in your meetings, figure out who the gang leader is, and have a talk with him or her. If you have a group of new members who are not meeting expectations, identify the most influential member of the group, and have a talk with him or her.

For the Greeks reading... Don't "call all the pledges together" for a group confrontation. That's just poor leadership. All you do when you do this is assert your power and authority, which is more about your ego than affecting change. By doing a constructive confrontation with those influential new members, you get the leadership wheels turning in the right direction.

By the same token, don't stand up at your meeting and go on a rant. You think you're confronting the group about something, but all you're doing is venting and damaging your reputation as a leader. Calm yourself down by venting to a trusted friend or your advisor, then start figuring out who the leaders are and plan your individual conversations.

Don't confront your officers, your teammates, or your staff as a group. While you might put a group on guard about something pissing you off, you don't usually get the change you really crave. Take the time, and do it right. Confront the individuals for best results.