10 great things to do during this down time

Hey, Student Leader. Bored yet?

You've opened your gifts, and you've seen three movies at the theaters since you got home. Saturday night with your high school friends proved that one night with them is sufficient. What are you going to do this week other than watch Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin on CNN Thursday night?

Here are 10 useful ideas.

10. Connect with your mentors. You know... those people you always turn to when you're in the ditch but who get very little love from you when everything's going well? Yeah, those people. How about sending them a note, letting you know what's going on in your life and wishing them a happy new year. Maybe you could thank them for always being there for you.

9. Read something that isn't a text book. Get thyself to the library or to Barnes and Noble, and pick up something engrossing that you can spend a little time with this week. Maybe a biography of someone who's been successful in your chosen field? Or perhaps just a fun, trashy book. Just because you don't have to read, doesn't mean you shouldn't.

8. Set some goals for the second half of the academic year. This quiet time, away from the daily pressures, is a great time to evaluate the progress of your year and make some midstream adjustments.

7. Spend some time with a loved one. Take grandma out for breakfast. So sale shopping at Bass Pro Shops with your dad. Spend some time with the people in your life who willingly take a back seat 96-percent of the time. We'll be dead soon, and you'll wish you'd paid attention to us instead of texting 2,000 times with your college friends.

6. Brush up the resume. Before you know it, you'll be looking for that summer job or internship. Work on the resume now, while you have time to do it thoughtfully.

5. Choose three charities and send them each a tiny donation. This is something many of us out here in the real world with real world taxes do the last week of each year. Even if it's only $5 or $10 each, pick three charities that deserve your support, and write them a little check. It's a good habit to get into now, and charities are having a rough year. Every little bit helps. Here are three that I gave to this year, if you need some ideas: here, here, and here.

4. Make a dental appointment. Seriously, when's the last time you had those things cleaned? Your mom and dad will be impressed, too.

3. Clean your car. That thing is disgusting. You can go to the car wash to clean the exterior, but do the interior yourself. Change out the CD's in there. Clean out the junk in your glove box. Use some glass cleaner on those windows. Starting the new year with a clean car is good for the soul.

2. Box up high school. It's time to put the past where it belongs... in boxes in the basement or in the trash can. OK, you can save the pictures, but really... that stupid glass from 10th grade Homecoming? Time to go. If you carry more than 2 boxes of junk from high school with you past college graduation, you've got problems. Plus, Mom would probably really like to start using your room as a guest room anyway, and that Gnarls Barkley poster ain't helpin'.

1. Go to the gym, every day until you have to go back to school. Personal health is found in the establishment of routines. Maybe if you go every day between now and the drive back to school you'll be a bit more motivated to make time for the gym when the semester starts. The gym is a great escape from the stresses of daily life, and you could probably use more of those opportunities in the course of your hectic semester. Take this week to remind yourself of how good it feels to run for 30 minutes, swim a lap, or play basketball with strangers.

And yes, I know, I need to do #1 myself. Yes, I know.

Have a terrific new year.

Avoiding dump trucks

I am an answers guy. I like to solve problems. Like many of you, I'm the guy who steps up with solutions. I have gotten to where I am by being the guy who takes a challenge and meets it. When someone complains, my first instinct is to brainstorm possibilities.

No problem is unsolvable! Cue the Superman music.

The bad part of being that kind of person, however, is that people love to lay their problems at your feet. The complainers, the whiners, the helpless incompetents – you are their best friend. When their love life is a disaster, you provide good ideas for fixing things. When they haven't done an adequate job on a task, you pull a last-minute solution that saves their ass. When things are hard, you are willing to get in there and help them manage.

These "dump trucks" come to you to fix things. They come because you kick them into gear. They come to you because "you always know just what to do."

And, it's exhausting.

If you don't figure out a way to repel some of this problem dumping behavior, you're going to spend the rest of your life solving other people's issues, taking on their stress, and sharing responsibility for their failures. One of the toughest things I've had to learn to do is to simply hold back on the impulse to help the dump trucks in my life. The minute someone complains about something, my brain goes into turbo autopilot. Left to my natural devices, I would start developing an action plan with them before they finish their sentence.

It takes all of my willpower to keep my mouth shut and simply say...

Hmm. I don't know. What do you think you should do?

As an experiment, try it for a week (or a month!). When a dump truck complains, or is worried about something, or has her weekly crisis, ask her a bunch of questions.

What ideas have you thought of?
What solutions have you ruled out?
So, what choices does that leave you?
What do you think should be done first?
What's your best idea for how to move forward?

When you try this out, you will find that people fall into a couple of different categories.

There are those dump trucks who can keep control of their payload. These are the ones who actually have an idea they want to knock around and who probably just need validation. They have ideas, and they're just afraid to be wrong. Or, they are missing something, and they feel unsure. When you ask them "What do you think?" they will venture a tentative answer. We like these people because they actually have put some thought into a problem before dropping it at our toes. For these people, a little encouragement, validation, or a conversation to flush out a solution is all they need.

It's the second group of dump trucks you need to worry about – those who give you a blank stare. These people are dumping their payload at your feet before you even know what's in the truck. Their idea of searching for a solution is to simply dump it on you and make you a party to the problem. They throw their hands in the air and act like the whole world is hopeless.

Just say, "Hmm. I don't know. What do you think?"

And that's all you give them. No dumping here, damn it! The really persistent ones will reply with, "I don't know what to think. That's why I came to you."

Hold your ground, even though your problem-solving brain is throwing a million good ideas at the inside of your mouth. Hold back. Don't solve their problem. They won't love you more for solving their problem.

"I have no idea either. That's a tough one," you'll say. "I'll think about it. Let me know when you get some ideas and we'll bat them around."

The person will probably be annoyed, ask why you aren't being helpful, and then they'll drive their dump truck to someone else's house. Worst case scenario: they stop dumping their problems on you and dump them on others. Best case scenario: they take more responsibility for solving their own problems.

When people are asked to take responsibility for solving problems themselves (with you just offering some encouragement), then they stop making their problems your problems. When you can help people do that, you've truly achieved a student leadership milestone.

The wrong and right things to say when a friend suffers a loss

Grief is a perfectly natural and healthy emotion. All of us will suffer losses in our lives – deaths, loss of jobs, relationship breakups, ends of addictions, and more. Yet, we live in a culture that is profoundly uncomfortable with grief, and we Americans hate feeling uncomfortable. When we have someone near us devastated by a loss, most of us look for the exit. We don't know what to say, or what to do, so we retreat.

For Millennials that ends relationships by text messages, avoiding uncomfortable contact is a generational norm. The sad part is that a Tweet that says, "Sorry your father died. Let me know if I can help" just doesn't cut it when you have a friend in real emotional pain.

I want to give you some ideas of the wrong things to say. Then at the end, I'll tell you the right thing to do. As usual, the correct answer is quite simple.

When we see someone suffering from a loss, our impulse is to say something that will help make the pain go away. We try to say something to cheer them up, divert their attention to something more hopeful, turn them away from the acute pain they feel. We do everything but validate the fact that they are suffering, because suffering makes us uncomfortable. Some examples of wrong things to say when someone is grieving:

"He's in a better place now..."
A favorite of the religious, but not very helpful. Even if the grieving person believes in heaven, he or she can simultaneously believe that their loved one is in a better place and feel horrible about losing the person in this world.

"At least her pain has ended..."
That's like telling someone who lost a finger that they still have nine. Yeah, duh... but I still lost a finger! No one wants their loved one to suffer, but that doesn't mean that the death of that person is any less of a loss.

"Thank God you're both young and can have other children..."
The most hideous thing you can say to someone who has lost a child or suffered a miscarriage. The person is grieving what they lost, and the promise of some future opportunity doesn't change the fact that he/she just lost something incredibly important right now. What you're saying might be true, but it's not helpful.

"You'll bounce back..."
Optimism is wonderful, but when someone has lost a job or has watched their house burn down, they are feeling loss in the moment. Looking forward is a good strategy for later, but for now, they are feeling sad and defeated. You need to honor today's emotion.

"We'll go to the store and get you a new puppy this weekend..."
You don't address a person's loss by offering them an immediate replacement. You wouldn't tell someone whose grandmother just died that you're going to take them to a nursing home and find them a new old lady. Then why would you tell a friend who just broke up with her boyfriend that you're going to take her out to meet hot guys at the bar this weekend? Let the person mourn the loss they just suffered. Finding an immediate replacement for what was lost is not productive for anyone. In fact, it's actually detrimental. Thinking someone will bond with a new puppy when they are acutely missing the pet they just lost is counter-productive.

"I know how you feel..."
No, you don't. I don't care if you went through a similar loss a week ago – every person's loss is unique because it involves the loss of a unique emotional relationship. Two siblings who just lost their father can feel it in completely different ways, based on the emotional relationship each had with their father. How can you know how the person feels when they are struggling to understand how they feel?

So, what's the right thing to say?

The key to helping a friend who is suffering a loss is to simply give him a safe place to express how he feels, no matter how sad, ugly, angry, immature, or hopeless that emotion might be. Let the person feel whatever they need to feel at the moment, and just listen. Comfort them by being there and caring. Most of the time you don't need to say much at all.

When someone near me suffers a death of someone close, I usually just ask them to tell me about the person. Or, I'll simply ask, "What happened?" Then I shut up and let them talk. I let them feel sad and upset. That's the natural emotion to feel when you lose someone, so I let them feel it. I've had several friends in recent years lose their jobs, or get seriously bad medical diagnoses. I just ask them how they feel. I let them vent. I let them tell me what fears dominate their minds at the moment. I don't worry about turning their attention to job search techniques or advances in chemotherapy in that moment... I just let them be pissed, scared, or angry.

Shut up and listen. Don't try to do anything. Don't feel compelled to cheer them up. Just listen and be there for them. That's what you do in the short term.

In the long term, after the initial loss, you want to help your friend "recover." I strongly recommend a very small, easy read called The Grief Recovery Handbook by John W. James and Russell Friedman. It's an amazing book that I've read a dozen times and have given to friends suffering with unresolved grief many times over the years. They just came out with a 20th anniversary updated edition, and it's wonderful.

The "post risk management era" for fraternities and sororities, Part One

I entered the fraternity and sorority world about the time that the risk management mania began. I joined my fraternity in 1987, and I went to work at the fraternity headquarters in 1988. These were the years when kegs were banned, FIPG came about, and undergraduate members of fraternities and sororities began paying steep annual insurance premiums.

My second job out of college was as the national coordinator of GAMMA, Greeks Advocating Mature Management of Alcohol, and I was kept very busy helping Greek communities respond to risk management policies. Most Greek communities had speakers visit to promote risk management practices. For quite a while, most men's national fraternities hired lawyers as their executive directors. Publications like Fraternal Law became must reads for campus advisors.

The last 20 years of fraternity and sorority life can be aptly called "the risk management era." The emphasis was on rules and policy adherence. It dominated everything: chapter services strategies, fraternity education, volunteer training and duties, consultant training, board meetings, etc.

Someone a lot smarter than I will write a book about this, and I'm sure opinions will vary on whether or not it was a good, important era, or a harmful one. Was there any net benefit? Some will say that fraternities and sororities grew stronger during this time. The values congruence crowd will continue to crow about how risk management draws us closer to the values we were founded upon (a weak argument, I'd say). Others will say fraternities and sororities lost their fun, their innocence, and their relevance. One thing for sure, lawyers and insurance agents made a lot of money. Yet, students are still dying from alcohol poisoning and hazing on a regular basis.

In any case, I believe everyone is ready to move on. FIPG is now older than most of the student leaders taking the reins of our chapters. Most fraternity and sorority advising professionals have never known anything different – as professionals, or as students. Just about everything that can be said or created around the idea of risk management has been done.

Risk management isn't going away, for sure. As long as there are people falling out of windows at fraternity parties, risk management will be in the picture.

But, things are changing. I can feel it. I can see it as I visit campuses and attend leadership conferences. As I sat with some fraternity staff members at a luncheon last week, they asked me what I thought was on the horizon for the nation's fraternities and sororities. I told them that I wasn't sure, but that I thought that whatever is next is going to come from the students, not from the national organizations.

I believe that after nearly two decades of being told how fraternities and sororities should operate, should look, and what values they should seek to represent, students are ready to innovate.

To be continued...

Stop desecrating your composites

I was recently hosted by a very nice, very impressive sorority chapter. They were wonderful hosts. Prior to my presentation, I had dinner at their sorority house, and leaning against a living room wall was a fraternity composite.

The composite was from one of the local fraternities, dated 1993-1994. I got up to take a look at the old clothes and hairstyles. I noticed that the glass had a gigantic crack in it, and the frame was heavily scratched and banged up.

"What's this doing here," I asked?

"Oh, we steal theirs, they steal ours. They're all over the house," replied one woman. "I bet we have one from almost every fraternity on campus."

I noted that the sorority's current composite was enclosed in a very large, locked container lit by lights in their foyer. "Why is it that you take such great care of your current composite, but you could care less about the old ones?"

The woman looked at me strangely. "We need them for recruitment, I guess," was her best answer. "The guys don't care about their old composites, and we have so many of our own, we don't have anywhere to put them anyway."

For many students, they're a joke. Funny names, odd hair. Old. They break them, throw them in closets, steal them from other chapters. I am willing to bet that many find their way to the dumpster every year from damage caused by neglect.

Undergraduates at many campuses should be ashamed of the way they treat old composites.

First thing, these things are incredibly expensive. Thousands of dollars. Those who came before you paid a steep price for those, and they expected you to care for them. Second, they are incredibly sentimental to your alumni. I love walking into my fraternity house at Indiana and looking at the composites from my years, remembering the names, faces and bad haircuts. While they might seem ridiculous to you, they are awesome to me.

I was devastated a few years ago when I visited my own chapter and no one knew what had become of the composite my fellow founding fathers and I had made in 1987. That's right – the founding composite! Missing in action. Nothing but shrugged shoulders when I asked.

Councils across the country should immediately ban the desecration of composites, and the young men and women who are currently the stewards of their chapters should start acting with a bit more respect toward them. They are your history. Those faces mean something to those of us who made it possible for you to be in the chapter today.

I wish every alumni IFC or Panhellenic across the country would immediately rent a huge storage unit, confiscate all the old composites from the undergraduate chapters, and keep them under lock and key. Where alumni councils don't exist, the university should ask for them. There are services available for composite restoration, by the way. Then, when it was time for class reunions or significant anniversaries, we could pull them out and display them.

Perhaps then, undergraduates would respect them more.

Take the has-been high road

You finished your term in office. You passed the gavel, and the pressure is off. All those crazy problems are no longer yours. If you've done your job, you made sure the transition was an effective one with lots of inside advice and an offer to be available for questions. With a wink of good luck and a small dose of empathy, you handed over the monster to the new officer.

You're free! Congrats. You can now head home – or wherever – for some true down time. Less stress, no more complaints, more free time.

For some of you, you'll be moving on to another leadership position. Perhaps you've signed on to lead a council or another student organization that has nothing to do with your previous leadership position. New challenges await.

But for others, you'll come back in January with no specific student leadership responsibilities. You'll just be "Joe Member" of your organization. A has-been. That can either be really great, or it can be really confusing. A few bits of advice.

Please, please, please... do not be an obstructionist former officer. The last thing the new leaders need is your open criticism of everything they try to do. Keep your mouth shut and let them try their new ideas, make their mistakes, and face their struggles. It's tough being a student leader, and your meddling can make it worse. If you can't say anything nice, then just shut up. Yes, you might be right. Yes, you might have made a better choice. But, it's not your turn.

If you choose to hang around, then lend a hand on a project or area of the organization that desperately needs some attention. Raise some money, work with the alumni, do some public relations, paint the basement, clean up the constitution and bylaws. You're not in charge any longer, but you can still be useful. Make a contribution without getting in the way of the new leaders. Set an example for other members that membership means stewardship of the organization, whether or not you're in a leadership seat.

Show up to things. Your year as a leader doesn't give you a pass to skip everything from here forward. Take an interest in the youngest members of your organization, and help shape their experience in a positive way. Again, you're setting an example.

Support the new person even when it hurts. When people in your organization dislike something the new officer does, the first thing they will do is look at you. Don't roll the eyes, don't make clever criticisms. Even if you disagree, your most critical response should be something like, "If you guys don't like what he's doing, then go talk to him and work with him for a better solution." Don't add fuel to a fire by encouraging dissent. It doesn't make you look smarter or cooler to stir the pot – it just makes you look like a pain in the ass.

Go find another place to be useful. Join another student organization. Volunteer. Make some new friends. Sometimes, former officers become a negative, toxic presence in their organizations because they are bored, under-utilized, and are struggling with a lack of validation. When that happens, you start becoming the in-house critic of everything. Don't go down that path.

Former presidents of the United States are good role models for how you should act. They reserve criticism. They help if they are called upon, even if they aren't particularly fond of their replacement. They work on their own projects (their libraries, for instance) without getting in the way of the new leader. When encouraged to criticize by the press, they pinch their lips.

Like them, be classy about being a former leader. It's the has-been high road.

Don't just meet to meet

I'm headed to a very important professional conference next week. I am literally designing my own spreadsheet schedule because I have so many appointments. I might have to schedule pee breaks.

Needless to say that there will be a lot of meetings. Like many people, I am fine with meetings when there is a purpose and some progress, and I hate them when they are utterly useless. I am the king of excusing myself and leaving if there's not some progress after about 15 minutes.

If you can't get things moving in a valuable direction after 15 minutes, I'll excuse myself and find a better way to be productive. I know it sounds harsh, but ladies and gentlemen, time is money.

As a student leader, you probably attend a lot of meetings – some that you are responsible for and many others that you are simply expected to attend. Take an inventory of your current schedule of meetings and evaluate if they are worthy uses of your time.

I reject the idea that all meetings are necessary. They're not. If the person in charge of a meeting doesn't respect your time enough to make the meeting productive, you don't owe your attendance. Rather than make excuses for skipping the meetings, or sitting there in a haze wasting your time week after week, confront the person holding the meetings and make suggestions for how the meeting could be changed.

Be part of the solution.

Can the meeting be shorter? It's amazing how many people default to an hour meeting, because that just seems like the right amount of time. Let's make it 30 minutes and see what that does.

Can it be held less often or on a non-regular schedule? Why weekly? Let's change it to once a month, or maybe just twice in October. Schedule these meetings with purpose and justification.

Can fewer people be invited so that it's only key decision makers? Maybe we need two meetings: one for those who make decisions and one general meeting each month to just keep the membership in the loop.

If the meeting is mostly for political purposes (i.e., making the Dean of Students feel "in the loop"), can that be accomplished another way?

Can the agenda be restructured?

If the host of the meeting never starts on time, confront that also. Assist the host of the meeting by publicly making a request to participants that they show up on time, and then be a role model by making sure you're on time.

Suggest to the host that he/she sends out an email 48 hours prior to the meeting to focus participants on three key issues for the meeting.

I'm not a fan of meetings that try to be both social and business. Choose. If you want me to conduct business, then have a meeting and make it productive. If you want to serve a social purpose, then have a social event, advertise it that way, and I'll show up with bells on my toes. Meetings that try to blend the two usually end up being neither fun nor productive – they just feel disorganized and unfocused. Yes, meetings can be fun and light, and people can enjoy being around each other and interacting, but if you're calling a meeting it needs to yield something.

And, most of all, make sure that you never attend a meeting unless the host specifies an end time. Demand it. An end time allows you and the other participants to structure your day or evening more effectively.

I need to also suggest to you that you evaluate the meetings that YOU host. Are you wasting people's time? Are you starting and ending on time? Are you accomplishing anything, or just meeting to meet? Are your meetings interactive, or is it just people sitting and listening? Before you can ask others to improve their meetings, you need to step up and set the example.

If you haven't discovered it yet, time is one of your most valuable resources. When people waste your time, they hurt your morale, and that hurts your organization. Take charge.


For a good article on "Making Meetings Matter" go here.

The easiest way to make someone feel important

I have a teenage son, and navigating the ever-changing norms of that relationship is a constant challenge. Can I ask about the girlfriend, or can't I? Do I praise the B on the test, or ask if he is disappointed? It never ends, and I seldom get things just right.

When you have a teenager, the most precious resource is his undivided attention, and you never get it. The iPod, the PSP, the cell phone – they all outrank me.

Yesterday, I drove him to school. He normally takes public transportation, so this was an unusual morning where we had 15 minutes together in the car for some real conversation. It didn't have to be anything serious or deeply meaningful, but I was excited about it.

We were barely out of the driveway when he began texting his girlfriend. I'd ask him a question, and he wouldn't hear me. I finally asked if he would put the phone away so we could talk. Competing for attention with a teenage boy's girlfriend is a sad and desperate battle, but I loaded my guns.

"What's so important?" he asked with a tone. "Nothing in particular," I said. "It would just be nice if you could put the phone away and focus on me for the next 15 minutes. You can focus on her the rest of the day."

He did well for almost a mile, but the vibrating in his pocket was too much to bear. "Don't do it," I said to him as I saw his hand move toward his pocket. He resisted, and resisted, and then had to look. "Two seconds, Dad," he said as his fingers began their task.

Then, I did something very mature. I just shut down and didn't talk to him the rest of the way to school. I was annoyed because he had made me feel unimportant. All I wanted was his undivided attention for a couple of minutes, and he absolutely could not provide it.

Why am I writing about this on my student leadership blog? Because I believe that giving someone your undivided attention has become the most rare and glorious form of respect. Have you ever been talking to someone at a bar or party, thinking you're making a connection, and they are busy looking over your shoulder at everyone else? You know how crappy that makes you feel? Don't be that person. Focus on who's in front of you.

And, let me be clear... it's not just the young people with their constant addiction to glancing at their phones. Us "old folks" are getting just as bad.

The other day, I was on a short phone call with a colleague who works in a busy student affairs office. He called me to set up a speaker, but about 20 seconds after we started talking, he said, "Hold on." I could then hear him shouting to someone in his office and laughing. I can't recount exactly what he said, but as I sat on the other side of the line ignored, I remember thinking, "Wow, that sounded critical." Remember – he called me. For a good 15 seconds, I'm sitting there, waiting for him to focus on the call that he just made.

Put the phone in your pocket. Close the door. Draw the blinds. Put the barriers up so that your cluttered, over-active, attention deficit disordered brain can give the person in front of you your undivided attention for two minutes. Or ten, or 15. Whatever's appropriate.

This holiday, you will probably be home with your family. Lay off the Facebook. Put the cell phone in your room instead of your pocket. Make a conscious decision to give your family and friends the one gift that will truly make them feel special... your undivided attention.

The answer to Greek morale and unity lies in supporting small events

If you find your fraternity and sorority community continually struggling with member morale, junior and senior attrition, and a lack of Greek unity, there is something you can do. But, it's going to require a major change in how your community does business.

Many fraternity and sorority chapters, and their council communities, remain focused on doing huge events targeted to all of their members – large scale service events, big step shows, "sing" competitions, Greek Weeks. While these appeal to many (and in many cases can be a lot of fun), they don't appeal to all members, particularly for upperclassmen who have already done them more than once.

These people who don't get all jazzed up by a third year of "Greek Sing" wander away from your Greek community in search of something that fits them.

Here's what I suggest you do. This year, take a portion of your budget and invite small interest groups to apply for funding for special interest activities that will be open to all fraternity and sorority members. Maybe some Greeks will be interested in planning a small live music coffeehouse event for those members who love acoustic music. Perhaps a group will want to do an interfraternal rock-climbing trip for the outdoor enthusiasts. Whatever your members get excited about, invite them to create an avenue within your Greek community – everything from ice carving to environmentalism to book clubs.

But wait... all of this is available on our campus through other organizations. Why should we fund these niche interests within our Greek community? Because fraternity and sorority members who find these special connections within your community will STAY in your community and increase their commitment to it.

I recently came across an example of how enabling smaller, niche interests can have a powerful impact on a Greek community.

Many fraternity and sorority members at Gannon University in Northwest Pennsylvania desired a stronger connection with other Greeks who shared a strong commitment to their Christian faith. Some of these leaders recently started "LETtERS," a group open to all fraternity and sorority members seeking Christian fellowship.

It's not a Bible study, said Jackie Oesmann, a member of Alpha Sigma Tau and the Panhellenic Vice President of Public Relations. It's more of a discussion group. Recently, the members watched a clip from the movie "Elf" and used it as a discussion starter about finding your place in a group where you sometimes don't feel like you belong. It usually winds back to some relevant scripture readings. Sometimes, they even sing. Mostly, it's about giving fraternity and sorority members a safe place to share and enjoy their Christian interests.

"I think that overall, even though we've only had a few meetings, the group is a great new thing for the community and has a lot of potential," Jackie said. "Our councils ahve been working hard to promote Greek unity this year, and having people come together in a group like this definitely helps that."

Her campus offers six other faith-sharing groups, but the Greeks weren't participating, she said. "The solution was to create our own group where we could discuss things relating specifically to issues we deal with as Greeks."

Six other faith-based groups in their small campus community should have been enough, you might think. But, when an opportunity was created within their own Greek community, these fraternity and sorority members at Gannon became energized.

Imagine a dozen or so special interest "clubs" existing within your Greek community. Imagine four dozen. Imagine Greeks from all different sorts of chapters building relationships across chapter boundaries around shared interests. Imagine your members placing a higher value on their memberships because their personal needs are being met in a more meaningful way.

Imagine all the good that could come from that.

A Tale of Five Dinners

As a professional campus speaker, I am frequently asked to a dinner before or after my keynotes. Sometimes these are fun, rewarding experiences, with lots of laughs and good ideas shared. Other times, I want to take the fork off the table and jam it in my eye.

Here are five very common dinners that I experience on a regular basis.


The Dinner I Like

The advisor asks if I want to go grab a beer or a bite to eat after the program. We sit there and have a really great conversation about Student Life, families, kids, football, Chris Brown vs. Rhianna, whatever. It doesn't matter what we eat, and it feels great to make a lasting connection with a campus professional. I've had awesome dinners like this recently, one with my friend Kaye in LaCrosse, Wisconsin, and another with my pal Kelly Jo in Iowa City. It feels great to make a new friend or reconnect with an old one when you're spending a long stretch on the road.

The Other Dinner I Like

A couple of students (and sometimes an advisor) who have worked to bring me to campus want to go out for a meal before or after the program at a quiet restaurant. Since there isn't music blaring, we can hear each other as we spend time discussing issues they are facing. They know a little (or a lot) about me, and they ask my opinions. It's a small group, and I ask them about their challenges. They share honest stories from their experiences, and I give them some ideas I've come across from other campuses. Everyone is at this dinner because they want to be. I get some information that will help me in the keynote that night, or at the keynote tomorrow night at the next school.

The "Speaker as a Free Meal Ticket" Dinner

The sponsor says, "Some of the students want to take you out to eat before the program." About 14 of them show up, and they don't know a thing about me or what I'm speaking about. Then, throughout the meal, they talk among themselves about their plans for the weekend, that crazy thing that happened at the Greek Week event last night, or about who's dating whom. Everyone at the table orders the big meal because their organization is paying the bill, and most of them also order an alcoholic beverage. I sit there for the first 20 minutes trying to make a connection, even though no one is actually talking to me, and then I excuse myself to go make a phone call. I return to the dining area to see that no one is missing me, so I sit at the bar and have a conversation with the bartender. After the $400 bill is paid, half the students tell me it was nice to meet me, but they can't come to the program. They have other things to do.

The Surprise Program Dinner

I show up to a student dinner (usually at the Student Union) and find out that the staff member has actually gathered a rather large group together for a dinner program. I thought we were just eating and having casual conversation, but no. The advisor is expecting a dinner speech, and I suddenly have to pull something out of the air. And, since these students will likely be in my keynote two hours later, I have to talk about something different than what's in the main talk. Sometimes at these dinners, the students are attending because they were told they had to, and the advisor sits there and says things like, "What questions do you guys have for T.J.?" The students stare blankly at their plates. Feeling like the unwanted elderly aunt at Sunday night dinner, I lamely ask, "What are some of the biggest issues you've faced so far this academic year?" More plate staring.

The "Come Eat at Our Fraternity House" Dinner

I'm invited for dinner at a fraternity or sorority house prior to the program. I show up at the door, and the brother who answers has no idea who I am. I ask for the person I'm meeting and the young man in sweatpants and a wife-beater slurping cereal from a bowl tells me to wait in the foyer. Other brothers walk past me while I'm waiting and don't say anything to me. My host finally comes down and warmly invites me to the dining room. Six brothers are sitting at one of the tables. When we come in, they shoot us looks and finish up so they won't have to engage with us. My young host apologizes but says tonight was pot pie night and everything is gone. Would I like some cereal?

----

Honestly, the dinner is part of being a campus speaker, and it's usually a positive experience. One look at me, and you'll know that I don't turn down many dinner invitations. There are many campus visits where the dinner is an absolute blast.

But, it's a lot more rewarding for everyone when the participants actually WANT to be there. An awkward dinner with stone-faced student prisoners is a soul-sucking experience.

At this time of stretched budgets, advisors want to get the most out of a speaker's time on campus, and that makes perfect sense. Asking the speaker to have dinner to get a little bit more benefit for your students makes sense.

Whether it's a quiet dinner with staffers, or a meal with highly-engaged and interested student leaders, just make sure that you're using the time for some true benefit. Give the speaker some idea of who will be there and what's expected. Don't set up a dinner unless someone genuinely wants the extra time with the speaker.

An excellent video about how to confront

I really love this video. Makes such a good point about keeping confrontations about "what they did" and not "who they are," using race as the example.

Wanted to share it. Thanks to Steve Whitby for bringing this to my attention.

Time to be thankful

At your next meeting, start off with something different. Go around the room, and ask each member to share something for which they are thankful. Whether it's a friendship in the room, something your group has achieved this year, something in their personal life, the approach of basketball season, whatever.

Have your officers go first to set the tone. Sure, there will be a couple of sarcastic, maybe even inappropriate answers as you go around the room, but that's OK. The idea is to focus on the good stuff your members get from being a part of your organization.

If people don't know what to say, they can simply be thankful for being a member, or being alive, or for the opportunity to attend college, or for our men and women serving overseas. Let people know that they can be as personal as they want to be, or not personal at all.

Want to make it even better? After going around the room, have everyone write the thing they are thankful for on an index card, and then post those cards somewhere visible. If your group is a housed fraternity or sorority, post them by the front door. If you're a student government, post them in the student activities office. Athletic teams might post them in the locker room, or perhaps post their own card on the outside of their locker. If you're a student life staff member, post them in your break area or on your office doors. Keep that positive energy of thanks and appreciation going.

Today, our intern, Ryan, took a bulletin board and cut out a bunch of turkeys, putting the name of a staff member on each one. He then distributed five paper "feathers" to each staff member and asked them to write something they were thankful for on each feather. Staff members are busy right now putting their feathers on their birds. It was a really nice way to end our week here.

Sometimes, we get so bogged down by the challenges in our organization or in our workplace that we forget to note the simple things that make being in college and being a student leader wonderful. Give your members the opportunity to express what your organization means to them, and how the relationships they make there affect them.

Time to deliver

Someone emailed me a question this week: "What is the best advice you can give to student organizations and student life people during this time of recession, slashed budgets, and depressing economics." My first reaction was to advise that people should keep their chins up and be optimistic. But, after more thought, here's my answer.

"It's time to deliver."

No one cares about what you meant to do. No one wants to hear excuses. No one has any patience for people who whine, and under-perform.

Shut up, put in the work, and deliver something. In a current economic climate where people are three months behind on house payments, no one cares about tiny, whiny problems.

I heard this morning on the news that satisfaction with Congress is at a 12-year low in the polls right now. I'm of the opinion (and you may disagree, that's fine) that Congress is actually getting quite a bit done this session. But, I understand why the poll is showing dissatisfaction among regular Americans. When the public is pissed, worried and impatient for progress, the regular machinations of debate and deal-making annoy the public more.

When the environment is worrisome, it's also impatient and demanding. It's time to deliver.

Same thing when it comes to your organization. People (your members and your constituents) are looking for results. They don't want politics, posturing, excuses or lengthy explanations of why you can't get something done. They don't care if it's hard, or if your budget is slashed, or if you're having to work more hours. They don't want big, flashy impressive events. They want you to do your job and produce something of value.

My best advice to student organizations right now? Buckle down, and produce. Don't aim to impress. Don't take on wild new projects. Fix what's broken, focus on getting the job done. Get rid of leaders who aren't stepping up and doing their jobs. Make sure your finances are in order, and make sure you have a plan in case your dollars decline. Find economies, and say goodbye to the partnerships, the events, and the processes that drain away resources.

To student life people: appreciate the fact that you have a job, make yourself invaluable to everyone counting on you, and guide people to the other side of this mess. You need to deliver, also. Make sure your time is spent on efforts that yield visible results.

Right now, three strong achievements beat the hell out of wild plans and promises.

When you can't get anyone to run

If you hold an election, and no one runs for anything, does it make a noise?

It's not uncommon for student organizations to struggle getting qualified candidates to run for offices. Perhaps your group's morale is low. Perhaps you don't have enough members to fill the positions. Maybe this year's officers alienated everyone. Or, maybe the position is perceived by your members as a thankless one.

Here are a couple of steps for coping with the "empty chair" situation. First, the option I like the least...
• Coerce someone into taking the position. This is my least favorite solution, because someone who you beg to do a position is unlikely to take a strong personal interest in the position. If you go this route, you're better off going to someone who was an officer a year ago and is still around.

All of the following options are better, in my opinion...

• Remove all prerequisites. If your organization has counter-productive requirements – such as "all officers must have been a member of the organization for two years" – drop them. Recruit in a young, eager leader looking for a way to prove himself.

• Recruit a new member for the specific purpose of assuming the role. It's kind of fun to become a member and an officer the same day. Go out and find someone who has the skills and motivation and who is looking for a place to use them.

• Consider making it a jointly held position. Why can't you have two people serving as secretary and alternating tasks? Not ideal, but if you have members who worry about the time commitment, this might be an option.

• Eliminate the position. Divide the tasks among other officers and committee chairs.

• Let the position sit empty for a while. Maybe someone will step up a little later, and you can fill the position by appointment.

• Beef up the position. Maybe no one wants the position because it's seen as lame. Un-lame it by adding some additional responsibilities and powers.

If you're having trouble filling offices, you have options. Don't be afraid to try something new and unexpected. It could liven things up.

"Approaches to Creating a Veteran-Friendly Campus"

Following up on my posting last week about programs for veterans on your campus...

Here is a webinar called "Approaches to Creating a Veteran-Friendly Campus."

http://www.naspa.org/programs/veterans.cfm

In my mind, this is a critical issue for student affairs professionals. I know no one involved in the webinar. It's $79 for students and $179 for professionals who are members of NASPA, ASCA, or ACUHO-I.

A Powerful Lesson

Mark Sterner is not a guy you would immediately peg as one of the busiest college speakers in the country. He never set out to be a speaker, and given the choice to roll back time and change his history, he'd probably rather be selling insurance like his brother.

But, that's not the way his history unfolded. He ended up with a tragic story that has taken him to more than 1,200 colleges, universities and high schools since I first met him in 1999.

Several years ago, Mark was getting ready to graduate college. It was his senior year, and like many kids from blue-collar circumstances, he was about to become the first person in his family to graduate college. It was a time of celebration. Graduation was in sight. Mark and four of his fraternity brothers made plans to spend their Spring Break in Sanibel Island, Florida, where one of their parents had a condo.

Sanibel Island wasn't much of a Spring Break location, so each night they'd pile into the Lincoln Town Car they had rented and they would drive to the nearest bar, looking for a little fun. Each night, they'd designate a sober driver, and for the first five nights, the system worked fine.

Their Spring Break was fairly typical – maybe even a little dull compared to those of their friends who had gone to Daytona or Panama City Beach. They drank too much in the evenings, and they got sunburned from falling asleep in the sun during the days. Personal video cameras were the new, cool thing at the time, and the men taped their exploits – from shots on the condo patio to lame dancing at half-empty bars. They were all incredibly bad dancers, and the alcohol didn't help.

This story plays out every year for thousands of young college students. They safely return to the final weeks of college, their livers recovering, with memories that will last a lifetime. That's not how the story ended for Mark and his brothers.

The final night of Spring Break, no one wanted to be the designated driver a second time. It was the final night, after all, and they wanted it to be memorable. Unwisely, they decided that the least drunk among them would take the wheel on the way home. That person was Mark.

After taping their exploits in a local bar, they headed home along the dark, two-lane Florida roads that led back to their condo. The alcohol and the young male bravado took over. Mark drove too fast, eager to see what the Town Car could do.

The next thing Mark remembers is waking up in a hospital, several days later. His body was badly damaged. Three of his fraternity brothers were dead. Police waited outside his hospital room to charge him with three counts of felony manslaughter. Instead of being the first in his family to graduate college, he would be the first in his family to go to prison.

Mark's story is the ultimate example of how one bad decision can alter the entire course of a person's life. Now a felon, Mark found himself grieving his friends, coping with guilt, and pondering his destroyed life from the sterile surroundings of a minimum security prison in Florida.

For many of us, we hear Mark's story and realize that it could have happened as easily to us. But for the grace of God...

Approximately 45 nights each semester, Mark gets up in front of audiences nationwide and shares his story. I've watched from the back of the room at least a dozen times. He shows video the men took during their trip. He shows pictures of the mangled Town Car and pictures of the brothers he lost. He doesn't preach, he doesn't give motivational messages like many who have picked up the shattered pieces of their lives. He simply tells students that they need to stay vigilant and consistently make good decisions. It's a simple, straightforward message. This happened to me, and there's no reason it couldn't happen to you if you aren't smart.

Each year, we get the most passionate emails and letters from students who have been touched by Mark's story. They talk about friends they have lost to impaired driving. They tell Mark that later that year they had a night where they thought about getting behind the wheel impaired, remembered his program, and made a better decision.

It's been a long, weird journey for Mark. Frankly, I don't know how he manages to get up each evening and share the worst experience of his life. I don't know how he deals with the occasional crazy who asks him how it felt to kill his friends. I don't know why he hasn't retired his suitcases and moved on to some other, more normal way of making a living. He certainly has other opportunities. It's not as if looking at the pictures of his dead friends every night is his only option. Most in his position would have done everything possible to distance themselves.

This coming week begins National Collegiate Alcohol Awareness Week (NCAAW). I thought of writing something about why you, as a student leader, should still care about promoting awareness and prevention of alcohol abuse. The tragedies caused by alcohol and poor judgment are real.

Instead, I decided to celebrate Mark. After a decade, he's still our busiest speaker, and probably the one on our roster I admire the most. The number of lives he's saved is countless.

He will be busy this NCAAW speaking to audiences in Texas, D.C., Alabama, Pennsylvania, and New York. Like Mark, we need to stay vigilant in helping young people understand the power of good personal choices. History need not repeat itself.

Make changes now to avoid endless elections

If you are that rare and beautiful student organization that has an efficient and effective elections process, then skip this entry. If you're one of the majority of student organizations that has an elections process that's as much fun as a root canal, this is for you.

If it takes you longer than a 2-hour meeting to elect new officers, you should start working now to implement some changes to improve your process. Some people love a long and drawn-out election meeting, but the rest of us (with a life) think it's dreadful. Dreadful. Dreadful.

First, a note. I hate the concept of "slating" officers. I think it's unfair and suggests that a small group of people know better than the entire group being led. I am a fan, however, of having qualifications for those running for office (grade point averages, first and foremost), and having a process by which people become candidates. But, if four people want to run for Treasurer, I think all four should be given a chance to throw their hats in.

Here are my suggestions. Your advisor might have many more.

1. Make people register their candidacy at least two weeks in advance. Knowing who is running for offices allows the necessary conversations to happen before the election meeting. A little campaigning is a good thing. Maybe even offer some informal gatherings where people can ask the candidates questions. The two-week registration forces people to be thoughtful about running, but it also allows people to approach each candidate to ask questions. Better that they do that informally, person-to-person, than during an 8 hour elections marathon meeting. I think a group organically vetting its candidates is more fair than a slating process which is almost always biased.

2. If people want to run for multiple offices, let them file candidacies for all of those positions. Chances are, someone who puts his name in the hat for multiple offices won't be elected to any of them. You'll need to decide on a process for how you'll handle it if a person wins more than one office. For example, letting the person choose which office she wants then having a run-off for the other office she won. This might require a bylaw change, so think it through.

3. Allow the candidates to submit a written statement (200 words or less) that outlines their qualifications, their motivations for running, and their priorities if elected. Or, do it as a 3-5 point questionnaire that each candidate can fill out with brief answers. Then, distribute these to all members via website or some other means at least a week in advance of the meeting.

4. At the elections meeting, allow each candidate to nominate someone to speak on their behalf for 2 minutes. Or, allow the candidate him/herself to speak for 2 minutes. You do not need to allow time for people to speak "against" candidates. That's counter-productive. All the negatives will have circulated informally in the two weeks proceeding. Your elections should not be a vehicle for ripping people down or discrediting their leadership talents or motives.

5. If you have more than 8 officers, elect them in two batches: your top four officers at the first elections meeting, then the others at the subsequent meeting. This beats one long, draining meeting.

6. Knowing your candidates in advance allows you to do ballots which can be done at the conclusion of your elections meeting. You don't need to do voting for each office independently – that's a giant time suck.

There are probably lots of other ideas people have on how to streamline elections. If you have one, email it to me, and I'll feature it in a future posting.

My main point, however, is that if your elections are a draining, monotonous, exhausting process, then you need to start laying some groundwork NOW to make it better. If you need to make changes to your constitution or bylaws to improve the process, now is the time to do it.

Elections for many organizations are a month or so away, so take the initiative immediately to improve your process.

Soldier Send-offs, a great program idea

While at the University of Wisconsin Stevens Point last week, I had the opportunity to speak to the president of their Veterans Club. I haven't come across many of these groups, but I imagine that after nearly a decade of wars in both Iraq and Afganistan, we're going to be seeing many more on campuses across the country.

I asked him what sort of events his group does, and he told me that their most successful event of the year was a Soldier Send-off. Basically, they gathered a bunch of the men and women who were soon to ship off for the Middle East and they did a big celebration event for them. They invited local veterans, families with loved ones serving, and the families of those about to be deployed. Then, they invited other groups on campus to come support their student soldiers. He said that turn-out was fantastic.

As part of the event, they also gave out lists of students who were currently serving in the military and several organizations "adopted" a student soldier. Presumably, the groups would then send care packages and notes of encouragement and support to their fellow students serving overseas.

I know an amazing idea when I hear one. How wonderful it would be if campuses all around the country held similar events to honor the men and women in their student body who have served, are preparing to serve, and who are away from campus, serving currently. It's an event that every organization on campus could get behind.

Wednesday, November 11 is Veterans Day, and a perfect opportunity to plan something of this nature. You might also check with your athletic department to see if they will be doing any sort of veteran-focused half-time observance the Saturday before or after Veterans Day (many do) and see if you can add something to that event.

Merging student organizations?

Do you follow business news? Consolidations and mergers are commonplace. Delta Airlines absorbs Northwest. Whole Foods digests Wild Oats. Television's WB and UPN networks merge to become the CW.

It's not an easy game, merging cultures from different companies. The big goal is to form one larger, more powerful company that can make more money and achieve more in the marketplace. It's not easy, and success is not guaranteed, but the potential is enormous.

Does consolidation make sense sometimes in the world of student organizations?

I was at one campus recently that had four tiny organizations, all trying to serve international students. All four groups had tiny budgets and were cannibalizing each other with competing events aimed at the same small, specific campus population. I asked them why they didn't just merge into one bigger International Student Organization and streamline their leadership, events, and meetings. By merging their budgets and becoming the singular organization representing international students on their campus, they'd have more clout when lobbying for campus activity funding.

As we discussed it, they were skeptical. The Asian students don't necessarily mix with the Latin students, they said. When I suggested that the new organization could have different groups within the same umbrella (still have events for the Asian students, other events for the Latin students, and new events for the African students, etc.), they seemed puzzled. We've somehow accepted that every mission in student activities calls for an independent student organization. This is not the only option.

I recently chatted with an acquaintance about how two struggling fraternities could merge on his campus. The two small fraternities in question got along well, and were very similar in make-up and values. But the groups were struggling because they had a hard time maintaining their respective houses. Why not merge, I asked? Either have two groups sharing one house, or do a true merger and give up one of the charters. Wouldn't it be better to have one fraternity that is able to compete than two that are constantly hovering near demise?

Certainly, merging groups can be a challenge. Some members will never endorse such a move, and they will drop off. There will be leadership challenges. Whose traditions and events survive? How do we put past differences behind us? Do we retain one of the groups' name, or do we come up with something entirely new?

The only way to figure out if it would work would be to begin the "what if" conversation. It can happen confidentially, and it should include key leaders and their advisors. It's important during these discussions to focus on the new possibilities the merger presents. More money, more members, a chance to build a new, stronger organization that can do exciting things.

For advisors reading this blog: is consolidation something we should be encouraging more often? Would it be more productive (and easier?) to advise one effective group rather than four ineffective ones? As advisors, why don't we suggest this idea to struggling groups, then help them figure out how to do it?

It's time to check your progress and momentum

Welcome to Week Five. Ladies and Gentlemen, it's the end of the honeymoon.

This is typically the week when everyone's academic reality comes crashing down after a brutal set of exams. The freshmen start missing home and those boyfriends and girlfriends they left there. The student activities folks are exhausted from the last month and a half of constant work.

Maybe, if you're lucky, you have Homecoming or some other fall festival weekend to ease the pain, but the weather is turning colder, sunset is coming earlier, and all that beautiful "start of the year momentum" has waned.

By now, you have a pretty good idea how your football team is doing, and the majority of you realize that your record is going to be pretty much like last year's. You'll probably notice people starting to blow off the games this weekend or next.

I don't mean to be depressing, but dear student leaders, now is when you need to start cranking up the motivation machine. You've coasted as far as the start of the year will take you, and now you should be getting some real work done. Your group should be knee deep in projects, events and the routines of achieving your mission.

Check in with your fellow officers. See how they are doing – or if they are actually DOING anything. It's a good time to gather opinions, check back on those goals you set at your retreat. Have plans been finalized? Have some first steps been taken? Any early successes we can celebrate? Any leaders not stepping up?

It's a good time to have that executive board meeting around a few plates of sliders at the local Denny's. Leave the agenda behind and just talk. What can we realistically accomplish in the next two months before we elect new officers? What's working, and what isn't?

Name three things that your members can be looking forward to. If you can't think of three obvious things, do something about it.

When NOT to send an email

In a college world where break-ups happen by Facebook message, it's valuable to acknowledge that there are still some situations when an email is not the best way to communicate. If you're one of those student leaders who does everything by email, text message or wall post, take a moment to consider 10 situations when you should find a better way to communicate.

1. You want to send a heartfelt thanks or apology. Sincerity is the key in both situations, and an email or a "thanks, you rock" text message doesn't convey much. If you want to really, sincerely thank someone, say it to their face, write a short note, send a small gift, or stand up at a meeting and say something nice about the person. If you need to apologize, be a big person and do it face to face. "I'm sorry I slept with your roommate. Forgive me" on a text message isn't going to get the job done.

2. You haven't spoken in a long time. If you've fallen out of touch with someone and then you suddenly send an email asking for something, it speaks volumes about the nature of your relationship. Picking up the phone and having a real conversation that conveys your sincerity will make all the difference, plus it gives you a chance to re-establish the relationship.

3. Your request isn't crucial to the recipient. Guess what? Your important email isn't the most important thing the Vice President of Student Affairs has to deal with today! It's important to you, but it's just one of 80 messages she has received today, and while she likes you, it's not the thing on the top of her to-do list. She read your FB message on a 5-minute break from a meeting and will forget it completely an hour from now. If you need a response badly, then put it in front of the person in a more urgent way.

4. You have enormous files to send. Only send big files via email if the person asks you to. That gigantic attachment could clog their account, end up in a spam filter, or tie up his iPhone for 10 minutes downloading.

5. You want to keep something confidential. If you haven't learned this one yet, you will, eventually. What seems like a private conversation now can become a public mess with the purposeful or accidental click of the "forward" button. Email lasts forever. Your status with the recipient of that email might not. Be careful.

6. You need an immediate reply. Texting helps with this, because right now, people feel like they are more urgent. That won't last forever. People used to pounce on emails the moment they came in. Some still do, but others barley check email at all. If you need an immediate response, find the person, or have a Plan B.

7. You're trying to build consensus among leaders. There are some subjects that simply should be discussed in a group setting – where people can bounce ideas around, play off each other, and yes, argue a bit. Email is not a good place to build consensus on a subject because people read emails at different times. It's not a conversation where everyone gets to participate equally or simultaneously. It's OK to put out the information necessary for a discussion ahead of time, but have the discussion in person, or on a conference call. You need to recognize when an email string has moved into the realm of a meeting agenda item.

8. The subject is complicated. If it seems too complicated to write in an email, then it is. Emails are not meant to be intense and intricate. Talk it out in person so the topic gets the explanation it deserves.

9. Things could get tense. Emotion and attitude are very difficult to convey in an email, or heaven forbid, in a text. If you're writing when you're emotional, you could say things you don't mean, without the benefit of body language and non verbal cues. Feelings get bent out shape quickly when fiery messages fly around. Just avoid it.

10. Email caused the problem in the first place. If your message or someone else's has caused a stir, move it off the Internet. You'll just make matters worse by firing back a response, inappropriately sharing their message, etc.


This blog post is based off material I gathered from Margaret McDonald, a wonderful writer, trainer and consultant whose blog can be found at www.MissCommunications.com. If you're looking for someone to train your group on the do's and don'ts of electronic communication, check out her website at www.SmartPeopleAtWork.com. Margaret gave me permission to tweak her material for my blog. Thanks, Margaret.

Act your age

This one is for the alumni out there.

I want to tell you about a little journey I've been taking. When you're a professional speaker, you go through a sort of progression. In my 20's, I was all about "being one of them" to the students. I wanted to dress like them, look their age, and speak on their level. I could talk about sex and dating, for example, and the students were right there with me.

It got harder as I neared 30, but fortunately, I was usually able to pull it off most of the time. A well-placed reference to that summer's big teenage movie (I specifically remember forcing myself to watch "Road Trip") worked wonders. Even as my life started to move toward more mature, adult things like financial planning, buying a house, and having a kid – I worked hard to make sure I didn't lose touch with the student set. It was definitely an act, though. I couldn't keep up with their musical tastes, and I didn't want to. I didn't think getting drunk three nights a week was normal, anymore, and I wasn't laughing along with the stories of idiotic behavior. I was getting a little "judgey."

Another funny thing – I had to stop talking about sex and dating altogether. I couldn't even make casual references. College students are repulsed by the idea that anyone over 35 has sex, ever. Take my word for it – students groan and squirm in their seats at the slightest suggestion.

Now, I'm 40, and it's over. I'm their dad. As a professional speaker in my 40's raising a teenager of my own, I've had to morph into something much different than I was 15 years ago. In 15 years, I went from being one of them, to being their cool older brother, to being an ancient relic. When I tell fraternity audiences that I was initiated in 1987, before they were born, they look at me like I'm one of their founders.

I had to embrace the fact that students were seeing me differently, and I needed to stop trying to be their cool buddy. I had to rewrite my programs and change all my jokes. I had to speak to them as what I was – a smart adult with something to say. I had something to teach them. I stopped trying to speak at their level, because I was somewhere higher. I had to embrace that.

I write about this, today, because a colleague suggested I write about those alumni who simply haven't learned this lesson yet. They come to events and try to be cool by acting like they are still 22. I cringe when I see them – men in their 40's at campus or leadership events who are trying hard to be "one of the boys."

Dude, you're not 22 anymore. You're not fooling anyone. Enabling the "boys will be boys" crap is counter productive. Oh, and by the way, everyone over 30 in the room thinks you're being a tool.

I've seen a past national president of a fraternity act this way recently. He was ogling young sorority women and saying the most embarrassing things to the younger men as he bought them beer and encouraged their worst behavior. Funny thing was, he thought he was being cool with the young men. I could tell they were laughing at him, not with him. The staff members of his fraternity were in visible pain watching him, unable to stop him.

It was humiliating.

Here's what I wanted to say to him. "You have a lot to offer. Be a role model. Show these young men what they can grow up to be. Stop acting like you stopped maturing around age 24. Show them what manhood looks like."

I'm not saying you have to launch into lectures. I'm not saying you have to be their father.

Just be yourself, and embrace the fact that you can be relevant without being one of them. College students have their own buddies, their own age. They don't need you to fill that gap for them. You can't do it, anyway.

What many students crave are role models and mentors to whom they can relate. Try it. You might like it.

Why I didn't join a fraternity, at first

When I arrived at Indiana University, I fell in love with a house. A physical structure.

Across from the law school on Third Avenue sat the Acacia fraternity house. It was three stories tall with a gray stone facade. About a dozen two-story white columns dominated the front of the mansion, and a beautiful green lawn stretched out to Third. It was breath taking.

I had no idea what Acacia was. I knew nothing about fraternities. As I passed the house those first few days, I would just stare at the building and the young men going in and out. I was fascinated. I couldn't believe that undergraduates like me could live there. If a young man from that fraternity had approached me those first few days, I would have been hooked.

My love affair ended soon enough. I found out it was a fraternity, and my friends at the residence hall told me that pledges there were made to do all sorts of humiliating things. I have no idea if it was actually true. True or false, I believed what they said that evil things lurked behind the doors of Acacia and the other fraternities I passed each day.

Having just turned 16 (I went to college very early), I was petrified of older guys ordering me around and humiliating me. I heard stories of fraternity pledges doing naked, sexually-oriented activities. I had flashbacks to fourth grade when a neighborhood bully would routinely humiliate me in front of other kids at the bus stop, and I shuddered at the idea of putting myself in that situation again. Nothing was worth that.

I didn't even have a word for "hazing" at the time, but I knew I didn't want to be mistreated. I didn't have the self esteem for that. I didn't want anyone yelling at me. I wasn't interested in mopping floors at 2 a.m., or doing pushups. So, I didn't join Acacia, and I didn't consider joining any other fraternity. I found other things to do, like writing for the student newspaper, which I loved.

In the coming year, I would watch pledges from Beta Theta Pi across the street from my residence hall being harassed. From the Journalism building, we could watch the Sigma Chi pledges marching and dressed alike. If those young men were having fun or enjoying themselves, I couldn't see it. I felt good about my decision to avoid the fraternities at Indiana. I didn't see anything I liked.

Of course, I did end up being a fraternity man. A pretty active one, in fact. I joined a group that was chartering a couple of years later, in part because I knew that I wouldn't be hazed. I would have a chance to make friends and do important things, without any of the garbage that other new members routinely endured on my campus in the late Eighties.

As we begin National Hazing Prevention Week, I offer this story, humbly. I have every reason to believe that the groups I've mentioned here are now amazing chapters who treat their new members better than they did in 1988.

But, I wonder how many other young men walk on our campuses, and view fraternities from a place of fear. I wonder how many, like me, see the beautiful houses and the excited young men walking in and out the doors, and decide that fraternities aren't for them. So many bright and hard-working young men who could make amazing contributions to fraternities, but hazing scares them away. They just can't sign up for humiliation.

Some who read this might be fine with that. Perhaps, you think, I wasn't strong enough to be a fraternity man. If I wasn't willing to suffer a bit, then I wasn't fraternity material. I would argue the other side. Just as you disrespect a man who couldn't tolerate hazing, I found myself (and still find myself) disrespecting anyone who would.

For years after joining the fraternity movement, professionally, I would seek out the men who ran Acacia. I wanted to know them, because in the back of my mind, I remembered that initial infatuation with their beautiful house on Third Avenue. I found them to be good and honorable men.

"I almost joined Acacia at Indiana," I would tell them. "You should have," they'd tell me. "Why didn't you?" I didn't explain, because by then it felt silly. I was older, more confident, less fearful. I would simply think to myself that had hazing not existed at Indiana back then, I might be one of their brothers.

It's not enough to stop hazing in our chapters. That's the first step. After we have found better ways to build our brotherhoods, we have to reach out to the young men arriving on campus and let them know that brotherhood isn't about hurting people. It's not about servitude and being humiliated. It's about something better. It's a place where a young man, unsure of himself, can gain confidence and a place to belong.

Once we have turned our undergraduate chapters into something admirable, we need to put the truth in front of them and fight back against decades of cautionary tales.

I love fraternity, and I hate that I almost missed out on it. Let's get rid of hazing, re-educate our communities, and make sure we never miss out on a good guy again.

Encourage dissent, but stay on offense

There will come a time when you, dear student leader, will promote something that is not entirely popular. Maybe it will be a dues increase, or a decision to cosponsor something with a controversial group on campus. Perhaps you will have to cancel an event, take a stand against a group of your own members, or go head-to-head with the college administration.

If you are doing meaningful, meaty things, then dissent is part of the deal. You'd be smart to simply expect it, plan for it, and encourage it. I've been reminding myself of this as I watch the folks protesting President Obama this past weekend in D.C.. I think they're nuts, but I also understand that any good fight has to have sides.

Notice that President Obama is on the offense. Like him or not, he's out there aggressively selling his ideas. He's getting in front of people. He's demanding that the conversation take place. He's not sitting at the White House nursing a bruised ego, crying that people aren't loving his every idea. He's out there throwing punches.

If you're going to do something controversial as a student leader, you had better be ready to play the same game. Be ready to sit down for that newspaper interview. Be ready to stand up for your point of view in small meetings in coffee shops and in people's apartments. Make your argument to key leaders and opinion shapers. Be ready to have someone call you a nasty name, or insult your leadership. Smile as a few punches land squarely on your chin.

If you simply sit around and whine that your opponents are wrongheaded and unfair, you're going to lose, or you're going to have to concede a lot more than you want to. Don't be annoyed that people are arguing with you. Go out there and win over the hearts and minds. Throw punches of your own.

While your opponents are getting emotional and hysterical, listen to their concerns, address them, and validate any good points they bring up. At the same time, offer the facts, promote your ideas, and give people the context of the issue. You won't necessarily change the minds of your vocal opponents, but you might win over the folks in the middle, and that's who matters.

Stay in control. Direct the conversation. Stay on offense.

In a basketball game, there's the guy with the ball in his hand, and there's the guy waving his arms around hoping for a block. Be the guy with the ball.

Add a little sizzle to your service

In a perfect world, everybody would love volunteering – getting their hands dirty, so to speak, by helping others. In a perfect world, our service projects would be our most popular events. Our members and other students would pick up trash, spend time with seniors, paint the local Boys and Girls Club, and walk pets waiting to be adopted. We all know that service makes you feel good, and it helps others. Should be the biggest no-brainer in the history of the Earth.

But anyone who has organized a service event knows that it's not so simple. People treat community service like tax planning and eating right – we know we should do it, we know it would be good for us, but it's not something we necessarily want to do right now.

As a student leader charged with organizing a service activity, you have two choices. You can either stomp around, pout about the apathy of your members, guilt people into showing up, and plead for them to see the good they can do in the world. Or, you can make service projects more fun and appeal to other motivations. I assert that the latter works a lot better.

For several years, I worked for Push America, the national service project of my fraternity. One of the first lessons I learned was that young men had the capacity to care deeply about serving children with disabilities, but sometimes you had to get them in the door another way. Today, Push America runs three summer-long bike trips with hundreds of young fraternity men riding their bikes coast to coast. Along the way, they interact and serve people with disabilities. I believe it's the most amazing example of collegiate service in the country, and the men who participate emerge profoundly affected by the experience and the people they serve along the way.

But, the people at Push America will readily admit that the "sizzle" of spending your summer biking across the country is what gets most of the guys in the door. They are drawn in by the challenge, by the achievement, by the cool uniforms, by the once-in-a-lifetime experience. They are drawn in by 20 years of photos like the one above of my friend and fraternity brother Patrick hoisting his bike above his head in front of the U.S. Capitol. The service "high" is what they take away, but the sizzle brings many of them to the table.

There are countless other examples. You may be raising money for the amazing work of St. Jude's Children's Research Hospital, but the idea of being "Up Til Dawn" having fun with your friends is part of the motivation. You might be helping end leukemia or breast cancer, but the challenge of running that mini-marathon is the fuel in the engine.

You have to find the sizzle! People like to work out, but there's a reason why they sign up at the shiny new 24Hour Super Mega Fitness that just opened. It looks so cool, doesn't it? You could work out at the rec center, but that wouldn't be half as fun would it?

If you want to boost participation and interest in your community service events, consider these suggestions:

• Consider giveaways to people who participate. Everyone who shows up gets a coupon for a free burrito from the place down the street who agreed to cosponsor the service event. What about tshirts, or water bottles, or even ribbons the participants can wear the rest of the day?

• Make your service event a coed event, if it isn't already. It's terrific that your men's basketball team is going to visit the residents at the local seniors center. But why not involve the cheerleaders, and the women's hockey team? Adding a social element makes it more fun for everyone.

• End your event with some sort of meal or a gathering at a local watering hole. Again, adding a social element is very motivating, as is promise of food and drink. Especially if it's free. Go out and get that co-sponsorship from the local joint that would love to be full of students eating and drinking at 4 pm.

• Make sure there is a goal and a sense of achievement at the end of the project. By the time those cyclists ride up to the Capitol, they are in ecstacy! All those miles totally feel worth it for that amazing final moment. How does your service event end? Is it with cheering children outside a freshly painted facility or with a lame fizzle? When you're planning your service event, you need to know how the event will culminate. Make the ending exciting. Very important.

• If you can, involve the people you are serving in the project. Painting the Boys and Girls Club is so much more fun and rewarding when you're painting it with the kids who go there.

• Add games and an element of competition. Have contests throughout the service event. Spontaneous dance contests during breaks. Awards for groups who turn out dressed in costumes. Use the uneaten donuts from the morning in a donut toss contest.

• Make it seem like a party. Why is it that you hire photographers to walk around snapping pictures at parties, but you don't hire a photographer to walk around snapping pictures during your cool service event? Always have a music. Hell, hire a DJ!

These are just a few ideas. Leading service projects is one of the coolest student leadership opportunities available, particularly when you understand that there is a large degree of salesmanship in the job done right. You need to get people in the door with the sizzle, give them a fantastic feeling while they are participating, and send them home excited about the next opportunity to serve.