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One of my interns admitted to me recently that prior to coming to work for me, she said the word "gay" a lot. As in, "That's so gay." Like most people who say it, she didn't mean it in the literal sense of "homosexual." She didn't mean it as a slur on people with a non-heterosexual orientation. She meant it as weird, bizarre, or gross.
Everybody said it. It was part of common usage. It was just a word. So, she said it, too.
Knowing she was coming to Denver to work for a gay guy, her boyfriend commented, "Well, I guess you need to quit saying that, huh?"
October 11 is National Coming Out Day, and people sometimes ask me why there needs to be such a day. There are gay, lesbian, and bisexual television characters on all the popular shows. A gay Congressman has been on TV all week promoting the Wall Street Bailout. Everybody seems to have gay friends. Coming out, it seems, has never been easier.
But, dig deeper and you'll see that getting to a place of positive self-esteem for most gay and lesbian people is still a very difficult journey. I don't care how many episodes of Will & Grace your mother has seen, telling her you're gay is still very intimidating. None of us likes to break our mom's heart, even if we believe she'll eventually come around to embrace us as we are. It's still hard for many people to figure out how they'll be able to keep God in their life. It's hard to imagine how you'll ever be a parent.
It's still very hard to worry about friends rejecting you – even the ones who say "gay" all the time and mean no harm.
It's important that we all take a step back and remember how tough it is for young people of all shapes, sizes, colors, and religions to figure this puzzle out. We need to work a little harder to send the message that everyone deserves love, and self-esteem, and the ability to live a life where one's heart and one's mind operate harmoniously.
I have a friend who only came out about two years ago, in his 40's. During a recent hospital stay, his partner was embraced by his family and included in all the medical decisions. National Coming Out Day matters to him.
I know a young woman who struggles to deal with her sexual orientation because she worries about being rejected by her fundamentalist family and home community. She spends inordinate amounts of time on the Internet, reading and searching for something that will give her hope that she won't be rejected by everyone she knows. National Coming Out Day matters to her, because she'll probably still be deeply closeted when it's over.
October 12 is the 10th anniversary of Matthew Shepard's death. He was "out" on his campus, was a member of his GLBT student organization, and by all accounts, liked himself pretty well. Yet, he was victimized and left for dead, tied to a fence in rural Wyoming. Trust me, National Coming Out Day matters to his mom, Judy.
And, National Coming Out Day matters to me. I don't expect everyone who has yet to publicly self-identify as gay, lesbian, or bisexual to run down the quad waving a rainbow flag. For me, it's not about making some big show and daring people to accept you. For me, it's not even an observance for gay people.
For me, National Coming Out Day needs to be about straight people sending a message of acceptance and support so that the young man or woman in their life who is fighting the battle against fear can see supportive messages that they need so badly. Coming out requires courage, and some people need a little bit of that courage to come from you.
If you're reading this on Facebook, I encourage you to set your status to something supportive in the next two weeks. "Joe loves his gay friends" or "Kelly wants her sisters to know that it's safe to come talk to her." You never know if one of your friends really needs that kind of message.
If you are gay or lesbian, and a user of Facebook or MySpace, challenge your own fear and change that profile setting to an "Interested in" that reflects who you truly are.
And if you hear someone say the word "gay" as a synonym for "stupid," challenge it. Every time we use our words carelessly, we send a message that there is reason to fear, to hide, to be ashamed.
National Coming Out Day matters, but what matters more is the individual commitment each of us makes to promoting human dignity and respect, regardless of your personal sexual orientation.
