Planning for alumni events

On November 13, I will have been an initiated member of my fraternity for 20 years. Damn, I'm old. But, I hadn't received any sort of invitation from my Pi Kappa Phi chapter at Indiana University for any sort of gathering to acknowledge the event. Homecoming came and went, and I was feeling a little disappointed that they totally missed the chance to celebrate a cool anniversary.

Well, today, an invitation arrived in the mail for a celebration on the weekend of November 17. I took back every nasty thought that had entered my brain. Those little bastards did care, after all, bless them! I hadn't thought that they'd do an event closer to the actual anniversary... I just assumed that they would do something at Homecoming. At Indiana, that's when all the alumni events are held.

ANYWAY, the point of this post is that I got this invitation with 17 days notice. Frankly, when you want alumni to attend something, particularly something that's not already on their radar screen, you need to give a hell of a lot more notice than 17 days. I know that in the student world, two weeks is an eternity. Seventeen days is like an entire pay period or one really hot and heavy quickie college romance.

Frankly, I would have liked to have known about this event in early September. Two months would have still been a challenge for me, given family events, work, conferences, and more.

How early should you invite alumni to an event? I say 60 days, minimum, unless you only want the usual suspects who can drive to your campus in an hour or less to attend. If you expect people to buy airline tickets and plan time away from business and family, you have to plan far in advance. If you can give more notice, give more. The ideal thing is to get the word out via email blasts several months in advance, then send out your printed invites 45-60 days ahead of time.

Fortunately, the things I had on my calendar that weekend were not terribly important. I really want to see my brothers from 20 years ago, so I freed myself up. I snatched one of the last seats on a Frontier Airlines flight to Indianapolis for under $400. Hotel was a nightmare. I can't get a hotel within 20 miles of Bloomington, Indiana. I finally found a place about a half hour's drive away. If I had been given more notice, I could have landed a nice room minutes from campus.

Now, I can't drink because I have to get in a damn rental car and drive a half hour back to my hotel room. Damn it!

So, dear student planner, give your alumni some notice. We plan our life events much further in advance than students do – it prolongs our death, you see. I know it's annoying and it doesn't sync well with the spontaneity of the college student lifestyle, but if you want us "old folks" to come around, support you, and pass along all that cool tradition stuff, you have to play the game our way from time to time.

South Carolina mourning

It's been a rough week to watch the news. First the California wildfires, and now the Ocean Isle, NC, house fire that claimed the lives of seven students from the University of South Carolina and Clemson University.

The students who died in the beach house fire were: Justin Anderson, Travis Cale, Lauren Mahon, Cassidy Pendley, William Rhea, Allison Walden, and Emily Yelton. Mahon, Pendley and Walden were members of Delta Delta Delta sorority, and Anderson and Cale were members of Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity. Yelton was a Delta Zeta sorority member from Clemson University. No fraternity affiliation has been listed for Rhea, a USC freshman.

One of the survivors, Tripp Wylie, was on the Today Show this morning talking about his friends (and girlfriend) who perished in the fire, and it was so hard to watch. Even Matt Lauer looked choked up during the interview.



You can find very comprehensive coverage on the website of the student newspaper The State here.

If you would like to send condolences to the USC Greek community, here's the address:

The University of South Carolina Office of Greek Life 1400 Greene Street Columbia SC 29208

Alcohol: Just another ploy by the white man!

It's National Collegiate Alcohol Awareness Week, and alcohol is on my mind. So, I thought I'd share this amusing story I found on the CNN website about the origins of New York City. Seems our nation's largest city might not even exist if the "white man" hadn't been handing out drinks.

In 1609, the Dutch sent English explorer Henry Hudson westward for a third attempt at finding the fabled Northeast Passage. A near mutiny forced him southward, and upon reaching land, he encountered members of the Delaware Indian tribe.

To foster good relations, Hudson shared his brandy with the tribal chief, who soon passed out. But upon waking up the next day, he asked Hudson to pour some more for the rest of his tribe. From then on, the Indians referred to the island as Manahachtanienk -- literally, "The High Island."

And not "high" as in "tall;" high as in "the place where we got drunk." That island is what's now known as Manhattan.

Have we gotten a bit too casual about our t-shirts?

I've pretty much grown immune to Greek t-shirts that reference drugs, alcohol, and/or sex. After a couple of decades, I'm used to it, and it takes something pretty raunchy to even catch my notice.

The t-shirt in the picture is a pretty harmless example of the average Greek t-shirt I see out there. This one was for a fraternity philanthropy to raise money to fight ALS that involved swingsets. "Go High or Go Home" was the theme, and there you see a young man and woman in their swings. Of course, once you realize the date of the event is 4/20, going "high" takes on a special meaning. Clever fraternity men!

This shirt is very tame, as far as Greek t-shirts go. But since it's National Alcohol Awareness Week, the shirt reminded me how casual we've become about associating our letters with drugs and alcohol. We think it's cute and harmless. We chuckle. I bet the designers of this shirt didn't think that anyone over age 25 would get the "4-20" reference.

Swing high for ALS, my friends, but then I'm assuming that your chapter enjoys the weed. Use an alcohol reference for your recruitment t-shirt, and I assume your brotherhood is full of drunks.

Your t-shirts are the basis of your community reputation. When I see a sorority woman wearing a t-shirt that demeans women, fairly or unfairly, I make assumptions about that woman's self esteem.

Is there something we can do – short of enacting yet another policy – that discourages this sort of thing? It seems to me to be one of the simplest steps we can take to clean up our image in our campus communities.

Do you know a problem drinker?

Someone is a "problem drinker" when their drinking is causing problems. How simple is that? It's one of the best lessons I learned from my years working for the BACCHUS Network in the early 90's.

If you have a friend who consistently experiences negative consequences from his or her drinking episodes, then he or she is a problem drinker. This could include: injuries, incidences of violence, ill-advised hookups of any kind, damaged friendships/relationships, failed commitments, physical sickness, blackouts, violation of policies, getting in trouble with the law, and more.

College students tend to have a higher threshold of tolerance for problem drinking behavior in their friends. One thing we can all do this National Collegiate Alcohol Awareness Week is to question whether the problems our friends are experiencing when drinking are truly "normal college behavior." Is it normal to lose your job because you've missed work three times due to hangovers? Is it normal that he or she ruins romantic relationships repeatedly by going into drunken rages? How many problems will you allow your friend to have before you express concern?

Is your friend an alcoholic? I don't know. Actual alcoholism is a much larger mental and physical issue. I'm not even sure how alcoholism is diagnosed. But many people who are not alcoholics can still be problem drinkers.

The good news is that a problem drinker can take immediate and effective steps to change his or her behavior. You've heard the now-cliche statement that "the first step is admitting you have a problem." Well, sometimes this admission is what it takes to get a problem drinker back on a track of better choices. Maybe all he or she needs is a positive, constructive confrontation from a friend.

Do you know someone who experiences problems as a result of his or her drinking? If so, that person is a problem drinker. If you are truly a friend, you owe it to your friend to express concern and offer assistance.

Remember the non-drinkers at your next function

There are lots of reasons why people don't drink at parties. Many people simply don't like to drink and never (or almost never) do. Some are being responsible sober drivers. Some avoid it for physical training or religious reasons. Some of your friends might be recovering from addictions they acquired before even arriving at college. Some people, believe it or not, feel wrong drinking underage.

A really great thing to discuss at an upcoming social committee meeting is this: "What are we providing for the people who CHOOSE not to drink at our parties?" Providing non-alcoholic options for the non-drinkers is not only the responsible thing to do, whether you are planning a basic party, a tailgate, or an alumni event. Providing these non-alcoholic drinks for free to your participants is kind of classy, and it sends the important message that not drinking is a valid choice.

There are many stories about people who went to a party, planning to be a sober driver for their friends, who ended up drinking because there literally was no other choice. It's also important for those who might have drank alcohol earlier in the evening, but who are tryng to sober up before the end of their evening.

Think about: sodas, bottled water, energy drinks, bottled teas, etc. If you are in a fraternity or sorority, take note that there is not a single national or campus policy that prevents you from supplying non-alcoholic drinks in any social situation.

By the way, this week is National Collegiate Alcohol Awareness Week (NCAAW). This is a tremendous week to spend time thinking about how your organization deals with alcohol and your members' use or abuse of it.

Reconsider that Halloween costume idea

Halloween is coming, and all over the U.S., clueless students will go out in public with racially or culturally insensitive costumes to mark the occasion. Watch for the Facebook pictures beginning October 28. Someone will dress in blackface. White boys will don turbans and dress as "terrorists."

I'm actually looking forward to the gay Dumbledore outfits. I might do that one myself.

So, now would be a good time to approach your student newspaper and do a preemptive article encouraging students to avoid costumes that play to stereotypes. Have your fraternity and sorority leaders make announcements this week at their meetings that culturally offensive costumes will not be permitted at any Halloween-themed events. That sort of thing.

Inevitably, we will see articles in the national press the week of and the week after Halloween about some stupid guys dressed as the "Jena 6" with nooses. It's coming; mark my words. Or maybe some group of geniuses will dress up with "nappy headed" afro wigs and Rutgers jerseys. This will be followed by on campus demonstrations and claims by the young men that they were just trying to be funny. Unsuccessfully.

Halloween is a fun time, but the fun gets sucked out of it when people offend others with (what they believe to be) clever costume ideas. Spread the word now that people should avoid the temptation. We live in a world where photos fly around the nation on the Internet in minutes. You don't want your friends spending November receiving death threats and hate mail.

Personally, I'm off to Toys 'R Us to buy four baby dolls and four baby carriers. I'm going as Kevin Federline this year.

You had it made, until he got laid...

So, everything was fine, and then suddenly one of your officers did something completely stupid and unforgivable. He got a girlfriend. She got a boyfriend. He dumped his girlfriend because he suddenly got a boyfriend. What do you do when a perfectly productive officer suddenly falls in love and loses her mind?

Hey, it happens. And frankly, there aren't too many stories that end with the student leader falling in love, then tearfully breaking it off with Prince Charming because there's that goal-setting retreat that simply has to take priority. Get my drift? If you expect your officer to choose his responsibilities over love, infatuation, excitement, and possibly life-changing sex, you're delusional. If he would move mountains for his new girlfriend, he'll certainly push off a few deadlines and tasks you've assigned him.

So, the best thing to do is to be supportive, for a while. Let him talk about the new woman. Let her gush about the new guy. Meet the new hot thing in his life and be friendly. Invite the new boyfriend to an event, or maybe take the lovebirds out for a meal. Don't be hurt because suddenly your officer is prioritizing hormones over committee meetings. Don't become the spurned lover who feels neglected. That's just silly.

Usually, things will chill a bit after a week or two, and the hot couple will either flame out, or they'll settle down a bit. If your officer ignores responsibilities for a week or two, you can compensate. If it continues for longer, then have a conversation. Ask him if he can handle both sets of demands in his life? If not, ask him to move aside and let someone else take over. If she can't handle an officer's job and a boyfriend, then deal with the situation.

Hey, love is grand. Feeling wanted and sexually satisfied? Doesn't get much better than that, let me tell ya. If you are running your organization effectively, it doesn't live or die by the efforts (or lack thereof) of any one officer or leader. You can't always make your organization everyone's Number One priority.

Chances are, your officer will get her head on straight and will come back to reality soon enough. Hell, she might even act like a more well-adjusted person with a better attitude (getting a little lovin' can do that to people). Or, she might quit, rent a U-Haul, and move in with the new girlfriend. Whatevah! These things happen.

It's a lesson worth learning as a leader. Sometimes your best people need a little room to live their lives. Give them that room, and they can often reward you with increased commitment, dedication, and effort.

And, who knows. Maybe his hot new girlfriend has a friend...

Virginia Tech: 6 months later

Last night, I spoke to Greeks at Virginia Tech. It was a pretty standard program, and the students were awesome (as always). But, a few moments I spent after the program were what I'll remember. Yesterday was the six month anniversary of the shootings at Virginia Tech that claimed 32 lives and the life of a student gunman.

I spoke in Burruss Hall, which is right next to Norris Hall, where 30 of the killings occurred. In front of Burruss Hall, on the Drill Field, is a temporary memorial to the victims. At the place where a makeshift memorial grew after the incident, the university has constructed a very nice temporary memorial. 32 pieces of "Hokie Stone" are arranged in a semi-circle, each with the name of a victim. There are also 32 bushes. It's quite simple, but very touching. (The photo above is the architect's rendering, which will give you an idea.)

Last night, there were dozens of students sitting at the dimly-lit memorial. Candles were burning in front of each stone. Letters, flowers and other mementos had been left by grieving friends and family members. One letter that touched me especially was a letter from a young woman to her friend, a victim named Leslie. In the letter, she said, "Do you remember your last run? I ran that route today, the first time since that day, and it felt really good." Wow.

There were several people crying, seated in front of the stones, heads down in prayer or reflection. Lots of arms around shoulders. It was quiet – you could literally feel the weight that this university community is bearing.

In six months, I'm sure that the media trucks will be out in full force. On April 16, you'll be able to tune into CNN and see speeches and other tributes. But last night, the media was nowhere to be found, and I was thankful for the opportunity to share a small, quiet moment with this suffering community.

The university held an event earlier in the day called "Engage." I don't know much about the event, but I was told that students were being asked to commit to 10 hours of service to the university and/or Blacksburg community as a tribute to the victims.

I saw a sign on the way home after my visit. It said, "The Hokie spirit will never die." I know it's the truth.

Job Descriptions

As we approach student leadership election season, one of the best things you can do to help with officer transition is to have each current officer write up a job description for their position. They should write it up as if they were posting a job on some career-search site.

Things that should be included in every job description:

- specific responsibilities
- skills that the best candidate would possess
- previous experience that would be helpful
- a "best estimation" of the number of hours the position demands each week
- a list of meetings this officer is expected to attend
- a list of projects he/she will have to work on with other officers
- the good parts of the job
- the crappy parts of the job

Here's an example:

CHAPTER SECRETARY
Our chapter is seeking a secretary. The positon is for one year, commencing November 14, 2007. The secretary has primary responsibility for keeping the organization in good standing with the national headquarters, the Interfraternity Council, and the university by filling out required reports and applying for awards annually. The secretary is also responsible for maintaining the chapter website (along with a website chairperson), a current roster of members, and minutes from regular and executive council meetings. Other responsibilities include serving on the executive council, overseeing three committees (website, risk management, and awards), submitting monthly reports to the alumni board, and other miscellaneous responsibilities assigned by the chapter president. The ideal candidate must have a computer and printer, and must be able to devote a minimum of 12-15 hours each week to the position. The secretary must attend at least three meetings a week, plus monthly meetings with the chapter advisor. Helpful skills would include: comfort working with alumni, extreme organization skills, a proven ability to meet deadlines, an ability to write clearly, creativity for awards submissions, a strong work ethic, website maintenance, and the ability to work in a team. Previous experience running a chapter committee, as well as a strong working knowledge of university and headquarters requirements, would be extremely helpful. The best part of the job is the awesome responsibility for keeping the chapter in good standing and bringing recognition to the chapter. The tough parts include tracking down brothers on deadlines, responding to last minute requests, and having to keep everything organized. Plus, as the third ranking exec officer, you get 3rd highest room choice when room assignments come out.


You get the idea. Make sure that all candidates read these job descriptions and understand the jobs fully before they run for office. If your current execs are crappy writers, consider simply having a worksheet that asks them to fill out phrases that answer the above criteria.

"If you want something done, ask a busy person"

This is one of the nuggets of wisdom passed along to me by my mentor, and damn if it isn't true. On one hand, it seems that if you have something that needs to be done, you should give it to someone who is less busy and has more time to devote to the task. But, I've learned, it doesn't really work that way. There's a reason why busy people are busy, and people with time to waste have time to waste.

Once you learn how to delegate (which for many student leaders is a lesson still to be learned), passing along tasks to a busy person becomes a successful strategy.

Ever wonder why the administrators on your campus always ask the same people to do things? Because they know that the busiest students on campus are willing to kill themselves, deprive themselves of sleep, and sweat every detail to get something done, even when they are completely over-committed. Giving these masochistic students more to do is not exactly a strategy that demonstrates a commitment to their mental health, but the work sure gets done.

So, here's your strategic thought for the day. If you are the busy person that everyone keeps dumping more and more on, time for you to start saying "no, thank you." You're being played, and it's time to wise up. Recommend an eager, younger student leader who has something to prove. Appreciate the strategy, but don't be victim of it.

Of course, once you figure this strategy out, you start delegating things down to busy people beneath you on the leadership food chain. Yeah, it's kind of self-serving and not completely nice, but until they find this blog and clue in, you might as well get some work done.

Have a nice weekend!

National Coming Out Day is today, Oct. 11

I've been self-identified as a gay man since I was 16 years old, so I often breeze right past National Coming Out Day. For me, it's like a chapter from an ancient history book. But sitting here, late this afternoon, I remembered that today is National Coming Out Day, and I wanted to share two things.

First, if you or a friend are struggling with how to come out to family and friends, the Human Rights Campaign offers a great personal guide that might help you. Find it here.

Second, below is a letter that Judy Shepard wrote last year (2006). I edited out a paragraph that dealt with the Mark Foley scandal from last year. In any case, the letter might be inspiring to some of you.

Take a moment this week to reflect on the importance of building communities and organizations where everyone feels safe and valued, and think about the small things you can do to help create understanding wherever you live. People like me tend to forget what a huge step it still is for young men and women who are coming to terms with their sexual orientation. Those of us who have been fortunate to arrive at a good place need to guard against complacency. There is still more good work to be done.

------------

Eight years ago this week, I lost my son, Matthew, to a hate crime.

The violence, ignorance and misunderstanding that led to his death are the exact reasons that National Coming Out Day, which is celebrated each year on Oct. 11, is so important.

For the last eight years, I have traveled the nation continuously telling my family's story, and trying to encourage honest, respectful dialogue on gay issues. On the topic of coming out, and living openly, there are a few things that I always try to impress upon people.

First, let's be clear -- being gay or straight is no more a choice than being right- or left-handed. It is simply a matter of how each of us is born.

Anyone who has ever witnessed loved ones coming out -- struggling to find the words to say, wondering if they will be rejected by their most cherished friends or family simply for being who they are -- knows that even in 2006 America, being open and honest about being gay is still difficult, and at times all-too-dangerous.

Coming out and being open is an act of bravery and honesty. That's something that any mother, friend or family member can and should be proud of.

It is hard enough in this world for gay people to come out, and be open about who they are. It becomes even more difficult and daunting during times when gay people are publicly slandered for political gain, which is what the ultra-right has tried to do time and again during election years.

The bottom line is that families are more whole, friendships are more substantial and nations are stronger when we are all able to stand together in spite of our differences and because of our similarities.

Please, whether you are gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender or straight, take some time today to talk to some of the people in your life about why openness, fairness, respect and compassion are important to you.

In fact, if you are having trouble starting that important conversation luckily the Human Rights Campaign has partnered with Parents, Family and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) to release a new resource: "A Straight Guide to GLBT Americans." The guide walks straight people through the typical emotional responses people go through when a friend or family member has just come out, outlines myths and facts about GLBT Americans, and highlights ways that they can show support for equality. You can get your hands on this valuable new tool by going to: www.hrc.org or www.pflag.org.

Coming Out Day isn't just about gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender Americans. It is about all Americans who want to create a more just and fair country for future generations.

Judy Shepard
Executive Director
Matthew Shepard Foundation
Oct. 11, 2006

"Officers at a table up front" hurts motivation

The way you set up your meetings has an impact on your group's motivation. If you set up your meetings with the officers up front at a table, facing the members seated in classroom-type rows, you have one of the least motivating set-ups possible. I recommend you try something different.

If you use the "officers at a table up front" set-up, you probably don't even know why. It's just the way most organizations have always done it. But, that sort of set-up instantly creates a division between the officers and the members, and contributes nothing to the motivation of your group. I also think that the "officers at a table up front" set-up is too much like the classrooms our members sit in all day, and that doesn't exactly cultivate high energy for an evening meeting. This set-up says, "We are the officers. We are more important than you (see our table?). You will be listening to us for the next hour."

So, try this instead. Set your group up in a circular set-up. If your group is large, do two concentric circles. Have your officers spread themselves out across the circle.

This accomplishes a couple of goals. There is no longer a "back of the room" where slackers can chat and cause disruptions. Your officers are integrated into the regular membership, which establishes more of a team feeling.

Whenever you, as the leader of the meeting, are speaking, stand and move to the center of the circle, moving your gaze around the circle. As different members speak during the meeting, ask them to stand. The focus of everyone's eyes will be moving around the room during your meeting, which is more dynamic and will keep people better engaged.

Try it once, and fiddle with it. But, trust me, you won't lose authority by tearing yourself away from that sacred table up front, and your members will feel like they are better included.

What did you do for hazing prevention week?

Did your campus or Greek community do some cool stuff for National Hazing Prevention Week? Tracy Maxwell, Executive Director of the newly formed "HazingPrevention.Org" organization needs to hear about it! She is collecting campus success stories to help inspire and motivate campuses who have yet to do a hazing prevention week.

You can email her at maxwell@hazingprevention.org, to let her know anything your chapter, campus, council, or organization did to help advance the cause of hazing prevention.

This summer, CAMPUSPEAK spun off its hazing prevention activities into this new non-profit, which Tracy is heading up. CAMPUSPEAK founded National Hazing Prevention Week and the accompanying symposium several years ago in partnership with a variety of higher education groups, including the Association of Fraternity Advisors, the NCAA, and many others. Tracy did most of the work on this fabulous project, and this summer, she left the staff of CAMPUSPEAK to launch the new non-profit.

The new organization will have numerous advantages in fundraising as a non-profit (which wasn't possible when CAMPUSPEAK -- a for profit company -- was calling the shots). HazingPrevention.Org will be the sponsor of future NHPW's and will sponsor the National Hazing Symposium. Tracy will certainly be planning other exciting projects as time goes on.

CAMPUSPEAK will continue to produce hazing prevention materials, provide hazing prevention speakers, and provide the "Crossing the Line" hazing prevention workshop to campuses looking to address the issue. CAMPUSPEAK will also be a primary sponsor of the new organization for a long time to come.

Send Tracy those success stories and help get this new venture off the ground!

Five reasons to run, 10 reasons not to

Being an officer of your organization is an awesome responsibility. The right leader can move a group to new and impressive places, while a bad leader can cause a group to stall, or even fail completely. As we approach officer election season, make sure that you are running for the right reasons.

Five good reasons to run for office:

1. Because you really love your group, and you'd love to move the organization forward by devoting time and energy to its improvement. You are deeply committed to the mission of your group, and you know that you could motivate your group closer to act in ways that brings it closer to success.

2. Because there are some problems in your organization that need fixing and you are ready to commit the time, sweat, and tears necessary to lead your group away from problems and toward solutions. You know that you cannot do it alone, and you know there might be some really stupid drama, but you are ready to pull people together to find the answers as a group. You want to lead this team. You are ready and willing to challenge your members and hold everyone accountable to higher standards.

3. Because you believe that you can role model for younger members of your group by showing them a high level of commitment, thoughtfulness, and hard work. You've learned a lot over the last couple of years, and you realize that being an officer means that you work for your members -- that you are their servant leader. You see how your service can make a difference.

4. Because you see how your talents and strengths make sense for the organization at this time in its history. Because the organization needs a certain kind of leadership, and you're willing to provide that kind of leadership. You expect it to be tough sometimes, but you're willing to make the sacrifice of personal time to move the group forward.

5. Because leading this organization would be fun. Because you can see how the challenges of leadership would make you a better person, and you have a desire to grow as a person and as a leader through the experience.

Ten reasons not to run:

1. Because no one else wants to do it, or will do a decent job, so you feel like you have to.

2. Because it will look good on a resume.

3. Because your friends expect you to.

4. Because you think you'll win.

5. Because you feel like you deserve it.

6. Because, as president, you get to go to a leadership conference out of state.

7. Because you are trying to impress someone.

8. Because you get to be in charge and tell people what to do.

9. Because someone nominated you, and you thought, "Sure, what the hell?"

10. Because you hate the person who might win otherwise.

We make time for the things we care about

Here's an enduring truth: we make time for the things that truly matter to us. Remember that young woman you told, "I'm too busy for a relationship right now." Yeah, you were lying. If you really wanted that relationship, you would have made it happen.

You would have moved heaven and earth to make it work. But you didn't, and you needed an excuse. "I'm too busy for this right now," is always sitting there within arm's reach, and you use it too often, dear Student Leader.

We choose priorities all the time. Too busy to call your mom and dad? Bullshit. If you needed something from them, you would have found the time to call. Too busy to do an officer position well? You found time to hang out at Denny's last night because that was what you wanted to do. If the officer position was as important, you would have prioritized that.

Your grades suck? Well, if your grades were your priority, you'd study more. It's that simple. But, they're not, so you don't study. You watch All My Children every afternoon, and your grades suck.

I'm telling you this because I'm your friend, and I don't want you to lie to yourself any more.

Students who constantly say they are too busy always seem to find time for the really, really fun stuff. Professionals who say they are overworked seem to find the time to do the task that brings them the financial bonus. Yes, hours are limited. But when things don't get done, or don't have attention paid, it's because you consciously or subconsciously made a choice.

If you're someone who is constantly making excuses for not doing something, not showing up for someone, or not following through on commitments, it's time to step up and take responsibility for it. Sometimes you just have to be honest and say, "I have a lot of things to do these days, and doing (this) just isn't my priority right now." Own it, disappoint the other person, and give your full attention to the things that are truly important to you.

You might be a little less popular. Someone will think less of you. But, you'll have more integrity, and that's what really matters. Focus, prioritize, commit, and achieve.

Correction regarding HAZE

Hey readers. Quick correction on the HAZE posting that precedes this one. The film was not funded by the Gordie Foundation directly. It was produced with private funding. Not sure all the legal and technical details, but the Foundation asked me to correct that part of my posting. I guess it's correct to say that the Foundation is involved in promoting the film, etc.

Also, the Foundation wanted people to know that there are lots of folks in the film who speak up for the good things that fraternities and sororities are doing in the fight against hazing. They understand that this is not reflected much in the trailer, but they feel that the film itself offers up a very fair opportunity for all sides to be heard.

I reiterated to them that I believe the film will generate a lot of controversy. Some people will support its message, and some will feel attacked. That's unavoidable. I'll reserve my judgment on the film until I've seen the whole thing. But, it is my feeling (I say again) that anything that gets us, as a Greek community, focused on ending harmful behavior surrounding alcohol abuse and hazing is worth any controversy we have to face. That's why I agreed to participate and be interviewed for the production.

By writing about the film in this blog, and by many of you sharing the posting around, I hope that we can talk about the film and the issues it presents in a constructive way.

"Haze: The Movie" preview now online

This Spring, a documentary film about alcohol abuse and fraternity hazing will be released on the festival circuit. It's going to be big news in the interfraternal community, and I expect it to get significant national publicity. The preview is now available online here.

The film uses the hazing and alcohol-related death of Chi Psi Fraternity pledge Gordie Bailey at the University of Colorado as its backdrop. The Gordie Foundation, the foundation started by Bailey's mother and stepfather after his death, is involved in the promotion of the film and were involved in its production (see next blog posting).

The trailer shows images of Gordie lying dead on the floor of the fraternity house. What shook me up the most was that his so-called brothers had written all over his body with Sharpie pens as he lay alcohol-poisoned on the floor of his chapter house. One member wrote "Sucks to be you" on his leg -- sending shivers up my spine.

I and several other CAMPUSPEAK speakers participated in interviews for the film. Not sure how many of us will make it to the final cut. Travis Apgar, one of our speakers, is featured in the trailer although he is identified as a Cornell University official and not a CAMPUSPEAK speaker on the hazing issue.

This movie is going to get massive attention because it's really an expose of the horrible culture of alcohol abuse and hazing that exists at many campuses and in many chapters. The preview is anything but gentle with its images of puking, bloody, self-humiliating students.

And, a personal observation here... the Gordie folks don't seem to be feeling a lot of love for the interfraternal community, so expect the indictment delivered by the film to be pretty brutal. They aren't going to be holding back, so to speak, and I expect the film to scare the hell out of parents all over the nation whose kids are going off to college. I expect a raging debate in the interfraternal community about whether this film is fair or unfair, a call to action, another smear, or the latest call for the elimination of fraternities.

I think anything that makes us stand up as a community and fight hazing and alcohol abuse aggressively is a positive thing, but many undergraduate Greeks will see this as a full-frontal assault on their already tattered national image.

Guess time will tell. In the meantime, check out the trailer.

Gay or straight, this member is a train wreck

I got a message from a fraternity consultant yesterday. It seems that a particular chapter he's visited is having a problem with a gay member who is causing lots of problems for the chapter. It's not so much that he's gay (they have a few out and active gay members), it's that this particular young man seems to enjoy beating everyone over the head with his sexuality 24/7, using it as an excuse to do what he wants, say what he wants, and cause as much drama as he wants.

The young man is treating everyone badly, making an ass out of himself at Greek events, and basically doing everything he can to draw attention to himself. He stands up at chapter meetings and refers to himself in third person with statements such as, "The Queen thinks the chapter should" do this...

I'd throw him out just for that. The blogger thinks that people who refer to themselves in third person when speaking need a swift kick in the capri pants.

His brothers (and the consultant) have tried to confront him constructively about how his boorish behavior is affecting the chapter and its reputation on campus, but his response continues to be, "Well, I'm gay, this is who I am, and it's inappropriate of you to question how I act."

Oh, you're so wrong, Princess.

Of course, all the well-meaning straight boys don't know what to do. They don't want to be seen as homophobic, but the kid is being a nightmare. "What should I tell them to do," the consultant asked me?

My advice: a gay jerk is still a jerk. Sounds to me (without actually meeting the kid or being privy to all the back stories) like this young man is on a pretty wild ride with his sexual and social identity, and he's projecting that chaos onto his chapter. He should be confronted about his personal behavior and held to the same standards of personal conduct as any other member of the chapter, gay or straight.

It's been my experience that when a young man is going through this much upheaval and drama, the group's welfare is not his primary concern. If this is the case, then he should be given the option to either check his craziness, or be invited to leave so that he can be the master of his own train wreck. That doesn't mean that his friends in the chapter cannot help him, support him, etc., but it might mean that this tumultuous time of his life is not consistent with being a productive member of this particular kind of group. He might need to be invited to leave.

I was encouraged that the consultant said that the chapter has proven itself to be a safe and supportive place for its gay members. That made this conclusion easier to reach. Just because someone is gay, or struggling with that identity, does not give him the right to act in a personally destructive or self-centered way. Should it be OK for him to date openly in the Greek community? Absolutely (the straight members do). Should it be OK for him to talk openly about being gay and being a fraternity man? Absolutely. Should it be OK for him to incite problems in the chapter? Nope.

Had the consultant in question been gay, himself, I would have told him, "Tell Nellie Olsen to sit her ass down and shut her mouth before I fly out there and smack that cheap Clairol dye job out of her silly head." But, he's not. So I told him to tell the chapter members to continue to confront, set some behavior expectations, and handle him like any other troublesome member.

Nerd Auction at Washington State

Members of Washington State University's Computer Club took a class in public relations this summer, and they sought advice. How can they score some dates, get some notice on campus, and maybe do a little good? Well, they've decided to partner with a sorority for a "Nerd Auction."

Here's how it will work. Sorority women will get a day to makeover their nerd: clothes, haircut, waxing, new eyewear, whatever. Then, at a dinner that evening, they will "sell the nerd off" to the highest bidder. "He can help the woman with her homework, fix her computer, or maybe even go on a date," said one club member.

One thing for sure, they learned plenty in their PR class. The group's leaders were all over CNN this morning. The club plans to use the funds generated in the auction to help fund scholarships to recruit more women to computer science.

And if a couple of nerds find love, that's just icing on the cake. As the CNN anchor said in the closing of the live interview, "We'll see if love is in the air or if we end up with just a lot of virus-free computers at the sororities."

In any case, kudos to the Cougar Computer Club at Washington State!