Change the venue

One of the easiest things you can do to breathe a little bit of new life into your meetings is to change where they happen. If you feel like your meetings are in a rut and have become boring, changing locations can change your members' perspective just enough to cause a few sparks.

If you always meet in the same room on campus, change it up. Meet in the private dining room of a local restaurant at dinner time. Meet outside.

If you have a smaller group, meet in someone's living room. What about meeting in the living room of a member you've been trying to motivate about the organization?

You can make it a permanent change, or just do it for a single meeting. And, of course, it's important to make sure everyone is well-informed about the new location. You could also choose to hang a sign in your normal meeting place telling people to meet you somewhere cool nearby (it has to be very nearby).

Meet in the space that belongs to another campus organization. Why not ask the Women's Center if you can use their meeting space? If you're in a fraternity or sorority, switch one night with another chapter you like. The women get the men's chapter room, and the guys go over and see what it feels like to meet in a clean meeting room!

If you're going to change the location, change the set-up as well. Meet in a circle, or sit on the ground, or sit on comfortable couches.

Some people will like the change of venue, and some will think it's stupid and unnecessary. Remember, not everyone has to love every idea you try. Motivating your group is about trying new things and seeing where the positive results happen.

Blah, blah, blah letter at Framingham

In an attempt to inject some humor into their foundation fundraising, The Legacy Fund at Framingham State College in Massachusetts sent an appeal out to young alums that read, in part:

"With the recent economic downturn and loan crisis, it has become even more important for Framingham State College to receive your support. Blah, blah, blah, blah..."

The appeal went on to repeat the word "blah" 137 times. The letter was then signed by the president of the alumni association.

The whole story can be found here.

The humor wasn't well received by everyone. Some who called to complain called it insulting, unprofessional, and ridiculous. However, 40 alumni who had never given to the college alumni association before gave more than $2,000 as a result.

I thought it was pretty amusing. It's definitely a lesson in how some people get a joke, and some don't. While it remains to be seen if the stunt produced more positive or more negative consequences, it is definitely the only alumni association appeal making national news right now.

Lighten up a little during election week

Do you have a regularly-scheduled meeting on Tuesday nights? Yeah, you should probably cancel that meeting on November 4.

Election night is a huge cultural phenomenon, and this is the most dynamic election I've seen in my lifetime. It's not a good day/night to expect people to be productive or attentive to anything except the news. Most people will be watching their televisions, standing in long lines to vote, and feeling either elation or disappointment. There's a reason why Election Day is practically a national holiday.

I also think it's a good idea to go easy on the meeting and productivity demands on the day after Election Day. People are nursing a hangover, figuratively or literally. Cancel that Wednesday morning meeting, also.

Take a look at your calendar, and if yours is not a politically-oriented student group, lighten up the schedule for Election Week.

Careful what you say in the gym

I was at the gym yesterday, and about ready to walk out the door. I walked over to one of my favorite trainers to say goodbye, and his client was running his mouth. The client is an undergraduate fraternity man from nearby University of Denver (that's not him in the picture, but he looked kind of similar).

The kid was talking with great enthusiasm about how they had the pledges over Thursday night and made them "do all kinds of nasty shit." You know, like sending them on a scavenger hunt and making them eat hot peppers. Stuff like that.

Now, those who know me know what a struggle it is for me to be developmental when talking about hot-button issues like hazing. But, when I'm at the gym and my testosterone is racing... well, I can be a little confrontational.

"That's hazing, and you should be ashamed of yourself," I said to the young man.

"It's not hazing," he said.

"Actually, it is," I continued. "And you're a sadistic little punk for thinking you have the right to do that to other guys in order to join your shitty fraternity. You're a hazer and so are your brothers."

"You don't know anything about fraternities," he told me.

This is where the personal trainer jumped in. "Hey, you might want to knock it off," he told the client, giving me a cease-and-desist look. The kid clearly has no idea who he was mouthing off to, and why would he?

"Which fraternity?" I asked.

"You don't need to know which fraternity," he replied.

"If it's not hazing, then why do you care if I know which fraternity you're a member of?" I asked. "Are you afraid I might tell someone at the university?"

"If the university thinks that's hazing, then they can just bend over and take it up the ass!" he said.

I swear, that's what he said. Both the trainer and I chuckled. I've often thought that hazing is the most obvious repression of gay sexual energy -- but I'll save that for another blog.

"T.J. won't call the university," the trainer reassured.

Nope. I'm just going to write about it in my blog. And if someone at DU reads this, I bet they won't be one bending over.

Lesson of the day – if you're stupid enough to be a proud hazer, keep your mouth shut about it. You never know who's working out next to you.

So what if Obama was a Muslim?

CNN's Campbell Brown delivered an excellent commentary yesterday on her show "Election Center" addressing this question. I've been bothered by how virulently everyone's been stressing that Barack Obama is Christian, and not, in fact, a Muslim, as if it would be an automatic disqualifier for a presidential candidate. The racist undertone has been one of my more nagging criticisms of this presidential campaign.

I'm reprinting her commentary here, because I think it's a great campus discussion starter. I also bet that it's something on the mind of students who are, in fact, Muslim.


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So what if Obama was a Muslim?

NEW YORK (CNN) -- You may find it hard to believe that this remains an issue in this campaign, but it does.

The candidates, both candidates, are still getting questions about Barack Obama's ethnicity and religion. If you are even semi-informed, then by now you already know that of course, Barack Obama is an American.

Of course, Barack Obama is a Christian. Yet just a few days ago, there was a woman at a rally for John McCain incorrectly calling Obama an Arab:

Woman at rally: I don't trust Obama. I have read about him and he's an Arab.

Sen. John McCain: No ma'am, no ma'am. He's a decent family man, citizen that I just happen to have disagreements with on fundamental issues. That's what this campaign is all about. He's not, thank you.

Now, I commend Sen. McCain for correcting that woman, for setting the record straight. But I do have one question -- so what if he was?

So what if Obama was Arab or Muslim? So what if John McCain was Arab or Muslim? Would it matter?

When did that become a disqualifier for higher office in our country? When did Arab and Muslim become dirty words? The equivalent of dishonorable or radical?

Whenever this gets raised, the implication is that there is something wrong with being an Arab-American or a Muslim. And the media is complicit here, too.

We've all been too quick to accept the idea that calling someone Muslim is a slur.

I feel like I am stating the obvious here, but apparently it needs to be said: There is a difference between radical Muslims who support jihad against America and Muslims who want to practice their religion freely and have normal lives like anyone else.

There are more than 1.2 million Arab-Americans and about 7 million Muslim-Americans, former Cabinet secretaries, members of Congress, successful business people, normal average Americans from all walks of life.

These are the people being maligned here, and we can only imagine how this conversation plays in the Muslim world. We can't tolerate this ignorance -- not in the media, not on the campaign trail.

Of course, he's not an Arab. Of course, he's not a Muslim. But honestly, it shouldn't matter.

Your buddy, the "problem drinker"

You know that friend I'm talking about. He is incapable of having fun unless he's wasted – but he's wasted a lot, so he always seems to be having fun. He's larger than life most nights and always the center of attention. Loud, laughing, grinning. In the eye of every hurricane.

Everything about him says "drunk": his Facebook picture, the stories about him, the bottles and cans littering his living space. He's funny, or good looking, or sarcastic: so people love him and hand him more drinks. Girls love him, except the ones who mistakenly fall for him.

His drinking always ends up creating drama, or at least entertaining stories. He's always eager to tell the stories because they make him special and entertaining. He leaves out the less cool parts, like the puking, missed classes, or the damage to his car he caused driving through the Taco Bell drive-thru drunk at 3 a.m.

He never actually "goes to bed." He passes out most nights and nods off on the others. Deliberate decisions are few. He frequently has no idea where his car is.

He ends up making out with anybody who will have him. The sex is probably sloppy and disappointing, and it's never safe. You don't actually know that, but it's a safe assumption.

He frequently has scrapes, bruises and blood-shot eyes. There's that story of the night he slept outside on the lawn. His skin has seen more Sharpie than soap. Maybe he's gotten into trouble with the law. Fights, verbal confrontations. While he was drinking, he said and did things that damaged friendships and romantic relationships that showed some promise, followed up by apologies to people who would listen and dismissal of those who wouldn't.

There was that period of about two weeks when he told everyone he had given up drinking. He made a really big deal of making sure everyone saw and heard about the new page he was turning. But, it didn't last long. Some event (a birthday, a campus event, a big party) came up, and everything went back to normal.

During the day, he's like a weakened vampire. You try to talk to him, but he really doesn't want any accountability. You try to positively influence him. Maybe you joke and ask him why he's always such a mess. But, you're met with apologies, excuses, promises, avoidance, or defensiveness.

You begin to wonder if he's headed for a lifetime of hurt and shame. We know that the drunken fun is just a college thing for most people, but we fear it's not the case for him. Maybe this guy is an actual alcoholic, or maybe he's not. In any case, problem drinkers don't usually reform on graduation day. After school, this guy is going to lose a job, get a DUI, endlessly usher a parade of low-life through his bedroom.

The guy everyone thought was fun is going to end up being enormously pathetic. He's the guy who will come back to Homecoming and be exactly the same drunk he was when he was an undergrad.

A problem drinker is a person who experiences problems when he drinks. Plain and simple. Most of us have a friend who is one. A car driving 100 mph, headed for a cliff. Impossible to stop or steer.

Requests from a weary road warrior

I always tell people that traveling is the very worst part of being a speaker. Yeah, we're fun and lively when you see us on stage, but you have no idea what we tolerated all day in order to make it to your town. The following was written by my business partner and fellow speaker, David Stollman. It's pretty damn funny and was clearly written as an alternative to killing a fellow traveler one day this week.

We're getting to the point in the semester where speakers have been on the road for two months and are starting to have mental issues similar to that of the most unstable postal workers. So, if you have a flight in the next six weeks, you've been warned. David flies United and US Airways a lot, so you might want to look into booking on Delta.

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by David Stollman


I have decided to inform the world how they can stop pissing me off while joining me in flying around the country. Ten requests.

1. Realize that the laws of physics still apply to airplane overhead bins. Do you have some sort of shrinking charm that makes you think your bag will magically fit in there?! Are you Harry Freaking Potter?!

2. Walking in airports is governed by the rules as driving. Stay to the right. DO NOT just STOP in the middle of the damn walkway to hang out or to look through your bag. Pull over bitch!

3. In case you are too stupid to realize, let me explain. The tray table and back of the seat in front of you is attached… to ME! Quit banging! Stop pulling on my headrest to stand up and pushing on it to sit down. There are armrests for that! I am riding in a plane not on a damn mechanical bull!!

4. Shut the hell up. Most people work hard and fly to get there and back. That means they need to work or sleep on flights. No one wants to hear your damn conversation. Not even the person you are talking to. So only speak in low tones if ever. And NEVER talk on a flight before 9am. Some people got up yesterday to get there early enough. Shut up and let them sleep.

5. Airlines are evil. All of them. Get used to it. Quit being shocked when they crap all over you. Learn the system, know your rights and push back or shut the hell up. You look stupid and waste my time when I am in line behind while you yell about a snowstorm making you late for Aunt Edna’s retirement party.

6. If you can’t learn how to pack, then you will be checking your luggage and will have to pay for it. Shut up and deal with it. You want to bring 5 pairs of shoes for one weekend, well you just paid a "stupidity tax." Tough.

7. Don’t fart on my freaking plane! Unfortunately airlines aren’t nice enough to pass out Beano with their drink service. But until they do, squeeze those cheeks. I don’t want to be stewing in your fumes for two hours. Hell YOU don’t even want to be stewing in them for two hours. Learn what food makes you fart and DO NOT EAT IT BEFORE YOU FLY.

8. I don’t care how badly the airline screwed you over so stop trying to tell me. No matter how bad your story is mine is worse. They keyed my car, punched my mother, pissed in my coffee and send my luggage to Anchorage. What in the world makes you think I am sitting in 5C waiting for you to vent to me. Shut it.

9. If you can’t carry your luggage through the aisle of the plane without hitting me you have to check it. And if you are too stupid to realize that backpacks change your general surface area then you are too stupid to leave your house. Seriously, you know how narrow that aisle is! If you hit me with your backpack when you turn around to ask your homey for some granola again I am going to shove it up your ass.

10. Speaking of that, get your ASS out of my face too. When you stand in the aisle and bend over to the side, your ass is in my face! Bend with your damn knees or I am going to stand up and rodeo smack you like a porn star.

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David is still available for Spring '09 bookings and promises to be very nice after navigating the friendly skies to your lovely city or town.

Greek bystanders

Let's say you have a sister whom you fear is suffering from depression. She's withdrawn from everyone; her entire demeanor is sad and fearful; she isn't taking care of herself; she's missing classes; she's not eating.

Sisters start to notice. "What's going on with her," they ask each other? Concerned conversations become more frequent.

You think to yourself, "God, I really should talk to her." Share your concern, see if you can help.

But then you talk yourself out of it. "Her roommate will say something. Her best friend, (insert name), has probably talked to her. The president will say something." We start reasoning every sister in the chapter who is closer to her, and therefore is more appropriate to say something.

We start convincing ourselves that the best thing we can do is to simply give her some space. Sisters who are closer to her will handle the situation, we silently hope.

Simultaneously, other sisters have the same internal conversation, and no one says a word to the young woman who is suffering. Except perhaps the tactless sister who says, "What's wrong with you?" in an accusatory tone in the bathroom one morning.

***

Let's say you have a brother who has gotten into three fights in the last month, always after parties or trips to bars. He's a fifth-year senior and has a big personality. In the last month, he's had broken lips, a blackened eye, and a dislocated shoulder from fights. He laughs about it, but he looks like hell.

Everyone's a little nervous about it. "What's up with him, lately," the brothers ask each other? Maybe something's going on with his ex-girlfriend, guys wonder. Perhaps he's just cutting loose some since this is his last semester at school. He doesn't seem that drunk when he leaves the parties.

In any case, you worry that he's going to get in one fight too many and end up in the hospital. You think about saying something to him, but you're a sophomore, and sophomores don't really question seniors, particularly about anything related to drinking. You tell yourself, "Well, his best friend (insert name) will say something. The social chair will say something. The risk management chair will say something. Certainly, one of his pledge brothers is on top of the situation."

You keep thinking of other brothers who are closer, or who have more sway over him. You think about how unpleasant the reaction would be if you said anything, and you convince yourself that there are plenty of other brothers better positioned to confront the situation – if indeed it needs confronting at all.

Give him some space. Let him work it out. Something is going on, and the best thing to do is to let him work it out privately, you decide.

Simultaneously, other brothers have the same internal conversation, and no one says a word to the young man who ends up bloodied every weekend. At chapter meeting, your advisor passes by the man and jokingly asks him if he's going as a crime victim for Halloween.

***

Conventional wisdom would tell us that being a member of a fraternity or sorority is a great place to suffer through a personal problem. Surrounded by brothers and sisters who genuinely care about us, there should be plenty of people who will step up, express concern, and get us the help we need.

But, my experience has been that the exact opposite is often true. In situations where more people are present and invested, there's more tendency to assume and hope that another person (other than you) will step up. The more players in a situation, the more the responsibility to act is diffused.

In fraternities and sororities, often, members accept the flawed idea that action is the responsibility of someone in a formal position. The president will do it, the member education chair will do it, the standards board chair will do it, the chapter advisor will do it. Everyone silently hopes that people act based on their job descriptions. Maybe it happens, maybe it doesn't.

Meanwhile, everyone looks at each other, observes a brother or sister in crisis, and does nothing. We are paralyzed because we are a big caring group. There's baggage. There's fear of alienating a friend. There's worry that there's a big terrible situation lurking behind the damaging behavior that you don't want to know about.

It's easier to hope that the situation will work itself out, magically, than to take action and talk to the brother or sister. The fear of "the talk" going badly outweighs the sense of obligation to do something.

***

Many of you have started new member education. This discussion is an important one to have. When is it time to stop thinking like a fraternity and start acting like a brother? When is it time to stop thinking like a sorority, and start acting like a sister?

Are we the type of group where brothers and sisters can feel safe expressing concern for one another – even in the toughest or scariest situations – without retribution? Is it OK for a young member or a new member to express concern for an older member?

Is it the responsibility of every brother or every sister to act when they think someone is in danger? Are we acting on that currently, or are we a bunch of bystanders? How should you confront a brother or sister you are worried about?

Frankly, I think this is the single most critical discussion you can have with your new members. Bring in older members who have gone through tough situations, and have them share how grateful they were when brothers or sisters stepped up. Give your new members permission and the expectation that being a brother or a sister means more than being a passive bystander.

And then, remind your brothers and sisters of the section of your ritual that talks about caring for a brother or sister in need.

Why National Coming Out Day is still important

One of my interns admitted to me recently that prior to coming to work for me, she said the word "gay" a lot. As in, "That's so gay." Like most people who say it, she didn't mean it in the literal sense of "homosexual." She didn't mean it as a slur on people with a non-heterosexual orientation. She meant it as weird, bizarre, or gross.

Everybody said it. It was part of common usage. It was just a word. So, she said it, too.

Knowing she was coming to Denver to work for a gay guy, her boyfriend commented, "Well, I guess you need to quit saying that, huh?"

October 11 is National Coming Out Day, and people sometimes ask me why there needs to be such a day. There are gay, lesbian, and bisexual television characters on all the popular shows. A gay Congressman has been on TV all week promoting the Wall Street Bailout. Everybody seems to have gay friends. Coming out, it seems, has never been easier.

But, dig deeper and you'll see that getting to a place of positive self-esteem for most gay and lesbian people is still a very difficult journey. I don't care how many episodes of Will & Grace your mother has seen, telling her you're gay is still very intimidating. None of us likes to break our mom's heart, even if we believe she'll eventually come around to embrace us as we are. It's still hard for many people to figure out how they'll be able to keep God in their life. It's hard to imagine how you'll ever be a parent.

It's still very hard to worry about friends rejecting you – even the ones who say "gay" all the time and mean no harm.

It's important that we all take a step back and remember how tough it is for young people of all shapes, sizes, colors, and religions to figure this puzzle out. We need to work a little harder to send the message that everyone deserves love, and self-esteem, and the ability to live a life where one's heart and one's mind operate harmoniously.

I have a friend who only came out about two years ago, in his 40's. During a recent hospital stay, his partner was embraced by his family and included in all the medical decisions. National Coming Out Day matters to him.

I know a young woman who struggles to deal with her sexual orientation because she worries about being rejected by her fundamentalist family and home community. She spends inordinate amounts of time on the Internet, reading and searching for something that will give her hope that she won't be rejected by everyone she knows. National Coming Out Day matters to her, because she'll probably still be deeply closeted when it's over.

October 12 is the 10th anniversary of Matthew Shepard's death. He was "out" on his campus, was a member of his GLBT student organization, and by all accounts, liked himself pretty well. Yet, he was victimized and left for dead, tied to a fence in rural Wyoming. Trust me, National Coming Out Day matters to his mom, Judy.

And, National Coming Out Day matters to me. I don't expect everyone who has yet to publicly self-identify as gay, lesbian, or bisexual to run down the quad waving a rainbow flag. For me, it's not about making some big show and daring people to accept you. For me, it's not even an observance for gay people.

For me, National Coming Out Day needs to be about straight people sending a message of acceptance and support so that the young man or woman in their life who is fighting the battle against fear can see supportive messages that they need so badly. Coming out requires courage, and some people need a little bit of that courage to come from you.

If you're reading this on Facebook, I encourage you to set your status to something supportive in the next two weeks. "Joe loves his gay friends" or "Kelly wants her sisters to know that it's safe to come talk to her." You never know if one of your friends really needs that kind of message.

If you are gay or lesbian, and a user of Facebook or MySpace, challenge your own fear and change that profile setting to an "Interested in" that reflects who you truly are.

And if you hear someone say the word "gay" as a synonym for "stupid," challenge it. Every time we use our words carelessly, we send a message that there is reason to fear, to hide, to be ashamed.

National Coming Out Day matters, but what matters more is the individual commitment each of us makes to promoting human dignity and respect, regardless of your personal sexual orientation.