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I got a message from a fraternity consultant yesterday. It seems that a particular chapter he's visited is having a problem with a gay member who is causing lots of problems for the chapter. It's not so much that he's gay (they have a few out and active gay members), it's that this particular young man seems to enjoy beating everyone over the head with his sexuality 24/7, using it as an excuse to do what he wants, say what he wants, and cause as much drama as he wants.
The young man is treating everyone badly, making an ass out of himself at Greek events, and basically doing everything he can to draw attention to himself. He stands up at chapter meetings and refers to himself in third person with statements such as, "The Queen thinks the chapter should" do this...
I'd throw him out just for that. The blogger thinks that people who refer to themselves in third person when speaking need a swift kick in the capri pants.
His brothers (and the consultant) have tried to confront him constructively about how his boorish behavior is affecting the chapter and its reputation on campus, but his response continues to be, "Well, I'm gay, this is who I am, and it's inappropriate of you to question how I act."
Oh, you're so wrong, Princess.
Of course, all the well-meaning straight boys don't know what to do. They don't want to be seen as homophobic, but the kid is being a nightmare. "What should I tell them to do," the consultant asked me?
My advice: a gay jerk is still a jerk. Sounds to me (without actually meeting the kid or being privy to all the back stories) like this young man is on a pretty wild ride with his sexual and social identity, and he's projecting that chaos onto his chapter. He should be confronted about his personal behavior and held to the same standards of personal conduct as any other member of the chapter, gay or straight.
It's been my experience that when a young man is going through this much upheaval and drama, the group's welfare is not his primary concern. If this is the case, then he should be given the option to either check his craziness, or be invited to leave so that he can be the master of his own train wreck. That doesn't mean that his friends in the chapter cannot help him, support him, etc., but it might mean that this tumultuous time of his life is not consistent with being a productive member of this particular kind of group. He might need to be invited to leave.
I was encouraged that the consultant said that the chapter has proven itself to be a safe and supportive place for its gay members. That made this conclusion easier to reach. Just because someone is gay, or struggling with that identity, does not give him the right to act in a personally destructive or self-centered way. Should it be OK for him to date openly in the Greek community? Absolutely (the straight members do). Should it be OK for him to talk openly about being gay and being a fraternity man? Absolutely. Should it be OK for him to incite problems in the chapter? Nope.
Had the consultant in question been gay, himself, I would have told him, "Tell Nellie Olsen to sit her ass down and shut her mouth before I fly out there and smack that cheap Clairol dye job out of her silly head." But, he's not. So I told him to tell the chapter members to continue to confront, set some behavior expectations, and handle him like any other troublesome member.
