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My mentor refused to play tennis with me. He played tennis with a lot of his other staff members, but he never asked me to play. I don't really like tennis and I'm not terribly athletic, so it didn't bother me at first. Eventually though, I felt left out. He asked Greg, and Mike, and Alan. Why not me?
I am very fortunate to know and have worked with the illustrious Durward W. Owen, former CEO of my fraternity. It's an understatement to say he's a legend in our organization. Most days, it felt like I worked for a cartoon character. His voice and style are distinctive, and he always says the nuttiest things.
When I finally asked Durward why he never asked me to play, he said, "I haven't asked you, T.J., because I expect that you are a TERRIBLE tennis player." This sort of direct and tactless reply, uttered in the most gentle Southern drawl, was typical of Durward. He would charm and devastate you in the same sentence.
"Well, that's true, but I'm a little hurt that you don't ask me anyway," I said. "It would make me feel more valued if you at least asked me. Maybe if you played with me I'd pick something up from you."
"T.J.," he said with a sigh, "In tennis, you only get better by playing with people who challenge you. If I play with you, I'll get worse. I have a tournament coming up." And, with that he dismissed me.
Of course, it hurt my feelings, but upon reflection, I realized there was an important leadership lesson to be learned. Durward, as usual, was pretty close to the truth. You rise or fall to the skill level of those you play with. Isn't that true in life, also?
You can be a really sharp person, but if you socialize with a bunch of dummies, you end up with a lot of problems. You can be a really sharp leader, but if you're in a dysfunctional organization, your leadership skills stagnate. We need to be challenged to improve.
It's true in jobs, friendships and romantic relationships, too. Think about your last job or relationship. Did it make you a better? Are there friendships in your life where you're serving the ball again and again to a "terrible tennis player" who drags you down?
Choose your friends, your leadership teams, your dates, your advisors, and your mentors carefully. They are either helping you get BETTER, or they're dragging you down.
Like Durward, we should all be choosing our tennis partners carefully.
