Bouncing back from a blunder

We all make mistakes. If you're a high profile student leader, there is a solid chance that something will happen that will knock you squarely on your ass. Your ego will be in tatters. Everyone will be angry at you, or at least delighting in your misstep. You'll be sure that everyone is out to get you.

In our culture, there's a certain twisted sweetness to watching the mighty fall. Look no further than the demonization of Kanye West, or the critical trashing of Jay Leno. You can practically hear the giggles from Detroit as Toyota gets ripped apart in the press. The higher you sit, the higher you fall. When the leader screws up, it's news.

Initially, you will get angry. You will lash out. You will plot revenge. You will whine incessantly to your inner circle. You will resolve to fight back, because damn it, "It's not fair!" People don't understand the truth. No one has asked for your side of the story. The public doesn't understand the details. They don't know the truth about how evil the other person is.

Whether you're the world's greatest golfer (Tiger), a top-earning actor (Hugh), or a struggling President of the United States (Barry), you are going to need to quit the whining at some point and accept the reality that you screwed up. Fair or not, you have a decision to make. Are you going act immediately to try to repair things, dig the hole deeper with excuses and denials, or hide?

If repairing things is your choice, here are some things I suggest.

Take your lumps, and openly admit your mistakes.

Our culture is big on redemption. The cycle – build 'em up, rip 'em down, and build 'em up again – is a worn cliche. If you're going to repair your image, make the necessary public apologies, admit your mistakes, and ask people to forgive you. Take responsibility for your role in the debacle, even if you feel that you've been handed more than your fair share of the blame.

Look like you learned something.

After the apology, people will still be watching you, and if they see more of the same behavior, there will be hell to pay. Let people watch you do the exact opposite of the behavior that got you in trouble. You can bet you won't be seeing Tiger Woods out at any strip clubs anytime soon. You'll see lots of pictures of him with his mother and child, helping people in need, etc. If he's ever going to regain his pre- sex scandal status, he's going to have to look like Mother Teresa for a while.

Drop the arrogance.

Watch how Toyota promotes itself in the coming year. Television ads won't be trumpeting their sales prowess. You won't hear Toyota calling itself the best, the most trusted, or the coolest. That's what you'll hear from Ford or Honda perhaps, but not Toyota. Toyota is going to be promoting safety, a resurgence of quality – all aimed at rebuilding trust. To regain what they lost, they need to look solid, not flashy.

Reach out and rebuild relationships.

If you, or the situation, has yielded negative feelings and burned bridges, the first steps to rebuild those relationships need to come from you. You can't expect much. You can't expect embraces and giggles. But, if you show some sincere effort to reach out, make amends, and support those you might have alienated, something good might return. Remember to expect nothing, and give freely. When you demonstrate a sincere attempt to get things moving in the right direction, without an expectation for anything selfish, forgiveness and trust have a greater chance to return.

Acknowledge your real friends.

There's a temptation to look for ways to hurt those who hurt you, but it's better for the soul to turn the other direction. Make time for the friends who stood by you, who helped, who listened. Thank them sincerely, and spend time with them. Let them know that their loyalty and unconditional support was not taken for granted and that you stand ready to support them if they ever need the same. Anyone who has ever been through a debilitating injury, a divorce, the death of a child, a bankruptcy, etc., will tell you that the low points are when you find out who your real friends are. Take that as a gift and appreciate it.

Watch your mouth.

John Mayer got in trouble this week for a Vanity Fair interview in which he said some pretty arrogant and insensitive things. John will likely be keeping his mouth shut for a while, and so should you. All that anger you still feel? Find a benign way to get it out that doesn't involve you shooting your mouth off to others. People talk, and many are looking for any hint of negativity from you.

Put on a happy face.

No one feels sorry for you.

Do good work.

It's the most important element of redemption. Demonstrate that the talent you brought in the first place was real and that the initial praise was deserved. You have to earn that high place again. Let your good work speak louder than your damaged image.

Kanye West probably will again release a great CD again. Jay Leno will go back to producing mildly entertaining late night television, his core fans will tune back in, and he'll be back on top of Letterman within a year. I'm betting Barry has strong approval ratings by 2012.

Only a few short months after coming clean about his steroid use, Mark McGwire begins his new job as the hitting coach for the Cardinals this week in St. Louis.

Bouncing back from the blunder is possible, but the only person who can get things moving toward that goal, is you.

Sleeping with your brother, part two

When two brothers, sisters, or same-gender members enter into a romantic relationship of any sort within the context of their organization, I believe it is the organization's obligation to treat them fairly. These relationships are going to happen – it's to be expected. Though it might make some other members uncomfortable, those two members have the same right as anyone else to enter into a positive, consenting relationship.

It really only becomes a problem when those two people start making the dynamics of their personal relationship everyone else's problem (see part one). With that said, it's time now to speak directly to the individuals involved in the relationship. For purposes of simplicity, I'm going to write this to two hypothetical fraternity men from the same chapter. I trust you can extrapolate to other similar situations.

Dear Brothers Sleeping Together,

Are you sure you can handle this? There's no such thing as a casual relationship in the context of an established group. This is going to be the most complicated relationship you've ever been a part of. The "difficulty rating" is high, and if this thing is going to turn out well, you are both going to have to be smart about it.

Here's some advice...

Be Understanding. Think how long it's taken you to come to a place where you're comfortable with your sexuality... now be sensitive to the fact that this might be the very first time many of your brothers have been anywhere near a gay relationship. Give them some time to adjust. They have fears and concerns, and that doesn't mean they are necessarily homophobic. If you expect everyone to embrace your relationship immediately, you're delusional. Some brothers will support and encourage you, some will be quietly uncertain, and some will visibly dislike the idea. You deserve to be treated respectfully, but your brothers don't owe you an endorsement. Don't ask for it. Seek validation from each other, not from your brothers.

Set a positive example. You didn't enter into this thing intending to give a big group lesson on gay relationships, but you have to understand that you've brought this issue into the family context of your fraternity. People are going to want to talk about it, in front of you and behind your back. You have to be OK with that. How you two behave will have a big impact on how brothers view future gay relationships they encounter. When others see that your relationship is no different from theirs, you make it better for the brothers who find themselves in this situation next year, or the year after. Perhaps this little bit of extra pressure is a good thing, because it gives you the additional motivation to approach your relationship carefully and respectfully.

Be in it for each other. In a relationship, you need to focus on the other person. That's where your attention should be. Enjoy each other. Spend time together. All the fun stuff about being with someone new will be better when it's shared privately. Get away from the watching eyes of your brothers as much as you can, not because you have to, but because you want the time to focus on each other. I would give this same advice to heterosexuals, by the way. Too many brothers enjoy putting their romance on display for their brothers, which cheapens their relationship in my opinion.

Be discreet. You don't need to live out every little drama in front of everyone. Your relationship isn't an official chapter function, so don't treat it like one. That includes what you post on social networking sites. If you feel compelled to change your relationship status on Facebook, that's one thing, but I don't recommend you putting "Jason rocked my world all night last night" on your status update. You don't need to lie about your relationship, but it doesn't need to be an embarrassing reality show either. Discretion is a dying art, and believe me, a little bit in this situation will go a long way. By the same token...

Demand privacy. If you're being discreet and private, you have a fair expectation that your relationship is not an agenda item at this week's chapter meeting. If brothers are acting inappropriately by making jokes or making your relationship chapter business, you should confront that. You should remind them that your relationship is a private matter and that if they have concerns, they should speak with you directly in a private setting. If you're being harassed at any point, stand up for yourself and demand that the leaders of your chapter step in to stop the foolishness.

Get on the same page. What are the rules going to be? Are you going to the formal together at some point? Who's sleeping where? Talk about these things now. If you're putting your fraternity brother roommate in an awkward situation, that's not a good idea. It would also be very smart to discuss an "exit strategy" if things don't end up well. Can you both agree to return to the status of just brothers in a respectful way if things don't work out? This isn't just some guy you're dating – the last thing you want is a bunch of bitterness tarnishing the remainder of your college fraternity experience.

Respect some barriers. If you serve in a leadership position in your chapter, you need to do your job and not let this relationship affect your duties. If your feelings for your partner affect your ability to be a good, contributing brother, you're going to have problems. Imagine you were at a job... would you be acting all lovey-dovey in the office? Probably not. Same goes for fraternity. When you're in a fraternal context, be a brother. When you're in the context of your relationship, be a boyfriend. If you're smart, you'll know the difference.

Here's my final word. Sometimes, we don't treat each other very nicely when relationships get tough. We cheat. We say unkind things. We tear down the other person with our attitude, our actions, and our words. Try to remember that you made a promise to this man long before you became intimate.

You said that you'd be lifelong brothers, and that promise means something.

Creating dialogue about slurs on campus

BITCH! NIGGER! FAGGOT!

If you were walking around the Rollins College (FL) campus in early November, you would have seen words like these on flyers and on the front page of the student newspaper (above). If seeing the slurs caused the hairs on the back of your neck to rise – well, that's the point, said Mahjabeen Rafiuddin, the college's new Director of Multicultural Affairs.

The community at Rollins had experienced some incidents involving slurs and cultural insensitivity early in the semester. Additionally, Rafiuddin had noticed many women casually using the word "bitch," referring to other women. She decided that it was time to open a dialogue on campus about slurs, their impact, and their varying levels of offensiveness.

On November 11, the Office of Multicultural Affairs hosted a campus program called "Diversity Dialogue" to give students the opportunity to discuss the impact of slurs in their community. To publicize the program, the OMA and its student leaders created flyers picturing pop culture celebrities who have used slurs.

It definitely got the campus' attention.

"I have a passion for creating dialogue about these controversial issues," Rafiuddin told me. "I wanted to see if we could have a civilized conversation about a very controversial issue."

Papering a relatively conservative, mostly-white private college campus with incindiery slurs was welcomed by some who felt the conversation was overdue. Others questioned Rafiuddin's professional judgment and accused her of trying to provoke in order to boost attendance at her event.

"Our campus is about creating global citizens and leaders," she said. "I wanted to ask the question: Do responsible student leaders use slurs to demean or subjugate others? Is this what global citizens do?"

Still, it felt like a bold move for a professional who had been on campus less than six months.

Knowing that the promotional tactic might ruffle some feathers, Rafiuddin sent an email to the college faculty before the promotional flyers appeared. In the email, she let them know the program's purpose with a very "academic" description of the program's goals and desired outcomes.

Still, some on campus were unhappy when the emails (with attachments of the flyers) appeared in their campus email boxes. One staff member wrote a very angry email to Rafiuddin. This person said that any email which might cause discomfort when opened in an office setting shouldn't be sent. The writer chided Rafiuddin for her "lapse in judgment."

Given the opportunity to do it again, Rafiuddin said she would do it. While it jarred some members of the community, it brought home the importance of the discussion.

"It's hard to have an honest conversation about slurs and be politically correct," Rafiuddin said. "As a campus, we needed to talk about how slurs are commonly used, how context matters, and why it's such a big deal," Rafiuddin said.

If you'd like to learn more about Rollins College's "Diversity Dialogues," please email Mahjabeen Rafiuddin at MRAFIUDDIN@Rollins.edu.

I've just been SO busy!

How many times have you heard this in the last month? It's become the regular excuse for just about everything. Sorry I didn't call you. Sorry I didn't reply to that email. Sorry I've been out of touch. Sorry I forgot your birthday. Sorry I haven't been able to come to any of your meetings. Sorry I didn't call you after our date.

I've just been SO busy...

When you claim "being busy," you're basically saying, "It hasn't been my priority."

The people who are "so busy" (and presumably, more busy than you or I) have had time to do a million small things that are more important than satisfying you. Fair or not, you aren't their priority.

In some cases, they've been so intensely busy, they have barely had time to grab a meal here and there. But, often, it's just a convenient excuse for not prioritizing YOU. They've had time to play video games, watch television, check their Facebook.

If someone told them to stop by to pick up an apple pie, they'd find time. If that special someone made a booty call, they'd be right over. If their boss told them to work an extra hour or be fired, they would do it. If someone offered to clean their house, they'd have time to drive the key over.

We make time for the things we care about. If that person actually cared about answering your question or doing that small favor for you, they would have found time. It's that simple. When someone says, "I've been busy," what they mean is, "You haven't been my priority." But, "Things have been crazy lately!" sounds so much less offensive.

If you have someone who keeps giving you the excuse, it's time to deal with the fact that he or she is not likely to make you a priority.

And, if you're the one who is always saying it, time to stop. Instead of saying, "I'm sorry, I've just been so busy," say something more honest, such as:

"You know, I'm a jerk for not getting back to you, I'm sorry. I'll do it by tomorrow afternoon."

"I really don't have time to make that a priority. Maybe you should find someone else."

"I've been under a lot of stress lately and I have been forgetting a lot of things lately."

Or maybe even, "Yeah, don't hold your breath on that one."

Amethyst Initiative, Choose Reponsibility, an update

I've written before about the Amethyst Initiative, a group of 134 college and university presidents and chancellors who signed a statement that, basically, says that the 21-over drinking age isn't working. This weekend at the Association of Fraternity Advisors annual meeting in Denver, I had the opportunity to sit in on two sessions that focused on the debate over whether the federal government should dictate a drinking age. Both featured Dr. John M. McCardell Jr., President Emeritus of Middlebury College (VT).

As you can guess, there are a lot of strong opinions about whether the legal drinking age should be 18, 21, or something else. McCardell is on the board of directors of Choose Responsibility, a group who believes it should be 18. Not everyone who has supported the Amethyst Initiative necessarily believes 18 is the magic number... they just think that 21 isn't working.

People in higher education are not sure how to politically dance on this one. If you question the 21-year-old drinking age, then you run the risk of being accused of supporting alcohol abuse and the negative consequences that brings. At the sessions, I spoke to many attendees who personally think the 21-year-old drinking age is a ridiculous federal mandate but who did not feel they could ever publicly take a stance. National fraternity staff members are even less likely to invite themselves into the public relations fray – many in the public would expect fraternity folks to be all for easier drinking.

Drew Hunter of the BACCHUS Network stressed that his organization has not formed a statement on the issue, and he also acknowledged that as a recipient of federal Department of Transportation dollars, he sits in an unusually tight spot on this issue. It was interesting when Hunter said that lowering the age would, without a doubt, cause drinking rates to increase among high school age kids. McCardell agreed, but said that's why any return to a younger drinking age would have to be matched by aggressive alcohol education. McCardell even supports a license of some sort (that didn't make any sense to me whatsoever).

You get the drift of the debate...

For me, it just comes down to fairness. Choose Responsibility points out that at age 18 in this country, you can fight a war, adopt children, own property, sue or be sued, hold public office, purchase firearms, smoke, gamble, buy lottery tickets, or buy a house. But, you can't have a legal drink. As simplistic as that argument is, it has always worked for me.

The 21-year-old drinking age came about in the 70's when the Congress passed a highway bill that denied any state 10-percent of its share of federal transportation funds unless it changed its drinking age to 21. Naturally, they all did it, because none of them wanted to lose tens of millions of annual dollars for roads. A state could change their law tomorrow, if they wanted to.

In essence, this federal government blackmail took away the states' right to make up their minds based on the will of their citizens. It doesn't sit right with me. If Utah wants to make their drinking age 30 and Louisiana wants to make it 16, then I think that's a discussion for the voters of those states.

By the way, only four nations in the world dictate a 21+ drinking age: the United States, Mongolia, Indonesia and Palau. Good company, huh?

I also believe that the groups that use the emotional pull of drunk driving prevention (that's you, MADD) are completely ignoring the deaths, the sexual assaults, the injuries, and the massive irresponsibility that is resulting from the 21-year-old drinking age. Anyone who works on a campus will tell you that too much time is spent dealing with enforcing the drinking age, and too many scary injuries and deaths are occuring because students who want to drink always find a way and then do it in a dangerous way. Whenever I hear a student getting ready for his or her 21st birthday, my neck muscles tense up, and I beg them to be careful.

MADD and other organizations like theirs seem to think that the lives they save on the roads are a fair trade for these others.

In any case, I encourage you to take a few moments and consider the issue for yourself. I don't normally support too many political action-type organizations, but I sent a check today to Choose Responsibility. I'm the father of a 15-year-old son, and while I'm not eager for him to start drinking, I also would prefer that he enter a world with a lot less reckless abuse of alcohol. I have a difficult time believing that most people who work with college students would disagree with me, but maybe I'm wrong.

The federal highway bill is coming up for reauthorization in 2009, so the timing is right for this issue to be picked up by the media. With all the veterans coming back from the Middle East starting in 2009, I am sure the "can fight the Taliban, but can't have a beer" argument is going to get attention.

The bill needs to be reauthorized with the federal drinking age stipulation removed. Let's let the decisions happen at the state level, where they belong. I'm going to be writing to my Congressional delegation encouraging them to at least give this a fair argument.


Kudos, by the way, to AFA for having the courage to put this on their educational program. I was very impressed that Richard Celeste, former governor of Ohio, former U.S. Ambassador to India, and now president of Colorado College was one of the session participants. He is one of the signers of the Amethyst Initiative.

Greek bystanders

Let's say you have a sister whom you fear is suffering from depression. She's withdrawn from everyone; her entire demeanor is sad and fearful; she isn't taking care of herself; she's missing classes; she's not eating.

Sisters start to notice. "What's going on with her," they ask each other? Concerned conversations become more frequent.

You think to yourself, "God, I really should talk to her." Share your concern, see if you can help.

But then you talk yourself out of it. "Her roommate will say something. Her best friend, (insert name), has probably talked to her. The president will say something." We start reasoning every sister in the chapter who is closer to her, and therefore is more appropriate to say something.

We start convincing ourselves that the best thing we can do is to simply give her some space. Sisters who are closer to her will handle the situation, we silently hope.

Simultaneously, other sisters have the same internal conversation, and no one says a word to the young woman who is suffering. Except perhaps the tactless sister who says, "What's wrong with you?" in an accusatory tone in the bathroom one morning.

***

Let's say you have a brother who has gotten into three fights in the last month, always after parties or trips to bars. He's a fifth-year senior and has a big personality. In the last month, he's had broken lips, a blackened eye, and a dislocated shoulder from fights. He laughs about it, but he looks like hell.

Everyone's a little nervous about it. "What's up with him, lately," the brothers ask each other? Maybe something's going on with his ex-girlfriend, guys wonder. Perhaps he's just cutting loose some since this is his last semester at school. He doesn't seem that drunk when he leaves the parties.

In any case, you worry that he's going to get in one fight too many and end up in the hospital. You think about saying something to him, but you're a sophomore, and sophomores don't really question seniors, particularly about anything related to drinking. You tell yourself, "Well, his best friend (insert name) will say something. The social chair will say something. The risk management chair will say something. Certainly, one of his pledge brothers is on top of the situation."

You keep thinking of other brothers who are closer, or who have more sway over him. You think about how unpleasant the reaction would be if you said anything, and you convince yourself that there are plenty of other brothers better positioned to confront the situation – if indeed it needs confronting at all.

Give him some space. Let him work it out. Something is going on, and the best thing to do is to let him work it out privately, you decide.

Simultaneously, other brothers have the same internal conversation, and no one says a word to the young man who ends up bloodied every weekend. At chapter meeting, your advisor passes by the man and jokingly asks him if he's going as a crime victim for Halloween.

***

Conventional wisdom would tell us that being a member of a fraternity or sorority is a great place to suffer through a personal problem. Surrounded by brothers and sisters who genuinely care about us, there should be plenty of people who will step up, express concern, and get us the help we need.

But, my experience has been that the exact opposite is often true. In situations where more people are present and invested, there's more tendency to assume and hope that another person (other than you) will step up. The more players in a situation, the more the responsibility to act is diffused.

In fraternities and sororities, often, members accept the flawed idea that action is the responsibility of someone in a formal position. The president will do it, the member education chair will do it, the standards board chair will do it, the chapter advisor will do it. Everyone silently hopes that people act based on their job descriptions. Maybe it happens, maybe it doesn't.

Meanwhile, everyone looks at each other, observes a brother or sister in crisis, and does nothing. We are paralyzed because we are a big caring group. There's baggage. There's fear of alienating a friend. There's worry that there's a big terrible situation lurking behind the damaging behavior that you don't want to know about.

It's easier to hope that the situation will work itself out, magically, than to take action and talk to the brother or sister. The fear of "the talk" going badly outweighs the sense of obligation to do something.

***

Many of you have started new member education. This discussion is an important one to have. When is it time to stop thinking like a fraternity and start acting like a brother? When is it time to stop thinking like a sorority, and start acting like a sister?

Are we the type of group where brothers and sisters can feel safe expressing concern for one another – even in the toughest or scariest situations – without retribution? Is it OK for a young member or a new member to express concern for an older member?

Is it the responsibility of every brother or every sister to act when they think someone is in danger? Are we acting on that currently, or are we a bunch of bystanders? How should you confront a brother or sister you are worried about?

Frankly, I think this is the single most critical discussion you can have with your new members. Bring in older members who have gone through tough situations, and have them share how grateful they were when brothers or sisters stepped up. Give your new members permission and the expectation that being a brother or a sister means more than being a passive bystander.

And then, remind your brothers and sisters of the section of your ritual that talks about caring for a brother or sister in need.

I wonder who owns NACAsucks.com?

Just got a press release from the publisher of Campus Activities Magazine. The publishers of the magazine and Eric Lambert, owner of the Association for the Promotion of Campus Activities (APCA), are suing the National Association for Campus Activities (NACA).

As you'll see from the press release, CAM and APCA are going after NACA for allegedly engaging in some tacky and juvenile business practices. Not sure if this is all true, but if it is, it makes NACA look pretty stupid.

Read the press release, and then I have a few comments at the end.


--------------------

For Immediate Release:
Campus Activities® Magazine and APCA File Suit Against NACA


When I first got wind of the fact that NACA had purchased such derogatory web domains such as apcasucks.com, I just knew it had to be a mistake. After all, I spent eleven years with NACA and certainly had kicked around some foolish ideas during my tenure, but nothing so demeaning as purchasing domains that had reference to a competitor and then directing them to their (NACA’s) website.

Obviously everything hit the fan around the time of the NACA National last year when this news came out. Both schools and agencies were angry that a national association with such a long history in the entertainment marketplace would stoop to such low tactics.

Personally, I didn’t believe it and I notified our national advisory board members, our student ambassadors and NACA board chair, Jon Dooley of Marquette University, that we would not get involved in an incident I felt sure the staff, the executive director and the board would not have had a part in. I decided to back out to wait and see what would transpire.

Then came Alan Davis’ email to the NACA volunteers. “The ownership of apcasucks.com and ihateapca.com expired on February 11, before the National Convention, and we did not repurchase those names at that time … I regret the controversy that has developed regarding this situation, and I appreciate those of you who have contacted our office directly with questions and concerns. Our intention was not, and is not, to embarrass APCA and any other organizations … NACA maintains its position as a professional association dedicated to advancing activities in higher education. I greatly appreciate the dedication of NACA’s membership and volunteers and want to assure you of our commitment to operate in a manner that is consistent with our core values, which include high ethical standards.”

Obviously it is APCA’s position that Alan Davis and the NACA staff would have had no intention of taking down these web sites if they had not been caught red handed. Also Davis’ apology was not directed at APCA but at the NACA volunteers who were not hurt by the unethical antics.

Now, where Campus Activities® Magazine fits into all of this.

I had several conversations with Eric Lambert after this situation was discovered, and of course he was upset and angry that NACA would stoop to such a deceptive way to lure customers away from his organization. Even though NACA assured their membership they were finished with the underhanded and illegal practices of using competitors’ trade names to redirect traffic to their site, Eric’s research had come across the following: campusactivitiesmagazine.net; campusactivitiesmagazine.org; campusactivitiesmagazine.biz; campusactivitiesmagazine.us; campusactivitiesmagazine.ws; and campusactivitiesmagazine.info; ALL of which have been and of this writing are still being intentionally re-directed to NACA.org.

I was astounded. They had not only been caught with their hands in the cookie jar but having been slapped, they continued to steal the cookies. Campus Activities® Magazine is a registered trademark of SES, Inc. dba as Cameo Publishing Group. NACA has violated both state and federal statutes above and beyond the offenses they were guilty of with APCA because they violated a registered trademark.

I want our readers to know that in this case we have no choice but to pursue suit in this act and will ask for punitive damages as well. We have and continue to spend countless man hours and dollars on our website to compete with an organization who has virtually endless resources. We have offered the “Olive Branch” on numerous occasions in a request to set aside our differences and work together in the best interest of the campus entertainment community. They have been offered the opportunity through us to expand their exposure to all of America’s campuses active in purchasing entertainment and related programs. They had everything to gain and nothing to lose, but instead they chose to try to tie into our success by pilfering from our prospective client pool.

Regardless of the position NACA takes, these were purposeful acts and highly unethical for an organization which has had such a great history in the campus market. What could they have possibly been thinking? What could have made them so desperate to turn to such low brow activities?

I have been in this business for 28 years now, 11 with NACA and 17 with Campus Activities® Magazine. I am proud of my association with the campus market and all the excellent student activities programs, agencies and talented artists who make up this industry. It hurts me deeply to have to fill a column I enjoy writing each issue with news that tends to pull us apart rather than bringing us together. But Campus Activities® Magazine has always been my baby. It was our first magazine and the one we remain the most proud of. It allows us a chance to bring buyers and sellers together in a market that is filled with diversity and new opportunities. It is my obligation to protect its reputation and its future. For sixteen years, we have been the number one campus entertainment trade publication in the world and I have to think it is because we listen to our readers and make every effort to deliver what they want.

Sincerely,
W.C. Kirby
Owner / Publisher
803.712.1429
Kirby@cameopublishing.com

-------------------------

I am sharing this here because it's worthwhile for those of you in campus programming to know about the ongoing dispute.

In the interest of full disclosure... My company is an associate member of NACA. We don't participate in many NACA events because we don't feel NACA is a great place to promote educational speakers, and because NACA is incredibly expensive. Their ads, their exhibit prices, their membership – everything is exorbitantly priced for those of us running small businesses, and it's very hard to get a good return on the sizeable investment that NACA requires. But, we're a member, because we get some benefit from their mailing lists and occasionally, one of our speakers wants to attend a conference they sponsor.

We are occasional advertisers in Campus Activities Magazine, and we have won their "Agency of the Year" and "Speaker of the Year" awards several times in the last five years.

We are former members of APCA, but stopped our membership and attendance at their conferences several years ago because, like NACA, we weren't getting a positive return on our investment there.

If NACA staff members are spending their time trying to undermine these small businesses, then it's safe to assume that CAM and APCA are taking a bite out of their bottom line and they are feeling threatened. CAM and APCA are alleging that NACA is engaging in unethical activities to try to undermine them.

Imagine your local Walmart launching a covert campaign to drive a small boutique hardware store in your town out of business. That's kind of what this is like, if it's true. I'm bothered that an organization (NACA) which basically exists on the fees paid by small businesses like mine is spending its resources attacking other small businesses. Certainly if there is room in the industry for so many agencies, speakers and performers, there is room in the industry for more than one organization serving them.

My advice to NACA is this. In business, you deal with competition by providing a higher quality product than your competitor. Customers usually follow. With its massive resources, volunteer network, and established brand, NACA would do better to strategically improve its product, rather than going after the competitors nipping at their heels. If NACA improves its magazine, the ad dollars will come. If NACA makes its conferences more affordable, the attendees and the exhibitors will come.

It will be interesting to see how this all plays out.

You just came out on Facebook, no wait...

I have a lot of gay fraternity men on my Facebook friends list. Well, not really. Sure, their profiles say they are interested in men, list their boyfriends, and list things like shaving their chests, wearing Speedos, and listening to Coldplay in their activities. But these seemingly gay men are really just victims of their brothers' teasing.

There's a new prank that is rampant on Facebook. Find one of your friends or fraternity brothers who has left his computer logged on to his Facebook account, and go in and change all his personal information to reflect homosexual orientation. Not a nudist, or a porn star, or a Republican (that would be funny), but a homosexual. Really original, and completely hysterical, right?

One of my students at Colorado State (let's call him Mark) was the first victim I noticed. When I saw the changes of status, I thought, "Well, good for Mark." Like a dumb ass, I sent him an encouraging message.

Since then, I've seen it on about a dozen profiles linked to me. It's all over the country. I frequently laugh at the creativity and depravity. Frankly, I wish my life were as gay as some of the profiles I've been reading!

But, what bugs me is that fraternity men who might be coping with sexual orientation issues once again get the message that their situation is a source of ridicule. What comes off as a silly, harmless prank to most fraternity men is truly chilling for that man who is contemplating coming out to his brothers, his family, or other friends. If "liking other guys" is the best way you can think of to humiliate and poke fun at your brothers, then why should I trust that I would be treated with respect and dignity by you if being gay is my reality?

I had a chance to do a member review at Mark's chapter shortly after the prank, and I asked the man who made the profile changes if he thought that a brother who was really coming out would feel supported and welcome in his chapter? He said yes, of course. Who wants to admit they are homophobic and insensitive?

But since the incident, the pranks continue. Just today, I noticed one man posting on the other's wall, "You look especially gay in your profile picture." I literally can't wait until one of the men in the chapter stands up and tells his brothers he's sick of the jokes and that he's bringing his boyfriend to formal. Can't wait.

Our greatest patriotic obligation and honor

Theta Chi's fraternity blog, The National Eagle, has a story this week about one of their members who recently died in a roadside bomb attack in Afganistan. Major Jeffrey Calero, 34, was a member of Theta Chi from Rensselaer Polytechnic where he studied engineering. He was also a Green Beret.

That's Major Calero in the picture. He was promoted to the position of Major posthumously. He had turned down promotions twice because he wanted to stay with his unit. He was born in Puerto Rico and was raised in Queens, NY. He died in a town called Kajaki in Southern Afganistan.

I want to take a moment on this blog and thank Theta Chi for posting this kind of story. It really surprises me how little the average citizen thinks about the men and women serving in hostile territories overseas – especially this time of year as we bounce between Christmas parties and door-buster sales at the mall.

I have a few fraternity brothers currently serving. The two closest to me, Bret and Michael, are serving in non-military capacities as contractors on special assignment. Bret was a student who I advised some 18 years ago, and he is helping the Afgani government set up their public defender system. Michael is one of my favorite people on the planet – the sweetest Marine I know. He is doing something more covert and spy-like, and he's much closer to the dangerous action. I worry about both of them frequently.

We're five years into this military action in Iraq and Afganistan. As of my writing, we have lost 3,876 military personnel. This number does not include contractors like Bret and Michael, or the thousands of citizens of those countries who have died.

Every time I see a story like the one on Theta Chi's blog, or in my local newspaper about a veteran in rehab from injuries sustained in a bomb attack, I realize that the impact on our society is going to be huge for decades. Recent stories about homelessness have indicated that more than 400 veterans from Afganistan and Iraq are already among the homeless in our country, and we face a crisis of homeless and mentally ill veterans in the decades to come. It's important that we all begin the work now of helping the men and women who answered this call – regardless of how we personally feel about the politics that sent them there.

This holiday season, I urge you to do SOMETHING to honor those serving. Make a gift to a local veterans charity. Call your fraternity headquarters and get a list of brothers or sisters serving in Iraq or Afganistan and send them something to let them know you care. Organize a volunteer effort that gets students from your campus interacting with disabled vets getting care at your local V.A. hospital.

Get active on some of the issues facing veterans. If you need a place to start, click here to learn about the biggest issues facing vets.

Is your campus prepared for the veterans who are coming back? Are there mental health services specifically for students who are vets? How accessible are your residence halls for vets with disabilities? Is there a student organization on your campus for students who are vets? Has your student affairs staff ever spent an hour or two discussing how to serve these special students?

Operation Homefront is one of my favorite organizations helping veterans families. Think about making a contribution. I'm also a fan of the National Military Families Association which recently ranked as one of the top four veterans charities by Charity Watch.

It's our moral responsibility to take care of our veterans. Whether it's remembering them, assisting them, or lobbying for them, taking care of them is our greatest patriotic obligation and honor.

Have we gotten a bit too casual about our t-shirts?

I've pretty much grown immune to Greek t-shirts that reference drugs, alcohol, and/or sex. After a couple of decades, I'm used to it, and it takes something pretty raunchy to even catch my notice.

The t-shirt in the picture is a pretty harmless example of the average Greek t-shirt I see out there. This one was for a fraternity philanthropy to raise money to fight ALS that involved swingsets. "Go High or Go Home" was the theme, and there you see a young man and woman in their swings. Of course, once you realize the date of the event is 4/20, going "high" takes on a special meaning. Clever fraternity men!

This shirt is very tame, as far as Greek t-shirts go. But since it's National Alcohol Awareness Week, the shirt reminded me how casual we've become about associating our letters with drugs and alcohol. We think it's cute and harmless. We chuckle. I bet the designers of this shirt didn't think that anyone over age 25 would get the "4-20" reference.

Swing high for ALS, my friends, but then I'm assuming that your chapter enjoys the weed. Use an alcohol reference for your recruitment t-shirt, and I assume your brotherhood is full of drunks.

Your t-shirts are the basis of your community reputation. When I see a sorority woman wearing a t-shirt that demeans women, fairly or unfairly, I make assumptions about that woman's self esteem.

Is there something we can do – short of enacting yet another policy – that discourages this sort of thing? It seems to me to be one of the simplest steps we can take to clean up our image in our campus communities.

Reconsider that Halloween costume idea

Halloween is coming, and all over the U.S., clueless students will go out in public with racially or culturally insensitive costumes to mark the occasion. Watch for the Facebook pictures beginning October 28. Someone will dress in blackface. White boys will don turbans and dress as "terrorists."

I'm actually looking forward to the gay Dumbledore outfits. I might do that one myself.

So, now would be a good time to approach your student newspaper and do a preemptive article encouraging students to avoid costumes that play to stereotypes. Have your fraternity and sorority leaders make announcements this week at their meetings that culturally offensive costumes will not be permitted at any Halloween-themed events. That sort of thing.

Inevitably, we will see articles in the national press the week of and the week after Halloween about some stupid guys dressed as the "Jena 6" with nooses. It's coming; mark my words. Or maybe some group of geniuses will dress up with "nappy headed" afro wigs and Rutgers jerseys. This will be followed by on campus demonstrations and claims by the young men that they were just trying to be funny. Unsuccessfully.

Halloween is a fun time, but the fun gets sucked out of it when people offend others with (what they believe to be) clever costume ideas. Spread the word now that people should avoid the temptation. We live in a world where photos fly around the nation on the Internet in minutes. You don't want your friends spending November receiving death threats and hate mail.

Personally, I'm off to Toys 'R Us to buy four baby dolls and four baby carriers. I'm going as Kevin Federline this year.

National Hazing Prevention Week begins today

NHPW begins today, so a few random thoughts that I want to share about hazing and why I am personally committed to fighting it.

- Hazing teaches people that humiliation and exclusion are acceptable behavior. We live in a world where violence, hatred, terror and fear cost lives every day. It may seem dramatic, but I think hazing is a form of terrorism.

- Hazing divides a team or a chapter into classes instead of unifying the whole group under a common set of goals or values.

- Any-20 year-old who thinks he is capable or qualified to induce psychological trauma of any kind on a 19-year-old is both a sadist and a naive idiot. What training did YOU receive that qualifies you to "break someone down" and then "build them back up?"

- Hazing is a terrible way to tell someone that they are cared about, that they belong, that they are valued, that they matter. In fact, hazing communicates the opposite. Even when someone feels good about having survived hazing, they innately believe they are unworthy, and that encourages them to haze the next group -- to continue to prove their value.

- When you haze someone, you have no idea what buttons you are pushing. What childhood trauma does this person have that your hazing is agitating? Childhood sexual abuse, neglect, victimization, drug abuse, eating disorder, PTSD? As a hazer, are you prepared to take responsibility for the psychological damage you might induce with your "harmless" activities?

- Hazing is lazy. It's much harder to build loyalty around positive activities.

- Hazing keeps amazing people from joining our organizations. How many people have said NO to our organizations because they were afraid of being hazed?

- Hazing gives bullies a purpose in college. Who will they go on to intimidate after college? How will they treat their children?

- Every year, people die from hazing on college campuses.

This year, do something to help fight the acceptance of hazing on your campus. Stand up against it, change harmful traditions, tell people it's simply not right. Visit HazingPrevention.org or NHPW.com for resources. If your campus isn't doing anything for National Hazing Prevention Week, ask your greek advisor or your director of student activities "why not" and make it a priority next year.

Barnes & Noble is partially pregnant

Barnes & Noble is getting positive press this week about their decision not to carry the upcoming O.J. Simpson book, If I Did It, in their stores. Victims advocates are praising the decision. BUT, Barnes & Noble is going to sell it by special order and online on their website.

So, basically, they ARE selling it. They are fine with making the money on it, they just don't want to upset the upper-middle class customers that frequent their stores. Probably a brilliant business decision, but what kind of message does this send about the ethics of the company?

From CNN:

NEW YORK—If you're hoping to buy the new edition of O.J. Simpson's "If I Did It," don't expect to find a copy at Barnes & Noble. Citing a perceived lack of customer interest, the chain said the book would only be available by special order or for purchase online through Barnes & Noble.com.

"Our buyers don't feel there will be enough of a demand to carry it in our stores," Barnes & Noble spokeswoman Mary Ellen Keating told The Associated Press on Tuesday.

A rival chain, Borders Group Inc., said Tuesday that it would stock "If I Did It," a ghostwritten, fictionalized account of the murders of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman. But spokeswoman Ann Binkley said Borders "will not promote or market the book in any way."

"We think it will have some interest in the first week or two, then die down," said Binkley, who added that Borders, which for the original book had planned to donate profits to charity, will not do so this time.

Simpson's book was first scheduled for publication last November by ReganBooks, an imprint of HarperCollins, with an announced printing of 400,000. But "If I Did It" was dropped in response to widespread outrage. ReganBooks founder Judith Regan was later fired and her imprint disbanded.

"It is Barnes & Noble's decision, not my decision, and the marketplace will determine whether they are right or not," Eric Kampmann, the owner and president of Beaufort Books, the new publisher of "If I Did It," told the AP. "But I think it's sad if they're making their decision based on the HarperCollins experience, which was a totally different situation."

Last month, a federal bankruptcy judge awarded rights to the book to Goldman's family to help satisfy a $38 million wrongful death judgment against Simpson.

Beaufort, a small New York-based publisher, is reissuing "If I Did It" in October, with Simpson's original manuscript intact and commentary included. The Goldman family is calling the book Simpson's confession—the same description Regan offered in justifying the original publication.

"If I Did It" is still being criticized, even if Simpson is not profiting from it. Denise Brown, Nicole Brown Simpson's sister, has accused Goldman's father, Fred Goldman, and other family members of hypocrisy for publishing a book that he had called "disgusting and despicable" when Simpson first planned to publish it.

Simpson has maintained his innocence in the 1994 killings in the Brentwood section of Los Angeles. The former actor and football great, who now lives near Miami, was acquitted of murder in 1995.

Frankly, I would have admired B&N more if they either decided to sell it ("Free speech rules, even if it's offensive!") or decided not to sell it ("We're not going to give this killer a platform!"). Choosing one way or another would have indicated a values based decision.

Borders made a values based decision to sell, and that's their right. But, this half-assed approach taken by Barnes & Noble shows the company trying to have it both ways.

Like my mentor says, "You can't be kinda pregnant."