Bouncing back from a blunder

We all make mistakes. If you're a high profile student leader, there is a solid chance that something will happen that will knock you squarely on your ass. Your ego will be in tatters. Everyone will be angry at you, or at least delighting in your misstep. You'll be sure that everyone is out to get you.

In our culture, there's a certain twisted sweetness to watching the mighty fall. Look no further than the demonization of Kanye West, or the critical trashing of Jay Leno. You can practically hear the giggles from Detroit as Toyota gets ripped apart in the press. The higher you sit, the higher you fall. When the leader screws up, it's news.

Initially, you will get angry. You will lash out. You will plot revenge. You will whine incessantly to your inner circle. You will resolve to fight back, because damn it, "It's not fair!" People don't understand the truth. No one has asked for your side of the story. The public doesn't understand the details. They don't know the truth about how evil the other person is.

Whether you're the world's greatest golfer (Tiger), a top-earning actor (Hugh), or a struggling President of the United States (Barry), you are going to need to quit the whining at some point and accept the reality that you screwed up. Fair or not, you have a decision to make. Are you going act immediately to try to repair things, dig the hole deeper with excuses and denials, or hide?

If repairing things is your choice, here are some things I suggest.

Take your lumps, and openly admit your mistakes.

Our culture is big on redemption. The cycle – build 'em up, rip 'em down, and build 'em up again – is a worn cliche. If you're going to repair your image, make the necessary public apologies, admit your mistakes, and ask people to forgive you. Take responsibility for your role in the debacle, even if you feel that you've been handed more than your fair share of the blame.

Look like you learned something.

After the apology, people will still be watching you, and if they see more of the same behavior, there will be hell to pay. Let people watch you do the exact opposite of the behavior that got you in trouble. You can bet you won't be seeing Tiger Woods out at any strip clubs anytime soon. You'll see lots of pictures of him with his mother and child, helping people in need, etc. If he's ever going to regain his pre- sex scandal status, he's going to have to look like Mother Teresa for a while.

Drop the arrogance.

Watch how Toyota promotes itself in the coming year. Television ads won't be trumpeting their sales prowess. You won't hear Toyota calling itself the best, the most trusted, or the coolest. That's what you'll hear from Ford or Honda perhaps, but not Toyota. Toyota is going to be promoting safety, a resurgence of quality – all aimed at rebuilding trust. To regain what they lost, they need to look solid, not flashy.

Reach out and rebuild relationships.

If you, or the situation, has yielded negative feelings and burned bridges, the first steps to rebuild those relationships need to come from you. You can't expect much. You can't expect embraces and giggles. But, if you show some sincere effort to reach out, make amends, and support those you might have alienated, something good might return. Remember to expect nothing, and give freely. When you demonstrate a sincere attempt to get things moving in the right direction, without an expectation for anything selfish, forgiveness and trust have a greater chance to return.

Acknowledge your real friends.

There's a temptation to look for ways to hurt those who hurt you, but it's better for the soul to turn the other direction. Make time for the friends who stood by you, who helped, who listened. Thank them sincerely, and spend time with them. Let them know that their loyalty and unconditional support was not taken for granted and that you stand ready to support them if they ever need the same. Anyone who has ever been through a debilitating injury, a divorce, the death of a child, a bankruptcy, etc., will tell you that the low points are when you find out who your real friends are. Take that as a gift and appreciate it.

Watch your mouth.

John Mayer got in trouble this week for a Vanity Fair interview in which he said some pretty arrogant and insensitive things. John will likely be keeping his mouth shut for a while, and so should you. All that anger you still feel? Find a benign way to get it out that doesn't involve you shooting your mouth off to others. People talk, and many are looking for any hint of negativity from you.

Put on a happy face.

No one feels sorry for you.

Do good work.

It's the most important element of redemption. Demonstrate that the talent you brought in the first place was real and that the initial praise was deserved. You have to earn that high place again. Let your good work speak louder than your damaged image.

Kanye West probably will again release a great CD again. Jay Leno will go back to producing mildly entertaining late night television, his core fans will tune back in, and he'll be back on top of Letterman within a year. I'm betting Barry has strong approval ratings by 2012.

Only a few short months after coming clean about his steroid use, Mark McGwire begins his new job as the hitting coach for the Cardinals this week in St. Louis.

Bouncing back from the blunder is possible, but the only person who can get things moving toward that goal, is you.

Never confront a group

Let's say there are a group of people in your organization who are the root of a problem. Maybe it's a group of critical former officers, or a couple of friends who band together to cause drama at social functions. Maybe it's all the juniors who feel disconnected from the rest of the group, or perhaps it's the last class of initiated new members, or the women who live on that end of the residence hall.

The best course of action might seem to pull the group members into a room for a strong discussion about their behavior. Although it might appear to be an efficient solution, you could end up reinforcing their behavior instead of interrupting it.

Fraternity and sorority chapters frequently have the "pledge meeting" where they chastise the neophytes for a certain lack of enthusiasm, lack of progress, or incorrect behavior. These meetings feel effective to the members because the pledges snap into shape, but it is not exactly developmental. The pledges bond in a defensive way against the active members, creating long-term chapter unity issues.

The coaching staff of a sports team might use the same method: calling a team meeting and letting the players have it. A short term fix, that could have negative long-term morale implications.

If you confront a group of women who live at the end of the hall, it will likely reinforce the "us versus them" attitude. The women might sit and listen quietly, or they might flare defensively. In either case, they will quickly group up somewhere (probably in one person's room) and process the event as another justification for their negative attitude. When confronted, groups tend to adhere.

The answer is to do several, smaller confrontations aimed at the opinion leaders of the group.

Every group has leaders, formal or informal – people whose ideas shape the actions of the group. Calm, isolated talks with these individuals – from a place of mutual respect – is a better approach. From these conversations, you might learn some of the root causes of the conflict which will better illuminate a path forward. You can't solve an underlying problem if you don't understand it.

Your goal is that these individuals work with you to help create resolution. You can surely yell at their group members. Or, you could affect the opinions of influence leaders and send them back to their group with some collaborative ideas. It doesn't mean there will be a group hug right away, but small steps can move things along. Find common ground. Look for small bits of progress. Demonstrate a willingness to listen and get back to a good, positive place.

Humility and a willingness to listen are the best tools in resolving a conflict with a group. Usually the conflict originates from a group of people bonding over their sense of disconnect from the main group. That disconnect might be for a perfectly legitimate reason ("We don't have a voice!") to something more ridiculous ("We used to be really fratty and now we suck!").

Regardless, your only real option is to get things out in the open, to get people talking to each other, and to bring leaders to a place where the conflict can be resolved. Do this individual to individual – leader to leader.

Groups don't solve emotional issues. Individual leaders who care about the big picture do.

Congress, are you listening?

The Situation: which students are getting attention on your campus?

There's a great article in this week's Time about the longevity and impact of reality TV. It's difficult, honestly, to find someone who isn't a fan of at least one show. Your mother loves The Amazing Race. Your aunt has strong opinions about The Celebrity Apprentice. Your niece can't wait until she's old enough to audition for America's Next Top Model. Reality programming, apparently, is here to stay.

Becoming a reality TV star is actually a profession now. Back when my friend, Ethan Zohn, was eating bugs on the African savannah, he was joining a pretty small niche of quasi-celebrities. No one quite knew how to classify them. They fell somewhere on the spectrum of celebrity between "real actors" and porn stars. Today, according to the article, there are more than 1,000 people participating this year in some sort of TV reality show.

Twenty years after the debut of The Real World, and 10 years after the first season of Survivor, there are too many reality TV alums to count. They are part of Hollywood actor unions, now. They have conventions where they get together and discuss business strategies. They have clothing lines, agents for personal appearances, book deals, and consulting contracts with non-profit organizations needing a dose of cool. One will be coming soon to a blood drive near you.

Whether you love reality TV, or loathe it, it's hard to argue the impact it's had. We find ourselves living in a culture where stardom is measured by attention. Getting punched by a boy at the beach in the presence of your camera crew gets you more attention than earning an Oscar. You don't have to win anything, or be particularly good at anything (Heidi Montag, anyone?) to become a brand. Kate Gosselin gets more press and online chatter than our current Secretary of State.

We might not admire orange-skinned Sookie from The Jersey Shore, but just about everyone under 30 in this country knows exactly who she is. A parody bit of her on the venerable Saturday Night Live is a recurring bit. She and her abtastic little buddy, The Situation, are interesting, and today's students have grown up in a culture where being interesting rules. It is just as accepted – and probably more profitable – as being accomplished at something.

Why write about reality TV in a blog about student leadership?

Which students on your campus get the attention? At most, student athletes (of certain teams) and high profile student leaders are still the ones who claim the limelight. There will always be students whose ambition takes them the accomplishment route – who become important on campus for what they do. Right now, they're the ones who make the campus paper.

But, could that soon change? If status and attention come from outrageous attention grabs in our popular culture, how long will it be before some ambitious students take the outrageousness route on your campus?

It's not a new idea. Forty years ago, the students of note were protest leaders. But, that's so old fashioned.

If Heidi Montag can become famous for a sex tape, how long before a student on your campus gets the idea? A viral sex video circulating around campus could make some student a star. Are you ready to handle that? It might not earn them a dinner invitation at the president's house, but it will sure get them into all the right parties.

Perez Hilton has become a national celebrity by pedaling sexualized gossip on his website. How long before some student starts a website where students can share their sexual conquests from the weekend? How about a site where people post pictures, snapped with cell phone cameras, of their friends exposing themselves at various sites around campus? Look! I flashed my breasts at the main circulation desk of the library! There's Mike showing his junk at convocation! Isn't he hysterical?

If you can become legendary on your campus for doing something outrageous, some students will find that a perfectly fine option. Infamy is alluring, and for some, it beats the hell out of spending three years in meetings about risk management, running for elected office, and having to suck up to the Student Life staff.

And if it makes a certain portion of the campus population look down on you, who cares? You'll be gone in a couple of years, and you can reinvent yourself. Scott Brown, the newest Senator from Massachusetts and the new darling of the Republican Party, posed nude in a magazine once upon a time. If he can do it, why can't I?

Maybe I'm sounding a slightly ridiculous alarm. But, if a battle looms on the horizon between "status by accomplishment" and "status by notoreity," then we might be wise to go on offense now, rather than on defense later.

Am I suggesting that you put banners in your student center with the photos of your best student leaders? Am I suggesting that you put ads in your student newspaper celebrating their accomplishments? Do I suggest that we make them into campus rock stars? Am I asking you to give them scholarships, awards, and generally pump up their heads?

Yes, I am.

If celebrity is the cultural goal, then we better consciously make the right students the celebrities. We need to make sure that doing good things on campus continues to be the golden ticket to opportunity, admiration and appreciation.

Do the student leaders on your campus feel important? Do students on your campus know them and admire them? If not, it's something worth talking about.

As for me? I've preordered the first season of The Jersey Shore. It releases on February 23, and who am I to argue with the appeal of oversexed boys with tanned abs and hairdos of steel?

By the way, the current Secretary of State is Hillary Clinton.