Breaking up shouldn't be so hard to do

We ended our relationship with one of our speakers this week. No surprise... I'd had an icky feeling about the relationship for a while. I've been in my business long enough to know when things aren't a win-win, and this one had been circling the drain for weeks.

But, like many of us, I let it go on too long. I let it play its course until we reached a point where a toxic cloud was hanging over all of us.

I admit it. I hate the "breaking up" feeling. I'm getting better at it, but I'm not sure it's ever going to come easy for me. I'm willing to tolerate a lot of crap before I get to the point where I overcome my discomfort and have "the conversation." I feel like Sex and the City's Carrie Bradshaw when I ask:

Why does breaking up feel harder than staying in?

Sometimes in student leadership, you have break-ups that you see coming a mile away, as well. Perhaps it's that officer who started off well but has become a total drag on your organization. Perhaps it's an advisor who no longer adds anything positive. Perhaps it's that member or teammate who's making too many bad decisions. Maybe it's the student worker who has screwed up so many times that he simply needs to go.

We delay the agony of the conversation. We keep thinking that perhaps the other person is going to step up and set things right. Maybe he will just quit on his own. We think that the annoyance is tolerable, even though very little "good" is coming out of the situation at all. We procrastinate, even though we know exactly where this dysfunctional relationship is headed.

All because the potential of that 10-minute conversation is so dreadful. Or, because we worry they will lash out at us and make it our fault. They will probably hate our guts for a long, long time, and it's going to be terribly awkward when you inevitably cross paths.

Go and Google "How to Break Up With Someone." The tips there are obviously for personal relationships, but you can take a lot of those tips and apply them to business or student-leadership breakups as well.

The one I struggle with the most is "doing it in person." I like to end relationships by email, which is a terrible way to do it. Hell, I'd do these breakups (firings, whatever) by carrier pigeon, if I could. I'm working on that.

Bottom line is that when things have gotten to a dysfunctional, harmful point, it's better to bite the bullet, confront the inevitable end of the relationship, and just do it. "Man up!" as my jock friends say. Face the ugly moments of the conversation with a mind toward the better situation that lives on the other side.

Is there a relationship in your student organization that is dragging you down? Then, it's time to employ the four most useful words in the English language:

We need to talk...

Lambda 10 releases transgender and Greek resource guide – available for FREE download

I just finished reviewing Lambda 10's Fraternity and Sorority Resource Guide, and I want to encourage all campus Greek advisors to get a copy and spend a little time with it. The guide was co-written by Jessica Pettitt, a member of our CAMPUSPEAK speakers team. I love that the resource guide is titled "Beginning the Conversation..." because I think it helps to accomplish just that.

As issues surrounding gender identity more readily enter the mainstream consciousness, it makes sense for those of us who work with people (young, old, whatever) to broaden our knowledge of transgender issues.

As a person with a strong personal commitment to human dignity and potential, I have been deeply touched by the stories of the transgender men and women I've met in my travels. I've seized numerous opportunities to interact with individuals working through transgender issues, and I find the whole thing fascinating. I can't think of a group that has a harder time in their struggle for rights and acceptance, so the part of me that immediately wants to fight for the underdog is drawn to the issue.

Denver has a very active trans community, and as I've become acquainted with members of that community, I've come to sympathize greatly for the struggles that many of them endure. I recently had a transgender woman come in to speak to my staff to help them better understand what it might be like to be, know, or care about a trans person.

Recently, I visited a school in the deep south, and I was approached by a fraternity president whose chapter was struggling with how to handle a member who was entering the next leg in his transgender journey. It was very emotional for all involved, rife with worries about rejection, abandonment, fear, public image, and values. It's really happening – everywhere – and the issue deserves some careful thought.

Reading the guide, you feel disheartened about how unlikely it is that a young person facing a gender identity crisis would find support and refuge in his fraternity or sorority. But, this guide is an important step toward eventual understanding.

In any case, I want to strongly urge every person who considers themselves a leader in the fraternity/sorority community to take a few minutes to get download a free copy of this guide, give it a quiet Saturday read in the coming months, and give some thought to how you will respond when a young person needs your assistance.

A word about those customized IFC polo shirts

I'm always amazed when I go to the Greek regional conferences each year, and I see IFC officers walking around the hotel in their matching polos with their customized embroidered logo stitched on the left chest. Frequently, I see that each of these officer has either his name or his position stitched in the shirt as well. The shirts easily cost $50 each, and some councils give them to every officer and subordinate chair.

Some councils prefer jackets – sort of in the tradition of high school lettermen making sure everyone knows their positions on the football or baseball team.

In almost all cases, the council pays for these shirts, or at least part of them.

This week, there was outrage around the country as the executives of the Big Three automakers flew private jets (three different ones) from Detroit to Washington to beg Congress for $25 billion in taxpayer funded loans. The implication, of course, was that these executives were desperate enough to appeal for taxpayer money, but not desperate enough to jump a commercial flight to D.C. to do it.

Same thing happened with AIG. Tens of billions in bailout money, but the lavish sales functions and retreats continued.

With these items in the news and people extra sensitive about how their tax dollars (IFC dues?) are being spent, do you really think the highly customized polo shirts are necessary for your MGCA or NGLA appearance? Give it some thought before you do it. Something as silly as a polo shirt could land you in the student newspaper with a lot of criticism aimed at your council during the first few precious months of your term.

Fellas, this year, be more careful about the discretionary spending. Start with the shirts. Downgrade to some nice t-shirts or something. You can be cool without the popped collars and embroidery.

Yes, I know previous councils had them, and it's not fair. But, this year is different from last year. This year, you need to be spending council funds on things that will justifiably help and advance your Greek community. Customized polo shirts don't make the cut.

Free speech gets ugly at N.C. State

By Jay Price, Raleigh News & Observer

RALEIGH - Four students who admitted spray-painting racist and threatening graffiti aimed at President-elect Barack Obama at N.C. State University won't be charged with any crime, but their work was condemned at a student rally Thursday.

About 500 people attended the rally at the NCSU Brickyard organized by the student government to demonstrate opposition to the graffiti. The graffiti appeared early Wednesday as modifications to positive messages about Obama that someone else had painted in the university's Free Expression Tunnel.

By 10 a.m., university workers had painted the entire tunnel white to erase the offensive messages, and students began replacing them with anti-hate slogans.

The U.S. Secret Service assisted in the investigation, said Jon Barnwell, spokesman for the NCSU police. The federal agency was notified immediately because of the nature of the graffiti, which said "Shoot Obama" and "Kill that n--."