The easiest way to make someone feel important

I have a teenage son, and navigating the ever-changing norms of that relationship is a constant challenge. Can I ask about the girlfriend, or can't I? Do I praise the B on the test, or ask if he is disappointed? It never ends, and I seldom get things just right.

When you have a teenager, the most precious resource is his undivided attention, and you never get it. The iPod, the PSP, the cell phone – they all outrank me.

Yesterday, I drove him to school. He normally takes public transportation, so this was an unusual morning where we had 15 minutes together in the car for some real conversation. It didn't have to be anything serious or deeply meaningful, but I was excited about it.

We were barely out of the driveway when he began texting his girlfriend. I'd ask him a question, and he wouldn't hear me. I finally asked if he would put the phone away so we could talk. Competing for attention with a teenage boy's girlfriend is a sad and desperate battle, but I loaded my guns.

"What's so important?" he asked with a tone. "Nothing in particular," I said. "It would just be nice if you could put the phone away and focus on me for the next 15 minutes. You can focus on her the rest of the day."

He did well for almost a mile, but the vibrating in his pocket was too much to bear. "Don't do it," I said to him as I saw his hand move toward his pocket. He resisted, and resisted, and then had to look. "Two seconds, Dad," he said as his fingers began their task.

Then, I did something very mature. I just shut down and didn't talk to him the rest of the way to school. I was annoyed because he had made me feel unimportant. All I wanted was his undivided attention for a couple of minutes, and he absolutely could not provide it.

Why am I writing about this on my student leadership blog? Because I believe that giving someone your undivided attention has become the most rare and glorious form of respect. Have you ever been talking to someone at a bar or party, thinking you're making a connection, and they are busy looking over your shoulder at everyone else? You know how crappy that makes you feel? Don't be that person. Focus on who's in front of you.

And, let me be clear... it's not just the young people with their constant addiction to glancing at their phones. Us "old folks" are getting just as bad.

The other day, I was on a short phone call with a colleague who works in a busy student affairs office. He called me to set up a speaker, but about 20 seconds after we started talking, he said, "Hold on." I could then hear him shouting to someone in his office and laughing. I can't recount exactly what he said, but as I sat on the other side of the line ignored, I remember thinking, "Wow, that sounded critical." Remember – he called me. For a good 15 seconds, I'm sitting there, waiting for him to focus on the call that he just made.

Put the phone in your pocket. Close the door. Draw the blinds. Put the barriers up so that your cluttered, over-active, attention deficit disordered brain can give the person in front of you your undivided attention for two minutes. Or ten, or 15. Whatever's appropriate.

This holiday, you will probably be home with your family. Lay off the Facebook. Put the cell phone in your room instead of your pocket. Make a conscious decision to give your family and friends the one gift that will truly make them feel special... your undivided attention.

The answer to Greek morale and unity lies in supporting small events

If you find your fraternity and sorority community continually struggling with member morale, junior and senior attrition, and a lack of Greek unity, there is something you can do. But, it's going to require a major change in how your community does business.

Many fraternity and sorority chapters, and their council communities, remain focused on doing huge events targeted to all of their members – large scale service events, big step shows, "sing" competitions, Greek Weeks. While these appeal to many (and in many cases can be a lot of fun), they don't appeal to all members, particularly for upperclassmen who have already done them more than once.

These people who don't get all jazzed up by a third year of "Greek Sing" wander away from your Greek community in search of something that fits them.

Here's what I suggest you do. This year, take a portion of your budget and invite small interest groups to apply for funding for special interest activities that will be open to all fraternity and sorority members. Maybe some Greeks will be interested in planning a small live music coffeehouse event for those members who love acoustic music. Perhaps a group will want to do an interfraternal rock-climbing trip for the outdoor enthusiasts. Whatever your members get excited about, invite them to create an avenue within your Greek community – everything from ice carving to environmentalism to book clubs.

But wait... all of this is available on our campus through other organizations. Why should we fund these niche interests within our Greek community? Because fraternity and sorority members who find these special connections within your community will STAY in your community and increase their commitment to it.

I recently came across an example of how enabling smaller, niche interests can have a powerful impact on a Greek community.

Many fraternity and sorority members at Gannon University in Northwest Pennsylvania desired a stronger connection with other Greeks who shared a strong commitment to their Christian faith. Some of these leaders recently started "LETtERS," a group open to all fraternity and sorority members seeking Christian fellowship.

It's not a Bible study, said Jackie Oesmann, a member of Alpha Sigma Tau and the Panhellenic Vice President of Public Relations. It's more of a discussion group. Recently, the members watched a clip from the movie "Elf" and used it as a discussion starter about finding your place in a group where you sometimes don't feel like you belong. It usually winds back to some relevant scripture readings. Sometimes, they even sing. Mostly, it's about giving fraternity and sorority members a safe place to share and enjoy their Christian interests.

"I think that overall, even though we've only had a few meetings, the group is a great new thing for the community and has a lot of potential," Jackie said. "Our councils ahve been working hard to promote Greek unity this year, and having people come together in a group like this definitely helps that."

Her campus offers six other faith-sharing groups, but the Greeks weren't participating, she said. "The solution was to create our own group where we could discuss things relating specifically to issues we deal with as Greeks."

Six other faith-based groups in their small campus community should have been enough, you might think. But, when an opportunity was created within their own Greek community, these fraternity and sorority members at Gannon became energized.

Imagine a dozen or so special interest "clubs" existing within your Greek community. Imagine four dozen. Imagine Greeks from all different sorts of chapters building relationships across chapter boundaries around shared interests. Imagine your members placing a higher value on their memberships because their personal needs are being met in a more meaningful way.

Imagine all the good that could come from that.

A Tale of Five Dinners

As a professional campus speaker, I am frequently asked to a dinner before or after my keynotes. Sometimes these are fun, rewarding experiences, with lots of laughs and good ideas shared. Other times, I want to take the fork off the table and jam it in my eye.

Here are five very common dinners that I experience on a regular basis.


The Dinner I Like

The advisor asks if I want to go grab a beer or a bite to eat after the program. We sit there and have a really great conversation about Student Life, families, kids, football, Chris Brown vs. Rhianna, whatever. It doesn't matter what we eat, and it feels great to make a lasting connection with a campus professional. I've had awesome dinners like this recently, one with my friend Kaye in LaCrosse, Wisconsin, and another with my pal Kelly Jo in Iowa City. It feels great to make a new friend or reconnect with an old one when you're spending a long stretch on the road.

The Other Dinner I Like

A couple of students (and sometimes an advisor) who have worked to bring me to campus want to go out for a meal before or after the program at a quiet restaurant. Since there isn't music blaring, we can hear each other as we spend time discussing issues they are facing. They know a little (or a lot) about me, and they ask my opinions. It's a small group, and I ask them about their challenges. They share honest stories from their experiences, and I give them some ideas I've come across from other campuses. Everyone is at this dinner because they want to be. I get some information that will help me in the keynote that night, or at the keynote tomorrow night at the next school.

The "Speaker as a Free Meal Ticket" Dinner

The sponsor says, "Some of the students want to take you out to eat before the program." About 14 of them show up, and they don't know a thing about me or what I'm speaking about. Then, throughout the meal, they talk among themselves about their plans for the weekend, that crazy thing that happened at the Greek Week event last night, or about who's dating whom. Everyone at the table orders the big meal because their organization is paying the bill, and most of them also order an alcoholic beverage. I sit there for the first 20 minutes trying to make a connection, even though no one is actually talking to me, and then I excuse myself to go make a phone call. I return to the dining area to see that no one is missing me, so I sit at the bar and have a conversation with the bartender. After the $400 bill is paid, half the students tell me it was nice to meet me, but they can't come to the program. They have other things to do.

The Surprise Program Dinner

I show up to a student dinner (usually at the Student Union) and find out that the staff member has actually gathered a rather large group together for a dinner program. I thought we were just eating and having casual conversation, but no. The advisor is expecting a dinner speech, and I suddenly have to pull something out of the air. And, since these students will likely be in my keynote two hours later, I have to talk about something different than what's in the main talk. Sometimes at these dinners, the students are attending because they were told they had to, and the advisor sits there and says things like, "What questions do you guys have for T.J.?" The students stare blankly at their plates. Feeling like the unwanted elderly aunt at Sunday night dinner, I lamely ask, "What are some of the biggest issues you've faced so far this academic year?" More plate staring.

The "Come Eat at Our Fraternity House" Dinner

I'm invited for dinner at a fraternity or sorority house prior to the program. I show up at the door, and the brother who answers has no idea who I am. I ask for the person I'm meeting and the young man in sweatpants and a wife-beater slurping cereal from a bowl tells me to wait in the foyer. Other brothers walk past me while I'm waiting and don't say anything to me. My host finally comes down and warmly invites me to the dining room. Six brothers are sitting at one of the tables. When we come in, they shoot us looks and finish up so they won't have to engage with us. My young host apologizes but says tonight was pot pie night and everything is gone. Would I like some cereal?

----

Honestly, the dinner is part of being a campus speaker, and it's usually a positive experience. One look at me, and you'll know that I don't turn down many dinner invitations. There are many campus visits where the dinner is an absolute blast.

But, it's a lot more rewarding for everyone when the participants actually WANT to be there. An awkward dinner with stone-faced student prisoners is a soul-sucking experience.

At this time of stretched budgets, advisors want to get the most out of a speaker's time on campus, and that makes perfect sense. Asking the speaker to have dinner to get a little bit more benefit for your students makes sense.

Whether it's a quiet dinner with staffers, or a meal with highly-engaged and interested student leaders, just make sure that you're using the time for some true benefit. Give the speaker some idea of who will be there and what's expected. Don't set up a dinner unless someone genuinely wants the extra time with the speaker.

An excellent video about how to confront

I really love this video. Makes such a good point about keeping confrontations about "what they did" and not "who they are," using race as the example.

Wanted to share it. Thanks to Steve Whitby for bringing this to my attention.