T.J.'s rules for wearing nametags

Whenever you wear a name-tag, it needs to be on the right side of your body. Always, without question. If someone sticks a nametag on the left side of your shirt, smile, turn away from the person, peel the damn thing off, and put it on the correct side. Which is the right side. The right side. Not the left side. The right side.

Why? When you shake someone's hand you always do it with your right hand (unless you're at a convention of left-handed people activists, then ignore this posting completely). When you shake someone's right hand, and when your nametag is correctly positioned on the right side of your body, it allows the other person to glance at your nametag and make mental note of your name. Being able to look at that nametag builds confidence in the person with whom you are interacting, and that's a good thing. Some people, like me, are visual learners and are more likely to remember your name if we can see it in addition to hearing it. Plus, if your nametag has useful information like your job title, college or organization name, etc., that helps us place you and saves us from the first 67 stupid questions we need to ask in order to figure out who the hell you are.

Having to shake someone's hand and turn your head to the left to look at the nametag is awkward. Plus, the person can't help but think, "Jesus! No one has ever told this dumb ass that nametags always go on the right." And, you don't want them thinking that, do you?

But wait, some argumentative male will say... When I wear a dress shirt, there's a pocket on the left, and I like to affix or pin my nametag on the pocket. Well, that's just wrong. WRONG DAMN IT! What the hell does a pocket have to do with a nametag? NOTHING! Don't affix your nametag to your pocket, because now you look like an idiot and your pocket is drooping and making your nametag even harder to read. Dummy.

Now, for those of you who feel like I am discriminating against the left side of the body, I promise, I'm not. When you wear a corsage or boutonniere, you wear it on the left side of your jacket or dress. So, the left side doesn't get much action, but when it does, it smells better than a stupid nametag.

A few more things about nametags, while I'm ranting...

I would like to mention my deepest-felt hatred for nametags that hang from lanyards, attached at the top and middle to the nametag. Walk around a conference where the genius meeting planners have given out these nametags and you'll see that half of them are being worn with the name side facing the attendees' bodies, rendering them not only unattractive, but now utterly useless. The only thing dumber than a nametag is a nametag worn backwards. If you are a conference planner, stop ordering nametags that swivel. That's just incredibly stupid, and you're making my life miserable.

And a quick word to the guy who enjoys pinning his nametag on the belt-loop of his pants. Dude, you're not cool. If I want to check out your crotch, believe me, I'll do it. I don't need you placing your nametag by it to encourage me. From now on, when I see a guy wearing his nametag like this, I'm going to say, "Gee John! I never noticed what a gigantic cock you have! Thanks for putting your nametag there! Those flat-front Dockers were definitely a good choice this morning!"

If you are wearing more than three ribbons on your nametag, it's a serious cry for help. If they give you eight ribbons, don't wear them all cascading down your body like a drunken rainbow. Yes, you've earned them all, but if you have to wear eight ribbons to advertise your importance at a particular conference, people hate you anyway. Pick the three you like best, or the three that clash the least with your wardrobe, and wear those. Give the other ones to the poor stooges who don't have any ribbons. It will make them feel important and it will help you make some strides in tackling that over-achiever's complex you have.

Stickers and buttons on your nametag add a little flair. But, don't be too much of a sticker whore. If you're getting neck pain, you are overdoing it. If the last thing I notice on your nametag is your name, then again, you're an idiot.

And take the nametag off the minute you leave the building where your conference or event is taking place. Ever been in a food court and you see John from Accounting, Fred from Sales, and Jerry from Physical Plant taking a lunch break from their corporate meeting standing in line at Panda Express? Total bottom feeders, poor bastards. Makes you want to say, "Hey John from Accounting! Do you recommend the chow mein or the fried rice?" Take off your nametag, put it in your pocket. Put it back on when you enter the meeting again.

God, I feel so much better. Now, go out there and mingle!