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When two brothers, sisters, or same-gender members enter into a romantic relationship of any sort within the context of their organization, I believe it is the organization's obligation to treat them fairly. These relationships are going to happen – it's to be expected. Though it might make some other members uncomfortable, those two members have the same right as anyone else to enter into a positive, consenting relationship.
It really only becomes a problem when those two people start making the dynamics of their personal relationship everyone else's problem (see part one). With that said, it's time now to speak directly to the individuals involved in the relationship. For purposes of simplicity, I'm going to write this to two hypothetical fraternity men from the same chapter. I trust you can extrapolate to other similar situations.
Dear Brothers Sleeping Together,
Are you sure you can handle this? There's no such thing as a casual relationship in the context of an established group. This is going to be the most complicated relationship you've ever been a part of. The "difficulty rating" is high, and if this thing is going to turn out well, you are both going to have to be smart about it.
Here's some advice...
Be Understanding. Think how long it's taken you to come to a place where you're comfortable with your sexuality... now be sensitive to the fact that this might be the very first time many of your brothers have been anywhere near a gay relationship. Give them some time to adjust. They have fears and concerns, and that doesn't mean they are necessarily homophobic. If you expect everyone to embrace your relationship immediately, you're delusional. Some brothers will support and encourage you, some will be quietly uncertain, and some will visibly dislike the idea. You deserve to be treated respectfully, but your brothers don't owe you an endorsement. Don't ask for it. Seek validation from each other, not from your brothers.
Set a positive example. You didn't enter into this thing intending to give a big group lesson on gay relationships, but you have to understand that you've brought this issue into the family context of your fraternity. People are going to want to talk about it, in front of you and behind your back. You have to be OK with that. How you two behave will have a big impact on how brothers view future gay relationships they encounter. When others see that your relationship is no different from theirs, you make it better for the brothers who find themselves in this situation next year, or the year after. Perhaps this little bit of extra pressure is a good thing, because it gives you the additional motivation to approach your relationship carefully and respectfully.
Be in it for each other. In a relationship, you need to focus on the other person. That's where your attention should be. Enjoy each other. Spend time together. All the fun stuff about being with someone new will be better when it's shared privately. Get away from the watching eyes of your brothers as much as you can, not because you have to, but because you want the time to focus on each other. I would give this same advice to heterosexuals, by the way. Too many brothers enjoy putting their romance on display for their brothers, which cheapens their relationship in my opinion.
Be discreet. You don't need to live out every little drama in front of everyone. Your relationship isn't an official chapter function, so don't treat it like one. That includes what you post on social networking sites. If you feel compelled to change your relationship status on Facebook, that's one thing, but I don't recommend you putting "Jason rocked my world all night last night" on your status update. You don't need to lie about your relationship, but it doesn't need to be an embarrassing reality show either. Discretion is a dying art, and believe me, a little bit in this situation will go a long way. By the same token...
Demand privacy. If you're being discreet and private, you have a fair expectation that your relationship is not an agenda item at this week's chapter meeting. If brothers are acting inappropriately by making jokes or making your relationship chapter business, you should confront that. You should remind them that your relationship is a private matter and that if they have concerns, they should speak with you directly in a private setting. If you're being harassed at any point, stand up for yourself and demand that the leaders of your chapter step in to stop the foolishness.
Get on the same page. What are the rules going to be? Are you going to the formal together at some point? Who's sleeping where? Talk about these things now. If you're putting your fraternity brother roommate in an awkward situation, that's not a good idea. It would also be very smart to discuss an "exit strategy" if things don't end up well. Can you both agree to return to the status of just brothers in a respectful way if things don't work out? This isn't just some guy you're dating – the last thing you want is a bunch of bitterness tarnishing the remainder of your college fraternity experience.
Respect some barriers. If you serve in a leadership position in your chapter, you need to do your job and not let this relationship affect your duties. If your feelings for your partner affect your ability to be a good, contributing brother, you're going to have problems. Imagine you were at a job... would you be acting all lovey-dovey in the office? Probably not. Same goes for fraternity. When you're in a fraternal context, be a brother. When you're in the context of your relationship, be a boyfriend. If you're smart, you'll know the difference.
Here's my final word. Sometimes, we don't treat each other very nicely when relationships get tough. We cheat. We say unkind things. We tear down the other person with our attitude, our actions, and our words. Try to remember that you made a promise to this man long before you became intimate.
You said that you'd be lifelong brothers, and that promise means something.
