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We're getting to the point in the semester where speakers have been on the road for two months and are starting to have mental issues similar to that of the most unstable postal workers. So, if you have a flight in the next six weeks, you've been warned. David flies United and US Airways a lot, so you might want to look into booking on Delta.
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by David Stollman
I have decided to inform the world how they can stop pissing me off while joining me in flying around the country. Ten requests.
1. Realize that the laws of physics still apply to airplane overhead bins. Do you have some sort of shrinking charm that makes you think your bag will magically fit in there?! Are you Harry Freaking Potter?!
2. Walking in airports is governed by the rules as driving. Stay to the right. DO NOT just STOP in the middle of the damn walkway to hang out or to look through your bag. Pull over bitch!
3. In case you are too stupid to realize, let me explain. The tray table and back of the seat in front of you is attached… to ME! Quit banging! Stop pulling on my headrest to stand up and pushing on it to sit down. There are armrests for that! I am riding in a plane not on a damn mechanical bull!!
4. Shut the hell up. Most people work hard and fly to get there and back. That means they need to work or sleep on flights. No one wants to hear your damn conversation. Not even the person you are talking to. So only speak in low tones if ever. And NEVER talk on a flight before 9am. Some people got up yesterday to get there early enough. Shut up and let them sleep.
5. Airlines are evil. All of them. Get used to it. Quit being shocked when they crap all over you. Learn the system, know your rights and push back or shut the hell up. You look stupid and waste my time when I am in line behind while you yell about a snowstorm making you late for Aunt Edna’s retirement party.
6. If you can’t learn how to pack, then you will be checking your luggage and will have to pay for it. Shut up and deal with it. You want to bring 5 pairs of shoes for one weekend, well you just paid a "stupidity tax." Tough.
7. Don’t fart on my freaking plane! Unfortunately airlines aren’t nice enough to pass out Beano with their drink service. But until they do, squeeze those cheeks. I don’t want to be stewing in your fumes for two hours. Hell YOU don’t even want to be stewing in them for two hours. Learn what food makes you fart and DO NOT EAT IT BEFORE YOU FLY.
8. I don’t care how badly the airline screwed you over so stop trying to tell me. No matter how bad your story is mine is worse. They keyed my car, punched my mother, pissed in my coffee and send my luggage to Anchorage. What in the world makes you think I am sitting in 5C waiting for you to vent to me. Shut it.
9. If you can’t carry your luggage through the aisle of the plane without hitting me you have to check it. And if you are too stupid to realize that backpacks change your general surface area then you are too stupid to leave your house. Seriously, you know how narrow that aisle is! If you hit me with your backpack when you turn around to ask your homey for some granola again I am going to shove it up your ass.
10. Speaking of that, get your ASS out of my face too. When you stand in the aisle and bend over to the side, your ass is in my face! Bend with your damn knees or I am going to stand up and rodeo smack you like a porn star.
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David is still available for Spring '09 bookings and promises to be very nice after navigating the friendly skies to your lovely city or town.
