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I am an answers guy. I like to solve problems. Like many of you, I'm the guy who steps up with solutions. I have gotten to where I am by being the guy who takes a challenge and meets it. When someone complains, my first instinct is to brainstorm possibilities.
No problem is unsolvable! Cue the Superman music.
The bad part of being that kind of person, however, is that people love to lay their problems at your feet. The complainers, the whiners, the helpless incompetents – you are their best friend. When their love life is a disaster, you provide good ideas for fixing things. When they haven't done an adequate job on a task, you pull a last-minute solution that saves their ass. When things are hard, you are willing to get in there and help them manage.
These "dump trucks" come to you to fix things. They come because you kick them into gear. They come to you because "you always know just what to do."
And, it's exhausting.
If you don't figure out a way to repel some of this problem dumping behavior, you're going to spend the rest of your life solving other people's issues, taking on their stress, and sharing responsibility for their failures. One of the toughest things I've had to learn to do is to simply hold back on the impulse to help the dump trucks in my life. The minute someone complains about something, my brain goes into turbo autopilot. Left to my natural devices, I would start developing an action plan with them before they finish their sentence.
It takes all of my willpower to keep my mouth shut and simply say...
Hmm. I don't know. What do you think you should do?
As an experiment, try it for a week (or a month!). When a dump truck complains, or is worried about something, or has her weekly crisis, ask her a bunch of questions.
What ideas have you thought of?
What solutions have you ruled out?
So, what choices does that leave you?
What do you think should be done first?
What's your best idea for how to move forward?
When you try this out, you will find that people fall into a couple of different categories.
There are those dump trucks who can keep control of their payload. These are the ones who actually have an idea they want to knock around and who probably just need validation. They have ideas, and they're just afraid to be wrong. Or, they are missing something, and they feel unsure. When you ask them "What do you think?" they will venture a tentative answer. We like these people because they actually have put some thought into a problem before dropping it at our toes. For these people, a little encouragement, validation, or a conversation to flush out a solution is all they need.
It's the second group of dump trucks you need to worry about – those who give you a blank stare. These people are dumping their payload at your feet before you even know what's in the truck. Their idea of searching for a solution is to simply dump it on you and make you a party to the problem. They throw their hands in the air and act like the whole world is hopeless.
Just say, "Hmm. I don't know. What do you think?"
And that's all you give them. No dumping here, damn it! The really persistent ones will reply with, "I don't know what to think. That's why I came to you."
Hold your ground, even though your problem-solving brain is throwing a million good ideas at the inside of your mouth. Hold back. Don't solve their problem. They won't love you more for solving their problem.
"I have no idea either. That's a tough one," you'll say. "I'll think about it. Let me know when you get some ideas and we'll bat them around."
The person will probably be annoyed, ask why you aren't being helpful, and then they'll drive their dump truck to someone else's house. Worst case scenario: they stop dumping their problems on you and dump them on others. Best case scenario: they take more responsibility for solving their own problems.
When people are asked to take responsibility for solving problems themselves (with you just offering some encouragement), then they stop making their problems your problems. When you can help people do that, you've truly achieved a student leadership milestone.
